Choose Your Own Adventure: The Cave of HDTV

You enter the yawning archway to find a vast antechamber filled with mirrors and light. Around you khaki-clad gnomes scurry, stealing between the gleaming, polychromic plastic troughs that carve up the floor of the chamber like coral in a reef. Entranced, you are led by forces beyond your ken to the dark recess near the back. As you peer inside, you notice dozens of flat, glowing portals.

A gnome hops down from his ergonomic toadstool to cock a leering eye in your direction. “What kind of HDTV are you looking for today?” he keens.

• If you answer, “I just want something basic,” turn to page 17.
• If you answer, “I want as large a screen as possible,” turn to page 308.
• If you answer, “I want the best that money can buy,” turn to page 2.

PAGE 2

The gnome leads you to a dais in the back of the recessed area, upon which several high-definition televisions are arrayed. “Any one of these should do nicely,” he purrs. “They are all name brands—Sony, Sharp, Panasonic, Pioneer JVC, Samsung, Toshiba, and more—offer full 1080p native resolution, and are big as shit.” You look around, barely able to discern any difference between the picture quality.

• If you pick the one with the brightest screen, turn to page 211.
• If you pick the one with the richest colors, turn to page 211.
• If you pick the one with the largest screen, turn to page 212.

PAGE 3

“Rear-projection screens are the way for you, friend.” The gnome smiles and wipes a lock of greasy hair out of his eyes. “They’re a little thicker than a plasma or LCD TV, but not much, and they’ve got extremely large screens.” You pick the largest one you can find that has at least a 720p native resolution—1080p if you’re feeling saucy—and component and HDMI inputs. You don’t actually know what rear-projection is, but your TV is huge and by proxy so are your genitals.

Having brought the TV home and arranging it just so, you turn it on. It explodes, immolating you in eldritch flame. You die. THE END.

PAGE 17

The gnome sweeps his arm across the vast array of mid-range HDTV units on display. “Just get anything that does 720p native or higher, has component and HDMI inputs, and is big enough to fit in your living room.” You gawk for a moment, unsure you’ve heard him correctly.

“That’s really all there is to it?” you ask. The gnome does not answer, as he’s already off trying to sell a product service plan to alternate version of you who is buying the expensive HDTV on page 2. You grab a a 42-inch set off the shelf, have the pixies at the front ring it up, and head towards home, never giving much more thought to the day’s adventure (which on the whole was really much more daunting in apprehension than it was in execution).

On the way home, contemplating watching football on your new television, your car hits a dragon that was a mother to five. Because of an obscure ruling that makes dragonslaughter by automobile a capital offense, you spend the rest of your life on death row. THE END.

PAGE 211

The gnome whips out a mace and clubs your noggin before running away with your wallet. “Only a fool judges picture quality in a store!” he cackles. You chomp down on the poison pill you’d saved from your days as a cosmonaut and die with a sputter. THE END.

PAGE 212

“Fuck it,” you think. “I’m loaded.” You pick one of the huge, expensive 1080p units—probably something from Sony—and have the gnome spirit it off to your abode on the backs of company basilisks. You retire in resplendent repose, occasionally flicking the new HDTV on and off to distract you from the batch of sub-standard cocaine you’re sniffing from the skull of a dead hooker. THE END.

PAGE 308

“Projection screens, that’s the ticket! Rear or front, now you must pick it!” You cringe. There’s nothing more dangerous that a rhyming gnome, especially one asking “rear or front?”

• If you answer, “I’d like a screen so big it can be seen from space, but I only watch TV in the dark” turn to page 2112.
• If you answer, “I’d like a big screen, but I want to watch TV during the day,” turn to page 3.

PAGE 2112

“Consider the front projector,” coos the gnome.

“Aren’t those for Powerpoint presentations and watching stag films at the Moose Lodge?” you reply.

“Not anymore!” The gnome clicks his heels. “If you can control the ambient light levels with curtains—or perhaps setting it up in a room with no windows at all—a front-projector can provide a beautiful image that’s many feet wide! It’s true home theater!” The gnome farts a rainbow.

You grab a projector from the shelf, making sure it supports at least 720p natively and has component and HDMI inputs (giving special consideration to units from Panasonic and Sanyo). You bring it back to your cave, where the blinding light from the projector against the wall reveals the outline of a secret door. You gingerly push on the door, which swings open to reveal a portal to a star going nova. Seconds after the air is ripped from your lungs by the cold vacuum of space, you and your world are consumed utterly. THE END.

EPILOGUE

Just buy any TV with 720p native resolution or higher and component and HDMI inputs. Everything else isn’t really that important. THE END.