Onward, Christian Web Designers

As a member of the world’s most elite web design clan (our homepage is currently offline for re-fattening), I am eminently qualified to give—as we say in the web d-sign game—mad kudoz to “Sharper FX,” a company whose legacy seems to be the building of extraordinary web destinations for Christian groups with a bent for military overtures. Rather than attempting to explain these Tom Clancy-ish web experiences, turn your speakers way up and get ready to be assaulted by the blipping vectors of God’s Love.

How Sharper FX describes their work: “Classy; Powerful; Innovative; Cutting Edge; Quality; Affordable.”

New Birth Missionary Baptist Church’s web site has a fantastic purple intro, full of trembling hands outstretched to heaven and martial thumping drums, only to quickly segue into a incongruously touching choral hymn proclaiming “It’s a new day! It’s a new beginning!” It’s as if to say, “Pick up those swords, Christian soldiers, and beat them into smoove electric pianos.”

The International Congress of Churches & Ministers takes a more ominous throb with vaguely Roman overtones, like a God-fueled commercial for the U.S. Marine Corps. And what could a web visitor infer about the ICCM’s mission from the flame-spurting columns, glistening badges, and poly-ethnic slideshow of smartly-dressed believers? If you said “That the ICCM helps a church give unto Caesar?” then you’d be correct as fuck, as a disembodied voice explains that the ICCM really, really wants to help your church to figure out its taxes.

I’m not even a Christian nor a warmonger but after seeing the Evangel Cathedral’s website I am ready to tear our someone’s larynx while belting out songs from my own passion play, “If Jesus Were Eddie Van Halen My Heart Would Be Valerie Bertanelli.” And you have to respect Evangel Cathedral’s pioneering work in race relations: by simply listening to “Rock On,” the theme song that plays in the background while zany laugher-in-chief Bishop Don Meares introduces you to their “web presence,” a person can realize that in this progressive modern age, even black people can ruin rock and roll. Seriously, I want to do mushrooms with these guys.

But Sharper FX has done some work of which they’re so proud they keep it on their own web server. And frankly, they should be more than proud, as they have been anointed to create the finest bit of Flash animation ever to grace the liquid-crystal screen: the introduction and story of K&K Mime, the world’s most pioneering gospel mime duo. K&K Mime’s grim visages and outstretched gloves tell a tale too powerful for words, a story of two mimes who have spent a life on the street fighting Satan’s influence and the slings and arrows of a misunderstanding public. Get ready “to be catapulted to a new dimension in worship!”