Dapper or Crapper: Darren’s Malta Look

Darren writes:

I’m going to live in Malta for six months, and need some hot weather clothing. I normally wouldn’t go in for the man capris and sandals, but I figure the climate dictates them.

As for the straw hat, well, that’s only for lounging by the pool. I’m hoping to find a more stylish yet wide-brimmed hat once I get there. Mind you, the Maltese are the smallest people in Europe, and I have an absurdly large head, so that may not work out.

I feel your pain on the giant head front. I have actually been laughed at by store clerks when I say I need a bigger hat, only to see their faces fall when they realize I’m serious. On the upside, I think that hat has a certain something—it might be the best part of the outfit.

And before you think I’m going to ding you for the “man capris,” I’m actually fine with those, too. My problems are your accessories: your sunglasses don’t compliment the shape of that giant gourd, your turquoise shirt stands out garishly from underneath your shirt, and those shoes… I understand you need comfort but these’s something about the slight bloom of those pants’ termination that leads the eyes down to your feet, only to peel back the cornea like an onion in a wind tunnel as they take in those x-treme comfort sport sandals.

How about you save the sandals for hiking days and get a nice pair of white or brown slip-on loafers for relaxing pool-side? And get your hands out of your pockets, soldier! I want to see a drink in one paw and the tiny skull of a Maltese assassin palmed in the other.

Check Out My Hawt Look for Malta [Darren Barefoot]