Sphincterine Ass-tringent: Minty Fresh Ass

Since you’re going to be hearing a lot from me in the days to come, let me reveal something to you good Dethroner readers right away: I may live to a hundred and twelve, but potty humor will always work on me. In that regard, if no other, I shall remain a juvenile delinquent, like my old man before me. Anything poo-related is fascinating and funny.

Armed with this understanding of me, a few years ago my wife came home with something which began as a gag gift but proved to be wondrously effective in spite of the joke: a bottle of Sphincterine Ass-tringent.

From the website to the label to the badly recorded jingle, the folks behind Sphincterine present this product with low-brow brilliance; there is no way to soberly market this stuff. Because Western culture has accepted toilet paper as the method by which we cleanse ourselves after a dump, we may now market such a product without a wink and a smile—even if the fluffy cartoon bears of the current Charmin commercials hint at the inherent funny of selling toilet paper to the masses.

Unfortunately, the humor is a double-edged sword. I suspect that their marketing strategy, though appropriate, may mislead consumers at large to think as my wife did—that Sphincterine is a gag purchase only, and not a wholly worthwhile product for use. It is. I’m amazed that I’ve lived so long without using something like this on a regular basis.

Directions are simple:

1. Poop. (Can be any kind of poop. Decorum prohibits me firing off a list of the variety of poop available, but I’m sure each of our readers has experienced the gamut. No matter your poop du jour, you will need to observe the following step.)
2. Wipe up, Johnny!

Ah…can that be it? No, by god! Because unlike trace-leaving dry paper alone, you’re also armed with the minty fresh, asshole-tingling Sphincterine! A few drops on your paper wad will do. The moisture alone helps clean the actual waste from your region, but wait, there’s more to it. There’s aloe, dead sea salt, witch hazel, and for that nifty smell and the lingering ‘tingle’, spearmint oil. Why, you’ll leave the throne fresher than when you sat down in the first place. Nothing like walking back to the office with an air of confidence…and confidence is key.