Dead Simple Recipes to Impress a Date

My buddy Alex is one of the slickest motherfuckers I know. I asked him how he uses food to lure women into the sack and discovered he has an entire dish dedicated to determining whether or not they’re even worth the trouble.

Dethroner: Do you have any simple recipes you’d use to impress a woman?
Alex: Oh my.
Alex: It depends on whether or not she’s vegetarian.
Alex: I should have made a policy a long time ago to only date meat eaters…
Dethroner: Yeah, I was going to say, what good woman doesn’t eat meat?
Dethroner: But then again, that might be a good one to have in the stable.
Dethroner: (The recipe, not the woman.)
Alex: Well, the way I look at it is, I’m the one who should be impressed, right?
Alex: If she’s not into me, that’s obvious from jump.
Alex: If she is, that’s when it’s time to discern if this woman not only can keep up, but will be fun along the way.
Alex: So you make a table full of make-it-yourself taco fillings.
Alex: It’s a lot of prep time, but the best things in life are like that.
Dethroner: You’re forgetting that most of us aren’t big, beautiful gypsy princes and have to lure women into our homes littered with underwear and belly button lint piles.
Alex: Ah, but we should all view ourselves that way! Confidence, like WIlly Wonka says, is key!
Alex: Besides, the belly-lint underwear farmers like tacos.
Alex: So you make an assload of taco fillings: chopped lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced chilies, jalapeños, refried black beans, seasoned taco meat, shredded chicken verde, chipotle pork, pico de gaillo, etc, and then all you have to do is warm the tortillas.
Alex: If she makes one puny taco with no meat, see if you can get her panties off that night. Whether you can or cant, she’s not invited back for seconds.
Alex: ’cause chicks on diets are no fun at all.
Alex: And they’re lousy kissers.
Alex: Conversely, if she really loads up on some healthy overstuffed tacos, and I mean tacos, [plural], that’s a girl worth considering.
Alex: But don’t try to get her panties off that night. If she’s anything like you, those beans and the onions will leave her bloated and gassy.
Alex: She could really push the threshold and fart on the first date, and that’s either a deal breaker or a deal maker, depending on where your head’s at.
Dethroner: SO TO SPEAK OH HO HO
Alex: Best not to play those odds.