My workplace has decided to have a night out on Saturday. Usually, it’s a rowdy 150 people or so in a bar (or bars) on the night after payday. This time however, they’ve decided to go upmarket, and take advantage of the hospitality of a local business intimidated by a new arrival. A Casino.

Now, I know full well I am going (It’s a rare opportunity to socialise with my fellow co-workers without them almost passing out from alcohol poisoning), but sadly my knowledge is a combination of playing a bit online and watching reruns of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. Add to that the fact that this is the UK and therefore is more stuffy than Las Vegas, and the fact that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing in most work-related social situations, this means I need help.

What the hell do you do in a UK Casino, without (a) looking like a fat and badly dressed James Bond-alike, nor (b) ruining anyone else’s gambling with casino faux pas aplenty…

This is going to be a tough 48 hours…

First of all, don’t fret. Casino’s are never as classy as they may seem, even if they are in merry ol’ England.

Dress sharp, but don’t overdress. Bond is a casino, despite your worry, is about right. A jacket and an open shirt, perhaps, but ditch the tie. (And I figured you weren’t even considering the tux.)

Work related social situations are all about letting your co-workers get drunk before you do. Head in, order a scotch and soda—heavy on the soda—and begin your slow sip. Walk around, giving everyone a couple of hours to get loosened up while you retain your wits. Hell, you could even show up a couple hours late. You’ll look cooler and will still have a spring in your step while they’re drooling all over each other telling stories about the sale that got away.

If you don’t know how to gamble, don’t. Most casinos don’t mind you standing at the table along with someone else, allowing you to enjoy the drama without risking any money of your own. All the better to be the guy with a few pounds in his pocket when some poor upset co-worker loses all her cash and could really just use a drink.

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What is your take on men and nail polish? I love having painted toenails and the ladies seem to really dig it. I have even been taken by the arm by a total stranger to have her tell me that I made her day. I think it’s mainly that the ladies really like to see an ‘original’ man — someone who doesn’t necessarily care what the rule book says. My wife thinks it’s very stylin’ and often actually does the painting. I only wish I had the cajones to do the fingernails too. I know Hard Candy tried, years ago, to market nail polish for men but it never took off. Saturday I saw another painted-toenails guy in a bookstore and thought I should ask you for your opinion.

Response after the jump.

Well, having only just an hour ago taken off the fingernail polish I’d been wearing all last week out at the Oregon Country Fair, I have to say that I’m a big supporter of dudes wearing nail polish on toes and fingers. Of course, I’m also a big supporter of dudes piercing their flesh and hanging from meathooks, getting lots of ink, sporting fucked up hairdoo and wearing high heels. I also think it’d be fun to go to jail for a month or two as an adventure that money can’t buy. What can I say, my parents fucked up, but I’m happy this way.

Most other folks, and dudes in particular, will look at a guy wearing nail polish as a freak, bottom line, end of story. It doesn’t matter if it’s one of those bizarro Urban Decay colors that are decidedly non-feminine either. I have only had a period of maybe a month or two, collectively, over the last 20 years where my toes weren’t painted. I’m a total devotee, and I often have painted fingernails too. And I swear by Hard Candy! Their gunmetal grey is great, so is that one that’s glittery black, I think it’s called stardust or something. Urban Decay’s got some good colors too. My wife loves it and we paint each other’s nails all the time.

For the fingers if you’re still leery of doing a bold color – and that’s totally understandable, btw – you may wanna go the mafioso/executive path and get a man’s manicure with a buffed smoth coat of clear polish. Looks elegant and slick without being ‘in your face’. You just feel more…what, sophisticated? Genteel? I dunno, but I dig it, and the service itself feels totally self-indulgent, even if it’s under $20.

You could probably get away with wearing green and gold nail polish to a Green Bay Packer game, but your face and probably your car would have to be painted to match. Otherwise, there is not a lot of room in Middle America for men to wear that stuff.

All this said, the right guy can get away with damned near anything. Keef Richards has been wearing nail polish for decades. I’ve been wearing eyeliner since 1984. If your lifestyle enables it, and you resonate to some kind of left of center look, fucking hell, we need you on the fringe in these increasingly rigid times. Shake things up a little, make people realize that they’re not just mindless drones fitting into prefab boxes. On the other hand, an awful lot of people take comfort in fitting in, and part of that is lobbing stones at those who live outside of the herd.

So yes, if you dare, be prepared to be the subject of ridicule and scorn by most, although those who embrace you doing it are probably the folks you’d prefer to hang with anyway.

Incidently, the picture of the rednecky coot in nailpolish is of Rob “Acidman” Smith, who kept an excellent blog until his untimely death just over a year ago. Do check it out on the link below; his was a brutally honest voice of wisdom from a guy who dealt with alcoholism, coal mining towns and sulphuric acid in Kentucky. Great stories in a frank and strong voice. Kind of a man’s man, even for this weirdo.

Images: Hardcandy.com, GutRumbles.com

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I’m going to the optometrist on Friday and am in the search for a new pair of glasses (as well as getting contacts again). I never really looked at glasses as a fashion accessory as much as a necessity because I am blind as a bat and have been since I was five, but this time is different as I have a decent salary now (as opposed to no salary when I last went to the eye doctor) and figured I might as well get a pair that will look good on me for a while.

Enclosed are two pics, one with my current (over 4 years old) glasses and another with no glasses on. I would love to hear what the Dethroner readers have to say about what styles I should be looking at for the shape of my face, since I am at a loss. The only thing thats a definite is I HATE the big thick plastic geek glasses. Just because I work in IT doesn’t mean I have to look the part.

First of all, don’t write off the “big geek glasses” out of hand. I understand not wanting to go along with the crowd, but there’s a lot of variety in the thick-rimmed current styles and some of them can be quite flattering. Which ones? That’s the real trick.

I could give you the whole spiel about the shape of your head versus the shape of your glasses, but in my experience you won’t really know how a pair of glasses look until you go and put them on. That’s why going to the glasses store is still a valuable thing to do, especially with a friend. They’ll be a better judge of what looks better on you. Because glasses so considerably change the look of your face, they take a while to “sink in,” especially when it’s your own face they’re changing.

The most flattering glasses I’ve ever owned I bought from an internet glasses store for $12. They were a clear, somewhat square-frame of the type that I’d never tried before, simply because I was told that style wouldn’t look good on me. But I wasn’t sure I liked them at all at first. It took a couple of days before I realized they worked.

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We need two sets of shelves: one in the bathroom and one in the kitchen. I’m not doing anything ornate as we just rent. (Our landlord would probably shit a brick if I did anything more than screw them into the walls for support.) I don’t have a plan for materials, though, and am just planning on running over to Lowe’s and seeing what strikes me.

What has been your experience with shelving systems? I know there are piecemeal systems available at the big hardware stores, complete with finished lengths of particle board. The last time I looked at those they seemed to be really expensive. I’m also not sure the boards will be in the depths or lengths I need—I’m going for shallow and slender—and there’s nothing that looks junkier than cut particle board.

I’m not opposed to doing some actual cutting and painting, although I don’t have the equipment to route out slots for shelves to fit into, so I’m not sure about buying only lumber and trying to build it up from there. (I’ve got a drill and a circular saw and a saws-all; I don’t want to buy any more tools at the moment.)

Any suggestions?

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I would very much like to hear your thoughts on the idea of men wearing skirts designed for men. Beyond the mere idea, what about actual implementations of instances of men’s skirts, i.e., www.midasclothing.com.

I have 2 of these midas skirts and they get quite a lot of use, but not much in the way of comments. Do people not notice? Not care? Or is the discontinuity so great as to leave them with no comment?

Well, Chip, in New York we tend to have more fashion-forward people than in most other places, so if such a trend were to get lift-off it would probably start here first. I’ve been seeing dudes in skirts every now an again for years. I must say that most often it’s an emo/goth kid working that look. The overall effect, though perfectly acceptable and slick within its own milieu, is kind of designed and directed to distance the wearer and his enclave from the rest of society—not merge with it or ask to be embraced. Society tends to respond accordingly; we don’t confront or challenge these individuals, we write them off a weirdos, we ignore them.

However, the gear presented by Midas Clothing, as well as that by Utilikilts, the better-known design house based out of Seattle, seems to be trying to integrate itself into society rather than clash with it. It’s a noble effort, and honestly not that outlandish. Hell, men have been wearing some form of dress or skirt for thousands of years; it’s only been in the last couple of hundred that the institution has fallen out of favor in western civ. Bringing it back is a challenge, but these companies are fighting the good fight.

We do see men in utilikilts with increasing regularity, and again, it’s within the relative fringe of society, but the men wearing these jobs are less thumbing their nose at society and more thumbing their nose at convention, which I personally like to get behind. Utilikilt wearers seem to come from all walks of life and are the least likely candidates to worry about being mistaken for gay because, honestly, it takes some pretty serious confidence in one’s masculinity to pull this garment off correctly. And when they do, it’s pretty cool, and perhaps the single greatest hope that the notion may find a toehold of acceptance by modern civilization.

Like most radical changes in modern dress, it will take a well-known, respected figure to push this thing over the hump. Top hats died a noble death when JFK attended his inauguration with a bare head and remained classy.

The funny thing about kilts is that within the elite class, formal events allow the traditional kilt to be worn with effortless grace by those of Scottish descent. Beneath that there is an enormous gap before it’s acceptable again, and then it finds itself reappearing within the likes of RPG players, members of the Society for Creative Anachronism, heavy metal band members, computer jocks who can get away with anything they want, and the occasional biker at a street fair. Usually what we have is a fellow whose machismo is so unquestionable that he can rock the kilt without inviting the cocked eyebrow, but at the heart it’s a guy who simply doesn’t give a fuck what anyone thinks, and does what he does cos he likes it that way.

I think we’re a long way off from the average Joe Blow wearing a comfortable men’s skirt while washing his car in the driveway on a Saturday morning. But I also have to admit, having work a skirt a few times myself, it’s a comfortable way to go. Very liberating, especially if you’re regimental.

(images: midasclothing.com, utilikilts.com)

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A. A “white tie” event is the ultimate in formality, eclipsing even the more common “black tie” event in courtly protocol.

While a “black tie” event means a man must wear a tuxedo—or at the very least a black suit and tie, depending on how ballsily one might flaunt convention—a white tie event predicates a coat with tails. This means the basic uniform will include a full evening tailcoat, a white shirt, matching black pants, and black, patent leather shoes at a minimum. (And of course, a white bow tie.)

Not just any shirt will do, of course; you’ll want to purchase a shirt specifically tailored for the outfit, possibly with a separate, button-on collar. Cummerbunds are verboten. Instead, a white vest or “waistcoat” is the default. Like a black tie tuxedo, the pants will traditionally have a satin stripe down the side.

Expressing your personal style in a white tie get-up is generally frowned upon, but a simple flower in your lapel is usually welcome. Focus instead of the fit of your clothing. If you must add accessories, white gloves, silk scarves, top hats, and canes are all appropriate, but only if you can wear them without drawing undue attention on yourself. A man in white tie garb is meant to serve as reflection point to his companion’s evening dress.

If you are not a member of an imperialist Western state, it is also appropriate to wear your national costume, such as a kimono or kilt. Full military dress is also appropriate.

If you find yourself invited to a white tie affair and are in a bit of panic about it, find a reputable tuxedo rental shop who can help you put together your outfit. You will still want to get a shirt tailored, if you can afford to, although I won’t look down on you if you don’t want to spend the money to have a whole outfit sewn just for you. White tie occasions are a remnant of our less socialist past and, while romantic, are not the sort of thing to be ashamed of not attending regularly.

How should you act at a white tie event? Just as you would at any other time: like Fred Astaire.

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So I inherited a pair of white jeans from my fiance’s dad (rather, he got them from her mother doesn’t like them nor can fit in them so they went to me) The questions become though…

1) What shirt do I wear these with? 2) What belt do I wear this with? 3) What shoes do I wear this with?

And lastly: 4) WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WEAR WITH WHITE JEANS?!

Obviously white socks. But yeah, after that I’m stumped. Even more is it even worth it, like is it a look people pull off or is it destined to the Salvation Army bin?

First: white socks? Really?

Your desire to wear what I am sure are white gym socks with jeans worries me—will you be able to pull off white jeans at all?

The socks part is actually easy: white goes with everything. Colored socks will look fine. Bright colors will look great. No socks and loafers will work fine, too. Just anything instead of white gym shocks, which should really only ever be worn with sneakers and jeans. (Although I tend to not do even that; I just like nice socks.)

Shirts? Again, white goes with everything. But the obvious place to start is a white or black shirt—a clean button-up with short sleeves, let’s say. Go preppy. Or try a striped shirt or a carmel-colored cardigan. Think of what you’d want to wear on the docks, while peering from under your shading hand across the ocean for a ship full of interesting socks.

You may not need a belt, but a white belt would be fine (this is a rare exception), as would a black or brown leather belt. Belts should really be matched into the whole outfit and style and heft is more important than color. GQ suggests no belt at all and I cannot strongly argue against their position.

In short: Lean toward the preppy side instead of the hair metal side and you’ll be fine.

(Photo: Doobybrain)

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Alright, I had a hair-related Ask Dethroner thing, so I figured you would be the guy to ask. My question is, is it better to use the same kind of shampoo all the time every day that’s sort of an all-in-one, i.e. a volumizing shampoo designed for oily hair that also fights dandruff, or should you switch between a few different ones with different purposes each day or every few days, so you have one for volume, another for oily hair, and another for dandruff? Or does it just depend on your particular head of hair?

Interesting question, Jonathan (who, may I presume, is AKA JoFlow). I ran this one past Xtine who works for an internationally published beauty magazine; she deals with this kind of information constantly and is one of the best resources on immediate hand.

She offered that at least once a week it’s worth using a clarifying shampoo, and one of the most common and worthwhile is Prell. A clarifying shampoo is one of those clear jobs that doesn’t moisturize or condition or add volume or body or whatnot; it simply cleans the hair and scalp of any and all buildup of oils and product, which many if not most volume-building or moisturizing shampoos do not. The idea is that nothing will help keep hair and scalp healthy as much as having the occasional break from all that junk we put on/in it.

I would take that advice one step further and proscribe letting your hair air dry pretty often. When I don’t immediately hit mine with the blow drier and all that styling goop and just let it do what it does it invariably feels nicer and I rarely see any signs of flaky scalp afterwards.

However, if you’re dealing with both oily hair and flakes from time to time, it is certainly worth using a Selson Blue-type at least once per week. I would also advise not shampooing your hair quite as often, because nothing dries out your scalp more than overshampooing. And what do dry scalps do to compensate? It emits oil to protect itself. which, in turn forces us to wash the hair again. Vicious cycle, that.

One last tip: bring a nice hoppy beer into the shower once a week. Drink half, pour the other over your head. Let it sit in there for a bit. It’s surprisingly great for your hair and scalp. Rinse it without shampooing (don’t over-rinse, just enough to not smell like a drunk) and let it air dry.

SEE ALSO: Ask Dethroner: Why Isn’t Shampoo Soap?

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Obviously our goal would be to have all the dishes clean at any given point. What’s the best strategy you’ve found? The only thing I can think of is to wash up all the dishes every evening after we cook, but by then I’m usually so high.

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Assuming the cop is of moderate fitness and you’ve got the power of powder propelling you, what’s your best tactic: a burst of speed for as long as you can maintain or a steady lope just out of taser range until the cop drops in a wheeze?

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• Do you sleep nude with your kids? If so, when did you stop doing it? Did you ever stop doing it? Is being nude around your kids weird or healthy?

• What do you do if your kid is just totally a wasteoid? I’m thinking specifically here of the teenage kid who killed a bum and then tried to blame it on videogames; his step-mom wrote a letter to Penny Arcade explaining how he’d basically been given every chance and was—with seemingly no explanation—just an evil kid.

• How early do you start explaining the birds and bees? Do you let them come to you or drop clues as they grow? Do you give your kids birth control, including condoms?

I know this is totally a huge smoosh of questions; don’t feel like you have to answer every one to respond. And I also know there are countless guides, web sites, and professionals who exist only to address these things, but I don’t care. I want to know what you guys think.

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I don’t have a car, because I live in Brooklyn, and owning a car in New York is a real pain. But if I fly, I can’t take the dog; if I don’t take the dog, I have to pay a sitter. For any trip longer than a weekend, that is at least a couple hundred of dollars.

What I’d like to do is start renting cars for some long road trips, up to a couple of weeks at a time and over several thousand miles. (I’m thinking, if nothing else, of driving back home to Kansas City in a couple of months.) But every time I try to price out car rental that is long term yet high mileage, I can’t seem to find anything for less than a couple thousand dollars. My friends are incredulous, but can’t seem to offer any better suggestions.

I know that I’ll have to spend a fair chunk of change, but I can’t believe that renting a car for a week at a time would really be more expensive than buying two cross-country plane tickets. Is there some undiscovered method for getting deals on long-term rentals? At this point I’m starting to price out actually purchasing a car and paying a monthly car parking fee.

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Subject: Sideburns

Hey guys,

I’ve always wanted a set of killer sideburns and I’ve been growing out the facial in anticipation of crafting them into the ‘burns I so long desired. What’s the best way to go about this? Have a professional handle the job (what are the expected costs?) or is there a way to create the killer burns at home?

Thanks!

Jay Wilson
–
Supernegro
www.supernegro.com
The blog that’s unapologetically super. And Negro.

You’re asking the right guys, Jay. Both Joel and I have had truly magnificent chops at various points in our careers as style mavens. Longtime readers of Dethroner have seen proof of Joel’s splendid facial hair prowess several times. I’ll provide an example of mine after the jump, as well as a few tips for sculpting wicked sideburns the likes of which Sean Connery would be proud.

The first thing to note is that you are going about beginning them the very best way—sheer laziness. There is no finer way to get a manly set of burns started than by completely abandoning your razor for a solid week or more. Thanks to the example set by our culture’s five o’clock shadow masters, this is a perfectly acceptable fashion statement, even today.

When your bristles grow long enough to the point where you can no longer sand wood with your face, you know it’ll only be a few more days before you can get started. The trick is to start small; even if you want the long pointed sort that buccaneers and new wave rock stars and William Marshall could sport, it’s best to take baby steps.

Of course you can have someone else do this for you, and they’ll do a fine job at that. Why, outside of the theater of war, there’s almost no greater intimacy one heterosexual man can engage in with another than to receive a good old fashioned barbershop shave from him. The pros know what they’re doing. Nevertheless, there’s absolutely no reason you shouldn’t be able to do this yourself.

Begin by identifying the slope of your cheekbones, as they will guide you toward perfect symmetry. Take the tip of your index fingers and press them just underneath, where the cheekbones recede into becoming the upper jaw; this should be right about where your earlobes end. Resist the urge to let your lobes be your guide! Nobody’s ears are even, not even in Hollywood, and may a formidable entry into the Hall Of Fabulous Chops have been thwarted by such a blunder.

With your fingers having found their place, now smile; you’ll feel the muscles in your cheeks strain against the pressure you’re applying. Reduce the pressure and turn your face slightly to each side. The points upon which your fingers are indicating will be your starting point. Pick a side, hold your NEW razor at that point and…hold it—now just what shape are you looking to achieve? My strong suggestion is a slight slope towards the corner of your mouth. From where you’re starting you ought to be able to point directly at the corners of your mouth by aligning the angle of the razor against the cheek to the same angle as your lower jaw line.

Once you’ve found the angle, now carefully but firmly press, and draw the blade down the cheek, but just a little. All you’re looking to do is mark your line.

Mirroring the exact point is easy, finding the same angle is slightly less so, and making sure that they are even is the real trick. For this purpose there is no better tool than a second mirror while you place the blade where it needs to be. Once you’re in position, lose the second mirror and mark your line. Double check at this point and confirm that both lines are even and as symmetrical as possible.

If you’ve pulled it off to this stage, you’re 90% of the way there. The rest is just chipping away that which is not sideburn. Now it’s just regular maintenance, patience, and vigilance. Never rush it with grooming the chops!
And by god, know when they’re getting too bushy. Once again, the cordless beard trimmer is a well-kempt man’s best buddy.

I encourage you to take chances with long ones, spikey ones, fatass muttonchops and anything in-between. There are far too many blokes out there who look cookie cutter common; find a the sharp, distinct look and make it your own.

Here’s a recent shot of some chops I was rocking, the overall look swiped without apology from Sean Connery in Zardoz:

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Hey dude,

How about some words of wisdom on eye-brow maintenance?
Some ideas:
- How to pluck, how often, technique, where etc (beyond simply killing the unibrow
- Non-plucking techniques (e.g. trimming) pros and cons
- styles, where to get it done, how to do it yourself, how far to go, less is more, too little and you look like grandpa etc etc.

With the Awards season being in full swing, the face of Martin Scorsese (pictured) has been in mine on a regular basis. That little dude has the eyebrows of a man three times his size and they always, always freak me out. I consider the attention to detail in his 1993 opus, “The Age Of Innocence” and I wish that he’d pay just a fraction of that attention to some very basic grooming techniques. Actually, he’s a pretty decently groomed guy in other respects, but those hairy caterpillars on his face just give me the shudders. Sure, they do give him a very distinguished look, but come on.

A brief look back through his career’s production stills will reveal that he was not always so endowed; he was a bit of a long hair back during Mean Streets’ days, but his eyebrows weren’t that nuts at all. Just goes to show…as we age, bad things happen.

My practical advice follows the jump.

First off, it’s worth appreciating that as men, we are not meant to look exceptionally refined. Men who overgroom look weird or fey (consider the source—I’m a little bit weird and fey), but I do know my limits. There is a very comfortable place between looking like Peter Jackson and looking like Michael Jackson that requires very little effort on the man’s part.

One of the simplest, most efficient, and expeditious ways to deal with the overhanging eyebrow situation is with a beard trimmer. To an extent it doesn’t matter how thick your eyebrows are, how densely they grow, or the pattern; the issue is with length. At some point there will be some wild hairs that simply don’t care to just lie there at a uniform length with the rest of the team. They’ll grow to unheard of lengths and stick straight up if you let them. Your beard trimmer is the perfect tool for keeping the little bastards at bay. Simply set the trimming height at the second or third setting and run it flat against the grain a few times. No more than twice a month should do the trick for most of us. Be careful not to zip off your eyelashes, though.

If you want to take it up a notch and bring out your eyes (many women actually like it when a man’s eyes are not hidden by inch high eyebrows), there is always the option of waxing them into shape. It costs less than ten bucks and it only hurts for a second. Modern men are doing it all the time in the big city, it’s no big deal so get over feeling sissy about it. You can stipulate that you just want it a little cleaned-up, they’ll know not to make you look like Marlene Dietrich.

As for the unibrow spot? For me, I will actually use my face razor to zip it clean. It’s a snap. If you like having extra tools around, though, there are some available from the neighborhood beauty supply store, just look for the things that look like this. They sell them in packs, or individually for around a buck.

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There is some debate about whether this should be the sort of thing a government should legislate, but putting that aside, using less energy is an unquestionable good. But older fluorescent bulbs have traditionally provided a flickering, unpleasant light. Newer technologies like CFL bulbs (the often spiral-shaped ones) and LED bulbs are supposed to provide a light closer to that of an incandescent.

My question is simply: do any of you guys use CFLs and LEDs to the exclusion of incandescents? Are there really bulbs out there that can provide warm, full-spectrum light on the cheap?

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ML asks:

So, is there any hope for those of us white guys with naturally curly hair that, left to its own devices, becomes one of these monstrosities? I’m not cool enough to rock the white boy ‘fro.

I get a buzz cut every month down to 5/8ths or so and by the time I get it cut again it really only looks good after I wear a stocking cap for a bit to give it severe hat hair. And then it re-asserts itself after a few hours and becomes the baby ‘fro.

I tried a couple of things in college — keeping the sides really short while letting the front, top, and back grow out, in a misguided attempt to get an Eraserhead look going on. Didn’t work. I had a mullet for about a week, and I thought it looked pretty good, but my girlfriend threatened to send a picture into mulletwatch, so out that went.

Is there any hope for me if I don’t want to go on chemical straighteners (which iirc actually involve estrogen) ? Should I resign myself to a lifetime of buzz cuts? And I do mean lifetime — Male Pattern Baldness has not struck in my family for at least four generations.”

Dethroner responds after the jump.

Well, ML, much of what I could offer you depends greatly upon your age and what kind of fun styles you’re willing and able to try. It sounds like you’ve got Justin Timberlake hair, and he evidently has to do the same close-cropping that you do.

There are a few things I can think of right off the bat. The first of which is that you’re spot-on about not wanting to deal with chemical straighteners. I’m not sure of the estrogen content, but the real concern is that it’ll eat the protein right out of your hair and leave it lifeless and dull — not the kind of thing that your gf will want to run her fingers through. Besides, even with the best methods, like the very trendy but stupidly expensive Japanese hair straightening systems, it only deal with the hair you’ve already grown; within a few weeks your natural growth pattern will be back in full force at the roots, and it’ll look so weird you’ll either have to go and do it all over again or just buzz it all short again.

Our friend Eddie Mac also has extremely thick and curly hair; hair grease is his solution, and it does keep him looking very sharp indeed, if ridgedly locked within a classic rockabilly motif (which works very well for him indeed). For pompadours and the like, more grease (try wax first) is better than less; in nearly any other case, use product sparingly at first until you come to the right amount of the right stuff for the right job.

Another thing you could consider is to take the challenge of transcending the White Boy Fro by not combing your hair at all (washing it is fine), and letting it dread up. Curly hair tends to dread up a hell of a lot fast than straight hair, so you’ve got that going for you at least! Then again, as we’ve all seen this week, I’m a huge proponent of dreads on white folks, assuming they’re able to pull it off. I’m going out on a limb and guessing that you are wise enough not to try this at home without professional consultation first. You’ve also said that you’re not cool enough for the fro, and dreads are definitely in the same league. Man up, pal; we’re all “cool enough” for trying anything that resonates within us, and if this look sparks your interest, that’s a good indicator of something cool under your surface.

Using gel is fine, but if you put it on wet hair without blow drying it while brushing it smooth, it’s going to give you tight shiny ringlet curls, and I suspect that’s absolutely not the look you’re after. Try it on dry hair instead. Also, it’s a lot easier to straighten out curly hair when you’ve got some of it to work with, and that means a minimum of two or three inches. You mght not acheive stick straight hair, but controllable wavey hair is probably going to be satisfactory.

This brings me once again to the subject of flat irons. [Stop groaning, JoFlow] I’m telling you, give them a shot. Find a good ceramic flat iron, some nice, thick pomade, and take your time straightening your hair out. Go lock by lock if you have to, but you can get straight hair happening with them if you just add patience. Clearly, the time involved is such that you will probably not want to do every day, and it also demands that you have more than 5/8ths of an inch of hair to work with. Ever try or consider just growing it long? You might be surprised by what you can do with some length after six or seven months.

Meanwhile, try using different bristled brushes and combs; very often men tend to use the same type of brushes or combs that we grew up with and never realise that we can acheive rather different effects with brushes of different types. If you’re going to try using some grease or wax, the standard black plastic men’s pocket comb is perfect; without any product and those combs are only going to make your hair frizz out.

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That said, I want to make the most of it, if for no other reason than to do some more research for the inevitable “Las Vegas” theme week here on Dethroner. (It’s not going to happen next week; it deserves my full dedication.) What places live up to the hype? What’s worth going off the strip to find? Can one really make off-the-record penicillin out of orange peels?

Restaurants, bars, and entertainment suggestions are highest on my list. I consider gambling to me an occasional, scene-setting trifle, but incidental to the Las Vegas experience.

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