How To Have A Crappy Bachelor Party

There’s a company called I-Volution, which owns two online shops germane to this week’s topic: bachelorettepartyfun.com and bachelorpartyfun.com, the two largest bachelor(ette) party sites. These online shops sell the cheap crap novelty items such as penis hats and nipple shot glass covers, seems to be their primary purpose. They’ve reported that they’ve received over 4 million visitors in the last year and they expect the count to soar by around a million more in the next year. This makes me sad; the sheer lack of creativity in the world is perfectly reflected by these numbers.

A bit of background: I was a bartender for a few years at a theme bar in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, it was called the Safe House which had a spy theme, you had to know the password to get in, and a sliding bookshelf would open and lead you into a secret hallway. We had blackjack and novelty drinks and weird games, a piece of the Berlin Wall and some glass that Dillinger allegedly shot out while trying to escape form the feds. Secret escape passages, etc. Actually, it’s a pretty neat place that, should you find yourself in Milwaukee, you ought to check out once. And only once. If you do so on a Friday or Saturday, however, be warned that you’ll encounter at least one bachelor or bachelorette party and probably three.

I’ve been witness to at least a hundred of the lousiest, most tedious, unoriginal, bachelor/ette parties ever thrown. The people responsible for holding their parties at theme bars, cluttered with all the novelty dicknose glasses and breast-shaped beer steins should never have been put in charge of the affairs. The only thing that redeemed these events was booze and gallons of it; the only way to have fun during these toss-off parties is to get completely hammered. Though I made a ton of money pouring the hapless knobs into oblivion, I always felt awful for the grooms and brides, whose Best Mens’/Maid of Honors’ idea of a great send off was the celebratory equivalent of an Adam Sandler comedy: formula-driven, predictable, uninspired, yet strangely and enormously popular.

It’s easy to imagine that, years from now, when any number of old crews get together to bury one of their members, while some guy recalls the silly shenanigans at so n’ so’s bachelor party, every guy present might think, “hey, wasn’t that my bachelor party?” —and every guy would be right!

Please, guys. If your boy is getting married and you’ve been given the honor of making the bachelor party arrangements, have some originality. Put some thought into the affair, try to stay away from the trite and overused themes that we’ve all been party to over and over again. This is your big chance to show your love for your friend and brother. Unless the both of you are dullards and dolts, don’t you deserve something better than theme bars, strippers, and condom hats?

Final Fling With a New Ring: Bachelorette and Bachelor Party Consumers Increase in Online Activity and Creative Party Planning [sys-con.com]