I’m Still Not Back, but Naomi Wolf Forced My Porn-Clawed Hand

“The Porn Myth,” an new ancient-by-internet-standards piece by Naomi Wolf in New York magazine, attempts to blame men’s consumption of pornography for “[turning] them off the real thing.” The article is a train wreck. I’m supposed to be sitting here lazily considering my actions for the upcoming months, but I am compelled to highlight her most ridiculous presumptions.

I’ll skip over the part where she checks Andrea Dworkin, the feminist thinker who posited that pornography would turn men into rapacious sex monsters.

For most of human history, erotic images have been reflections of, or celebrations of, or substitutes for, real naked women. For the first time in human history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn.

Wolf has obviously chosen not to acknowledge the amateur pornography revolution the internet facilitated, which, while full of girls who may not exactly be true amateurs, is still populated by girls that look approachable, blessedly imperfect, and happy.

Here is what young women tell me on college campuses when the subject comes up: They can’t compete, and they know it.

Oh, those poor college girls, unable to get fucked. If only they could unlock the mystery of the elusive college-aged male libido!

Being naked is not enough; you have to be buff, be tan with no tan lines, have the surgically hoisted breasts and the Brazilian bikini wax—just like porn stars. (In my gym, the 40-year-old women have adult pubic hair; the twentysomethings have all been trimmed and styled.)

Ah, the myth of the big muff. Let me give you a hint, Wolf: being naked is probably plenty, if you want a little action. Being naked, fit, and well-groomed is probably a little better.

But my pro-tip is this: Despite years of campaigning, I have not been allowed to cruise women’s locker rooms for snatch, picking my lovers out of a sopping line-up. Stop staring nervously at young cooter and go outside. That’s where the men are.

If your appetite is stimulated and fed by poor-quality material, it takes more junk to fill you up. People are not closer because of porn but further apart; people are not more turned on in their daily lives but less so.

Let’s bust this old chestnut that lots of porn makes you unable to appreciate a “real” woman. Even the most porn-soaked man, assured by his personal tastes in pornography that his ideal woman is an inflated silicone golem, turns to butter when confronted with attention from a soft, breathing woman. If a man refuses to sleep with a willing woman because she doesn’t look like his ideal, he’s at worst using that mythical ideal as a shield to protect his insecurities, at best making a choice of legitimate preference.

Pornography doesn’t deaden a man to real women. It deadens a man to more pornography. Masturbating to pornography in lieu of sex with a willing partner is a symptom of other personal travails, not the cause.

Mostly, when I ask about loneliness, a deep, sad silence descends on audiences of young men and young women alike. They know they are lonely together, even when conjoined, and that this imagery is a big part of that loneliness. What they don’t know is how to get out, how to find each other again erotically, face-to-face.

Oh, for fuck’s sake! Why is it that some feminist thinkers want to make casual, emotionally-null sex verboten, as if every orgasm must be preceded by hours of intimate, soul-wrenching passion? Of course sex with an emotional connection is great—better than!—a drive-by airlocking of genitals, but we’re not talking either/or experiences, here. Some of my most emotionally uplifting sexual experiences occurred in the midst of a particularly slutty time in my life. Having a one-night stand with someone doesn’t preclude my ability to have a deeper intersection with someone else later.

I will never forget a visit I made to Ilana, an old friend who had become an Orthodox Jew in Jerusalem. When I saw her again, she had abandoned her jeans and T-shirts for long skirts and a head scarf. I could not get over it. Ilana has waist-length, wild and curly golden-blonde hair. “Can’t I even see your hair?” I asked, trying to find my old friend in there. “No,” she demurred quietly. “Only my husband,” she said with a calm sexual confidence, “ever gets to see my hair.”

You’re right, Wolf: What we need is a return to fundamentalist attitudes to women’s sexuality. I mean, fine, whatever works for two consenting adults, but you want to address your claimed paucity of sexual experience for women by suggesting they become more demure?

Look, if you want to make a point that our visual society has created an environment that makes women (and men!) insecure about their bodies, then I’d be more apt to agree with you. (While also pointing out that we’re a nation of fat, unhealthy fuckers, so maybe some of our body image insecurities have a foothold in legitimate concern.) But I am comfortable testifying for the majority of men out there; we’re ready to rock you. If the crux is that Americans aren’t getting enough action, then I agree, but let’s not blame the wide world of pornography—comprised of a gaping cornucopia of body types and preferences of which I suspect you’re not really that familiar—for women not getting enough cock to suit them.

It’s strange that I have to explain this to a supposed feminist, but here’s what almost all men find attractive: a confident woman who enjoys sex—cervix with a smile. If the issue is that women aren’t getting laid enough, then I think we can find a mutually agreeable solution.

The Porn Myth [NYMag.com]

Update: My friend Matt linked me to this AP story about a survey of college-aged kids about their reasons for sex.

College-aged men and women agree on their top reasons for having sex – they were attracted to the person, they wanted to experience physical pleasure and “it feels good” … Expressing love and showing affection were in the top 10 for both men and women, but they did take a back seat to the clear No. 1: “I was attracted to the person.” … “None of the gender differences are all that great,” Meston said. “Men were more likely to be opportunistic towards having sex, so if sex were there and available they would jump on it, somewhat more so than women. Women were more likely to have sex because they felt they needed to please their partner.”