Losing Weight and Getting Cut the Henry Way

My buddy Henry wrote:

Are you pudgy and doughy? Lose the poundage, Chubsy. I want you in the gym. I want you to write short stories about all the times you’ve been rejected and left hanging by some Molly McWallflower in your past, and I want you angry about it. Get in there and stomp on their faces with every step on the treadmill (I recommend the elliptical machine though). I want you in there twice a day, 3 days on, 1 day off. A want a morning or lunchtime 20-30 minutes run on the elliptical, then an afternoon (straight from work) with some low-weight, high rep lifting and another 20 minutes on the fucking ellip machine, Son. 3-4 months, if you stop drinking beer (for the meanwhile, you’ll need your tolerance back by college time) and stop eating complete shit and drinking soda, and you’ll drop 30 pounds, easy (you’ll get 10 or so back in muscle mass, so don’t freak on the weight differential). You’ll lose even more if you’re a fat fuck.

As the saying goes: breakfast like a king, lunch like a knight, dinner like a pauper. No foodsies after 6 or 7 PM. Eat immediately after your PM workout, while your tummy is still all jumbly from the gym. Whack down protein shakes for snacks (fuck mixing them with milk, use Gatorade inthe perfectly-sized 20-oz bottles) and/or right before meals, to fill your stomach. Tape Fear Factor and watch it whenever you get hungry. Oh, you’ll get hungry alright, a fucking nasty deep gnaw that you have to fight off, because that is exactly when you’re gonna start dropping pounds like Junior Mints at the late show. Order some pills with Ephedra in them from Taiwan. Fuck those warnings, no substance on Earth is as effective at burning fat and – most importantly – readjusting your body weight equilibrium so that you aren’t as likely to gain it back. Allow for time to build a proper tolerance, so you don’t drop dead of an asploded heart like all them dumb fatties that got that wonderful shit banned. With that and all health supplements, don’t even go near the fucking dosages/portions listed on the bottle. Those were written up for 240-lb lunkhead powerlifters who have to ask their 8-year-old nieces to read it to them. I’d go halvsies tops, on anything.

You won’t hardly be able to tell, because we’re all body dysmorphic basketcases, but a toned physique with most of the sloppy fat trimmed will make an enormous difference. It’s that subtle change where your waistline tapers in from your back and shoulders. It’s enough for a start. Don’t puss out on the shoulder and back exercises, either. Working out those areas contributes more to your overall physique than fucking wheezing out on a curl bar or even bench press. Don’t tell anyone you’re hitting the gym, unless you want a partner (not a bad idea, usually keeps you honest, try to go with someone you don’t know know too well and you’ll feel obligated to show up for his/her sake, and vice-versa). When the people around you start to notice you’re getting in shape, then you truly are. Once you’re dialed in, move to New Mexico and enroll in Pussy 101. I suggest English and Psychology courses. Not Art, despite the enticing male:female ratio. Those chicks are bananas, and the guys are queer.