Clove Cigarettes: Not Suitable for Anyone

Clove cigarettes are a mixture of about 70% tobacco and 30% clove, the very same cooking spice used for ciders and hams. In addition to the nicotine from the tobacco, the cloves release a chemical called eugenol that can “numb the throat and impair the gag reflex,” misleading some to presume that clove cigarettes are best when an appetizer before smoking cock. Instead, “cloves” are the predominate cigarette of Indonesia, their country of origin, where they are charmingly, onomatopoeically referred to as “kretek,” for the sound the cloves make as they burn.

They are often smoked in our country as presumptuous affectations by douchebags, who choke down the acrid smoke in a pretense of enjoyment simply because cloves both smell interesting and are offten wrapped in black or brown paper. (If Marlboro sold a variety of cigarette wrapped in jet paper and smelling of fingernail polish, clove consumption would drop to nearly zero.)

Cloves are generally regarded as more harmful than regular cigarettes, although the dramatic “lung bleeding” hasn’t been shown to be any more pronounced than after smoking only tobacco. (Anecdotal evidence suggests, however, a sharp uptick in bleeding from the wrists.) They have been shown to deliver more nicotine, tar, and carbon monoxide than traditional cigarettes.

I’m sorry—you may think they’re the tastiest treat in creation, but like all-black wardrobes and belts make of skulls, they’ve been too-far sullied by “mysterious” twats to be smoked anywhere other than the privacy of your own basement lair.

If you must smoke something other than a cigarette, try bidis (bee-dees), tiny cigarettes wrapped in a tendu leaf and tied with a bit of string. They’ll still kill you up just as fast as a clove cigarette, but they’re just barely less pretentious and come in flavors more suited to your teenage palate, like chocolate and “not tobacco.”