A Brief Guide to Public Restroom Etiquette

Public restrooms intimidate some men, turning them into vacuous sissies who, when confronted with an uncomfortable situation, make a beeline for the sinks and pretend they merely needed to wash their hands. Clue: you’re not fooling anybody. Other men are a little too comfortable, apparently confusing the public lavatory for a high school locker room, complete with back slaps, high-fives, and sometimes even comments about their manhood. In the interest of calling out these freaks and improving everyone’s experience, we offer this brief etiquette guide.

• The courtesy urinal. Don’t be shy at the urinal, but don’t be too aggressive. If possible, leave a courtesy urinal between yourself and the nearest fellow pisser. If this isn’t possible, either because there are less than three urinals or it’s too crowded, you have a choice: step up or stall out. Do not, however, use this as an excuse to simply blow your nose, or wash your hands and leave. Man up!
• Step right up. If you elect (or are forced) to go all Braveheart and whiz next to your fellow man, don’t make eye contact, don’t say anything to them, and certainly don’t do anything that will give them the impression that you’re trying to catch a glimpse of their John Thomas, especially if you are. Bonus points: if you’re lucky you’ll “step right up” next to the vacuous sissy described above and totally ice him, interrupting his flow and causing him to prematurely flush and leave the restroom in shame. This is one of the greatest moments of triumph a man can experience.
• Stalling out. If you elect to shuffle your way into a stall to do your business, you should not perform a pre-piss nose blow, as this comes off as a feeble attempt at justifying to those nearby why you chose the stall. On the other hand, if you’re forced to use a stall due to urinal scarcity, this does not apply.
• Trough trouble. All the previous rules assume standard one-man urinals. When it comes to the notorious piss trough (pictured) everything changes. Nothing is more shameful than a man’s inability to perform at the piss trough, yet it is a common malady, perhaps because it violates every ingrained rule of restroom etiquette: men standing so close they’re often touching, and, especially at packed sports events, talking to each other while they’re doing their business. This is perhaps the only time it is appropriate to act as though you’re in a high school locker room, so run with it. I’ve actually heard one (drunk) guy at the trough comment about another guy’s piece. Go crazy, there are no rules!
• Don’t fear farts. While engaged in urination, don’t be ashamed to squeeze one out in mixed company. If someone else is the guilty farter, it’s generally best to just ignore it and be silent, but if it makes a particularly entertaining sound or a nauseatingly foul odor, it is not always inappropriate to say something along the lines of, “damn dude!” Bonus points: receiving such a comment should be regarded as high praise.
• Here comes the fudge. Some guys are not at all intimidated by the need to Number One in public, but they seize up like an unoiled motor when it’s time to take a dump—I used to be one. To you men, I say, “no more!” Being able to shit freely in public restrooms is extremely liberating. Fear not the faceless man in the stall next to you; fear not that there be pissers at the urinals. They aren’t going to judge you just because nature called at this particular moment. Puff your chest and walk boldly to the stall, announcing to the world (by your actions) that you are going to do your business. However, once you’re actually engaged in the act, there are some guidelines. You can make all the noise you like with your ass, but do keep any porcine grunting to a minimum. Under no circumstances may you emit anything resembling groans of pleasure.
• Wash your hands! I don’t care if you just did a little tinkle, or dropped a load like you’ve never dropped before, wash your hands. Yes, with soap, you sick fuck! It can’t be said enough! Do it!