Things to Remember When Buying a New Car

Shopping for new cars is fun. Back when I couldn’t afford a new car my friend Mike and I would often drive around town, visiting dealers, taking cars out for test drives, and collecting car brochures—perhaps that’s why the process of car shopping doesn’t instill in me the same paralyzing fear that seems to grip others when it’s time to grab some new wheels.

Here are a few important reminders that I hope will calm your quaking when next you visit Hap Hazzard’s Miracle Mile.

(Be aware: This isn’t the “Should I buy new or used?” discussion that we could have, if you guys want. We’re operating under the assumption that you’re ready to buy new.)

• Hey, you’re getting a new car! – How often does that happen? Maybe once every few years? In your life, if you’re lucky, you’ll own maybe a dozen new cars; this is a treat.

Stop fretting about the money for a minute and think: You’re going to drive lots of cars, learn a few things about modern car engineering, and lay a big, fat offering on the altar of retail therapy.

• Determine your budget before you leave the house. – You’re going to walk into the showroom and be set upon by sales-wolves who will immediately try to get you to double your budget. Determine what your monthly payment can be, plus insurance, plus money for down payment, plus money for sales tax and licensing.

Then don’t share this number with the sales-douches. That’s going to be their first question: “How much do you want to spend a month?” For the first of many times let me simply say: Fuck them. That’s a number for you, your accountant, and god. (For now.)

• Figure out what type of car you want. – Don’t go into a showroom with no idea of what you’re looking for. The barely sentient sales-slimes instantly make you as an easy mark and you’ll probably end up getting whatever they want to push on you.

You don’t have to know every last detail, but at least determine if you want a truck, a family car, a minivan, an economy car, or a sports car.

• Leave your money at home. – Plan on visiting your future car at least three times before purchasing: Once to view it and grab the literature; once to test drive it; once to haggle.

• Car salesmen are not human. – And as such, do not deserve the treatment afforded to your fellow man. They exist in a strange limbo void of basic dignity and decency and should be treated with casual indifference.

In your car shopping you’ll run across a couple of salesmen who seem… normal. This is a trap. They are as wicked as any obvious greaseballs.

This is what a car salesman is to you: A lumpy golem who delivers the car keys for your test drive and answers your price offer with a clear yes or no. He isn’t your friend; he isn’t “trying to help you out, here”; he isn’t going to “talk to his sales manager” to see if he can meet your offer.

• Finance through a credit union. – Banks and the lending agencies owned by the car companies are not inherently bad, but you’ll almost always get better interest rates with a credit union.

There are certainly many more tips that could be added, but am I missing any critical steps?