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A guy I used to work with made the entire office wish he’d buy this chair cushion that was filled with activated charcoal. I wonder if a package of Drops will show up without a word on his desk?

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Although I’ve gone all electric with my shaving gear at the moment, both because I have a beard that only needs modest trimming and because it makes travel easier, this “Roll Up” from John Allan is god damn appealing. It’s basically a strip of leather with interlocking pockets inside that hold various cremes and tinctures, not to mention a razor or two. Roll it up and tie it off with the leather straps for easy travel.

Yes, it’s $245 for what essentially amounts to a bunch of two-ounce bottles of shampoo, but look at the leather straps.

Product Page [John Allan's via Shaving Stuff]

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The Democrat’s campaign committee picked up the tab for two haircuts at $400 each by celebrity stylist Joseph Torrenueva of Beverly Hills, Calif., according to a financial report filed with the Federal Election Commission.

FEC records show Edwards also availed himself of $250 in services from a trendy salon and spa in Dubuque, Iowa…

First, what kind of a salon in Dubuque, Iowa can charge that much for a haircut? And secondly, this begs for me to ask, what is the most you have ever paid for a haircut? Also, what’s your thoughts on tips?

I once dropped $30 for a haircut at a Regis Salon in Dallas because the prices at the Regis Salons in Kansas are $17 and assumed it would be the same, not so much in Dallas. Normally I goto Sportsclips or a similar chain for my ho-hum doo.

Edwards’ haircuts cost a pretty penny [MSNBC]

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I don’t exactly know what the message is they’re trying to get across (and I’ve seen the original Dove ad they’re lampooning) but I still laughed. [via See Jack Shop]

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Cleave Shaves with New Steam Pad (Nov, 1931) [ModernMechanix]

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Impress your friends with this handy chart of beard names. Not everything is a goatee!

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(Now that Ryan has abandoned his Weight Loss Wednesday updates—does that mean you’re skinny now?—I might even subject you to pictures of my spare tire to brighten your Hump Day work time.)

I’m usually a pretty clean person, taking at least one shower a day if not two, but with the heat that until recently had afflicted Brooklyn, coupled with my attempt to stave off air conditioning use until the last ounce of moisture had been wrung from my underwear, I would find that my post-workout routine consisted primarily of collapsing in a chair directly in front of a fan. The idea of moving to another room, soggy with sweat, and hopping into more liquid wasn’t appealing.

And every so often, I’d cool down, dry off, and forget to shower.

Well, not completely dry off.

I started to itch. You know, my balls.

I’m still fairly overweight and have been for years, so I’m not unaccustomed to my fat white thighs rubbing themselves together during workouts, leading to chapped skin and, occasionally, blood. (How fucked up is that?) I figured I’d just rubbed myself a bit raw and hadn’t noticed.

Except I’ve lost enough weight that my thighs don’t rub together any more.

A few days passed and my balls, as they say, weren’t scratching themselves.

I called in Susie for a consult, as per her duties required in payment for the privilege of being the most awesome girlfriend since Bonnie leaned over Clyde’s glowing taint and pronounced, “It does look sort of…yeasty.”

“My crotch looks like bread?” I yelped. “Wait, are you saying ‘looks like’ when you mean ’smells like’?”

No loaf has ever risen as quickly. I pulled my shorts over my shame zone.

“Oh my god, do I have a smell?”

“It’s probably jock itch,” she said. “It’s no big deal.”

“Jock itch? Really?” I’d never had jock itch or, until now, given it a second thought.

“Holy shit, baby, do you know what this means?” she laughed.

I was mystified.

Susie leaned in.

“Now you’re a jock.”

It was the happiest moment of my life.

…

So I got this creme from the drug store. It smells like a previously unidentified smell from my childhood, when I’d visit my mom at her work in mental health care facilities and retirement homes. Turns out lots of mentally retarded people and retirees have jock itch, or its kissin’ cousin, athlete’s foot. Case closed!

Of course, I got maximum strength. I was delighted by my new-found social standing, but there was no need to keep my little friend around now that its work was done. Besides, it itched like fuck. Never-ending, focus-consuming, abandon-all-hope sort of itching.

Wash up, said the instructions, and apply.

One of the reasons I know intelligent design isn’t true is that the scrotum, perhaps the most important flap of skin on a man’s body, likes to absorb things. As anyone who has smelled a scrotum can testify, it clearly likes to absorb flavor. It also likes to absorb maximum strength jock itch creme, especially when damp from a fresh, hot shower.

And that creme, as it begins to soak into the skin of the ballsack, leeches its way directly into the central nervous system. And jock or not, you will stand bow-legged in front of the bathroom, unable to form a response to your girlfriend’s queries if you might be okay and perhaps should take another shower. You may also get goosebumps when thinking about it days later.

Thankfully, I figured out how to use medicine and the god damn mess is starting to clear up. I’m almost sad to see it go: The ever-present jungle drums of lust that beat every time a beautiful women walks by have been muted by the fact that were I able to somehow lure her into my bed, I’d be too ashamed to show her the wrinkled bag of parched turkey skin that was once my triumphant genitalia. I am nearly at peace.

And if the time I masturbated with conditioner when I was 13 and all the skin on my penis dried up and shed like a snake is any indication, I may end up growing an entirely larger set of balls by the time this is all done. And, I guess, larger thighs.

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What is your take on men and nail polish? I love having painted toenails and the ladies seem to really dig it. I have even been taken by the arm by a total stranger to have her tell me that I made her day. I think it’s mainly that the ladies really like to see an ‘original’ man — someone who doesn’t necessarily care what the rule book says. My wife thinks it’s very stylin’ and often actually does the painting. I only wish I had the cajones to do the fingernails too. I know Hard Candy tried, years ago, to market nail polish for men but it never took off. Saturday I saw another painted-toenails guy in a bookstore and thought I should ask you for your opinion.

Response after the jump.

Well, having only just an hour ago taken off the fingernail polish I’d been wearing all last week out at the Oregon Country Fair, I have to say that I’m a big supporter of dudes wearing nail polish on toes and fingers. Of course, I’m also a big supporter of dudes piercing their flesh and hanging from meathooks, getting lots of ink, sporting fucked up hairdoo and wearing high heels. I also think it’d be fun to go to jail for a month or two as an adventure that money can’t buy. What can I say, my parents fucked up, but I’m happy this way.

Most other folks, and dudes in particular, will look at a guy wearing nail polish as a freak, bottom line, end of story. It doesn’t matter if it’s one of those bizarro Urban Decay colors that are decidedly non-feminine either. I have only had a period of maybe a month or two, collectively, over the last 20 years where my toes weren’t painted. I’m a total devotee, and I often have painted fingernails too. And I swear by Hard Candy! Their gunmetal grey is great, so is that one that’s glittery black, I think it’s called stardust or something. Urban Decay’s got some good colors too. My wife loves it and we paint each other’s nails all the time.

For the fingers if you’re still leery of doing a bold color – and that’s totally understandable, btw – you may wanna go the mafioso/executive path and get a man’s manicure with a buffed smoth coat of clear polish. Looks elegant and slick without being ‘in your face’. You just feel more…what, sophisticated? Genteel? I dunno, but I dig it, and the service itself feels totally self-indulgent, even if it’s under $20.

You could probably get away with wearing green and gold nail polish to a Green Bay Packer game, but your face and probably your car would have to be painted to match. Otherwise, there is not a lot of room in Middle America for men to wear that stuff.

All this said, the right guy can get away with damned near anything. Keef Richards has been wearing nail polish for decades. I’ve been wearing eyeliner since 1984. If your lifestyle enables it, and you resonate to some kind of left of center look, fucking hell, we need you on the fringe in these increasingly rigid times. Shake things up a little, make people realize that they’re not just mindless drones fitting into prefab boxes. On the other hand, an awful lot of people take comfort in fitting in, and part of that is lobbing stones at those who live outside of the herd.

So yes, if you dare, be prepared to be the subject of ridicule and scorn by most, although those who embrace you doing it are probably the folks you’d prefer to hang with anyway.

Incidently, the picture of the rednecky coot in nailpolish is of Rob “Acidman” Smith, who kept an excellent blog until his untimely death just over a year ago. Do check it out on the link below; his was a brutally honest voice of wisdom from a guy who dealt with alcoholism, coal mining towns and sulphuric acid in Kentucky. Great stories in a frank and strong voice. Kind of a man’s man, even for this weirdo.

Images: Hardcandy.com, GutRumbles.com

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There’s no punchline in this commercial, which may be why I like it. It’s simply Big Bruce on the ivories, surrounded by beauties, doing a lounge cover of Duran Duran’s “Hungry Like a Wolf.” Of course he’s advertising Old Spice’s new “Ahoy” body spray, which will never soak my polo shirt or ragged baseball cap.

Bruce’s previous Old Spice commercial is after the jump, if you’ve got “it.”

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Diane started on one side of my groin and worked her way across with intense attention to detail. Slowly and painfully, section by section, I went from the proverbial peaches to nectarines.

Patrick offers a few tips at the end of his brief but concise article, including what appears to be the must crucial advice on the matter for intrigued parties:

2: Be sure that you have at least ¼ inch of hair to work with. If you have less hair, the results won’t be as clean or smooth and the experience will be more painful.

Though I haven’t tried this particular treatment thus far myself, I might also add that a few cocktails prior to one’s appearance at the salon may well aid in overcoming the nerves; I would assume that, for most men, it’s not the pain that we fear so much as the humility of baring our boys to some stranger with hot wax and a tongue depressor.

So. Who’s down for some nut waxing?

Do I Dare to Go Bare? One Man’s Journey from Peaches to Nectarines [beautynewsnyc.com]

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Of course, it does seem to be a thinly-veiled product placement pitch, as nearly every item on their agenda comes with a link to a consumer toiletry product, but really, what doesn’t these days?

That said, the second item on their list was kind of a surprise:

Mega-Minty Breath
Gargle 5 seconds before you show up and we’ll worry you’re hiding halitosis. Schedule a mouthwash buffer of 20 minutes so the flavor wears off a bit.

So wait…it’s possible for breath to be too fresh? Odd.

7 Grooming Tips for Men [menshealth.com]

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Kern struggled for years with acne and finally decided that he had to win the war, no holds barred. He devoted enormous amounts of time energy, and money towards finding the solution to his malady. Upon discovering the answers for himself, he decided to share the experience with others without shame in the name of posterity.

His very comprehensive site includes a well-populated forum, tips, tricks, lists of mistakes and stumbling blocks, and even a photo gallery of images that you may not actually want to see, save but if your own misery loves company.

Daniel Kern’s Regimen [acne.org]

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My wife works for a fashion and beauty magazine that enjoys an excess of gift merch submitted by manufacturers hoping to get some coverage. Much of it winds up on what they call the ‘giveaway counter’, and the staff descends upon the loot like hungry vultures. A lot of weird, pre-launch shit makes its path to me that way, and this is the latest and greatest: “Gigolo Lip Amp.”

Dismissing the curious name of the product for the moment, this is a novel product in some ways: unlike other lip goops out there, this is intended to be shine-free. It contains vitamins A, E, and C, some mint for a nice flavor, and beeswax for locking in moisture that lasts.

But it’s also got a special ingredient: capsium frutescens, the active oils in hot peppers, which Gigolo’s manufacturer claims will plump the lips up a bit, as well as providing a tingling sensation. Of course, it also comes with a warning on the label: Do not use on open wounds or sores. Yeah, I’d imagine that would probably sting a little. Might also sting your date a bit, esp. if you are a gigolo and put your mouth on, er, sensitive areas.

This junk is made by an independent, no association with Proctor and Gamble or the like, so there’s good karma in supporting the little guy.

Gigolo For Lips [amoyez.com] (not active 4.24.07)

Gigolo Lip Plumpers 4 Men eBay Store [stores.ebay.com]

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I’ve never seen the commercials for the “Infinity Razor,” which purports to have a blade make of science stuff so everlasting that it won’t need to be replaced for a decade. A Times reporter bought one and tried it out; it shaves like shit, he (more or less) says. Noted!

I’ve always had decent luck with the Gilette Mach 3.

Shaving My Wallet a Lot Better Than My Face [NYTimes]

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Each product is available in a variety of scents, including a default minty variety, as well as cedarwood, tea tree, or fragrance-free. (If you wear cologne, the latter should be your choice.)

Expensive cremes and pomades are a rip-off, so it’ll be nice to be able to pick up a full line of grooming tinctures for under $30. We look forward to trying them out. (And if you get to them before we do, send in your impressions!)

Know Jack: Introducing the H&M of grooming products [Men.Style.com]

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Dethroner was recently invited to visit John Allan’s midtown club (The oldest of four in the NYC area), and indulge ourselves in “The Full Service”. This would entail a scalp massage during the shampoo and conditioning treatment, a hot steamy towel wrapped around our faces, a good haircut and a men’s manicure (simultaneous, mind you), followed by a shoeshine…all while sipping on the beverage of our choice. Of course Joel and I both chose their ice cold Sam Adam’s on tap. Knocked back five each over the course of the afternoon. Speaking for myself, it was an exquisite experience and one that must be repeated.

Taking note that “The Full Service” costs $65 before tipping, it seems a perfectly reasonable little luxury. Let’s add together the average costs of each individual service:

• men’s barbershop haircut: $12—18 (much more if you go to a salon)
• hot towel facial steam: $3—8
• shampoo/conditioner, scalp massage: $10—20
• men’s manicure: $8—12
• shoeshine: $6—10
• beverage: $3—25 (depending on what you drink and how many. I capped it at $25 due to the volume of beer we consumed)

Total: $42—93 (mean avg. around $61)

(This is before you throw in the value of a few rounds of pool and a cushy enclosed humidor with beautiful leather armchairs in which to smoke your cigar. John Allan’s provides these as well, but bring your own stogie.)

At John Allan’s you will get all of these services performed with expert civility and professionalism, by a staff who genuinely seems to care about the services they perform, in an environment that is designed to perfectly suit a gentleman’s sense of style and comfort. Every chair you’ll sit in feels designed for a man to be perfectly at ease within. The key is to relax and indulge, as men of refinement in an upscale joint utterly lacking in snootiness. The art is regularly rotated, and the blues and jazz and classic rock pumped in throughout the house is potent but not overwhelming. My South African hairdresser, Michelle, confided that several of her regular clients are so relaxed that they usually fall asleep in her chair while receiving their hand massage from the manicurist.

If you’re the kind of man who would like to make this treatment a regular habit (ie – if you already keep your hair trimmed twice a month), you would do well to become a member; this is more than a salon, this is a men’s grooming club.

At $720 per year, John Allan’s members are entitled to unlimited visits to the salon with the complete full service each time—if you visit only twice a month you’re already saving over half of what the total costs would be to a non-member. Plus, as a member, the bar will keep a bottle you may wish to provide of your private liquor, labeled for only your use but on display in full view of envious non-members.

You’ll also receive two gift certificates so you can share the experience with some friends—freebies perhaps being the best advertising. Throw in 10% off the additional services, such as facials, body massage, hair coloring, and pedicures, as well as the increasing familiarity with the exceptional staff, and the value of the membership becomes that much more worthwhile.

As part of our introduction to the total John Allan’s experience, the management provided us with a care package from their extensive product line. Nothing here, if viewed in your bathroom by overnight guests or visiting buds, will leave anybody questioning your manhood; it’ll just make you come off like you give a damn about your appearance and grooming, but not too much.

A. MINT Invigorating Hydrating Conditioner. It’s incredibly thick, very rich, and definitely permeated with peppermint essence, which tingles and cools the scalp. It rinses out easily and seems to be quite effective at softening hair even after a very quick cycle, even though it is supposed to be left in for 3 to 5 mins. I have a lot of color and heat damamge on the ends of my hair, and it treated them well.

B. OCEAN Daily Nourishing Shampoo. This one’s a cleanser, it very effectively rids the hair of any product buildup, dirt, or oils that the body produces every day. It contains aloe vera for moisture, so even without following up with a conditioner it still leaves your hair soft, but not dried out, like many similar purifying shampoos can.

C. THICK Deep Cleansing Volumizing Shampoo. Aptly named, this is perfect for men with thinning hair issues, providing richly enhanced natural wave and texture. It’s infused with botanical extracts and vitamins, such as B5, which penetrates the hair shaft and encourages supple body.

D. FACE Replenishing Moisturizer. If John Allan can help men with any single lesson, let it be that we learn the importance of taking proper care of our facial skin. It’s not just about preventing wrinkles and signs of age; it’s about keeping it soft and hydrated in spite of environmental stresses. This stuff is great for that, absorbing fast, and with a low viscosity, it leaves almost no greasy residue.

E. SPLASH Cooling After Shave With A Bite. Great old school aftershave! It has slight astringent properties, so any nicks or cuts will surely sting, but it’s a good sting. The light, masculine scent is nice and subtle, and the witch hazel is a perfect facial tonic. You’ll feel like your grandfather as a young man after using this. Not a bad way to feel.

F. GELLE X Weightless Volumizing Gel. Honestly, I wasn’t a huge fan of this product, but being rather anti-gel, I’m a slightly biased consumer, so bear that in mind. I also have longer hair, and gel doesn’t suit my style. That said, it’s definitely light, only modestly sticky, the hold is gentle yet firm, and it does feel fairly weightless. A little will go a long way since it spreads very easily, and men with thinning or short hair will appreciate how it adds extra volume.

G. SHAVE As Close As You Want To Get. This conditioning cream is very nice on shorter, thinner beards, and it definitely locks in moisture, which is the whole point to shaving creams. On thicker coarser bears you may want to opt for something that holds the heat of hot water a bit better, or just use an electric razor instead.

H. LIP Spearmint Lime. What is it about lime-flavored products that denote a sense of manliness anyway? It’s irrefutable, as far as I’m concerned, and this is indeed as manly a lip balm as I’ve ever used. It’s far from mediciney, but it’s certainly not effeminate or sweet either. The mint tastes good, and the lime tastes…virile. Oh, and it works pretty well at keeping the lips from drying, too.

I. BLU Waterbased Pomade. (not pictured) The key here is that it’s water-based, which means that unlike waxy, oil-based pomades of bygone days, it rinses out easily and is less than greasy to the touch. Probably won’t cause as many zits either. It works great with a flat iron, I found, but a little dab on the fingers, emulsified with some friction and rubbed right into the hair will give great, forgiving hold, and is pliable all day long. Looks neato, smells nice.

A final note: Some men seem to feel that there isn’t a lot to personal grooming, keeping the process as simple as possible: Get your hair cut every couple of weeks by a $12 barber, keep the nails trimmed, shave and shower daily. Once a month or so, clip the toenails, end of story. A man should have a bar of soap, some shampoo and conditioner, something to shave with, and maybe some aftershave. Anything beyond that is prissy and not masculine, leading the way towards meterosexuality. Why has taking care of one’s appearance, style, and overall presentation become demonized?

Learn more about the John Allan’s salons and their products at johnallans.com.

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