Damn You, Mom: Style Tips for Fat Men

Except for the time after I dropped out of high school and drank cough syrup for a couple of years, I’ve been fighting my weight all my life. I’ve got it somewhat under control at the moment (how is a discussion for another week), but by New York standards I’m still morbidly obese.

Here are some of the things I’ve learned personally about mitigating the discomfort of trying to look my best even when I’m packing around a UNICEF caravan’s worth of stored calories.

• Buy the smallest size in which you feel comfortable. You’re chunky. You know this. So does everybody else. I personally tend to judge myself much harder than anyone else that knows me does. (At least when it comes to looks; I regularly am reminded by friends and coworkers that I’m an asshole.) Nobody is going to see you walk in with a new outfit and think, “Gee, Fat Commander is looking especially fat today.” Properly-fitting clothes will actually make you look less chunky than if you’re wearing size XXX^{^10}L shirts. You don’t look like you’re a rapper; You look like an elephant hiding in a yurt.

That said, make sure you can still move around. You’re looking for a sweet spot between roll-hugging and muu-muu.

• Dark is better. Here’s an experiment: Put on one white t-shirt in your default size. Now replace it with a black one. Ignoring the fact that plain white t-shirts are only acceptable attire for extremely built dudes and The Fonz, you’re going to look slimmer in darker colors.

• Stay clean. You know that gross fatty that everyone wants to avoid? Most people aren’t harshing on him because he’s pudged out; He’s just farging disgusting. Being overweight and dirty is about five times as bad as being slim and dirty. (I’m speaking from experience here. People are happy to avoid sitting next to me on the subway when I’m the only guy sweating in October.)

Keep your beard and hair trimmed and styled. Avoid long hair entirely. Wash every day—there are more folds on your body within which smells can bloom. If you’re large, you’ll sweat more in general, so plan on washing your clothes between every wear.

• Don’t wear giant pants. It sucks trying to find pants when you’re large, because to get them big enough in the waist they tend to be too long. Don’t roll ‘em up—get them tailored to the proper length or buy from a store that carries large sizes.

• Untucked shirts are fine, but keep them ironed. You get a special reprieve on the shirt tucking rule, but do yourself a favor and get your shirts dry cleaned or ironed. Nasty rumpled shirt tails flapping around make an already shabby look shabbier.

I feel your pain on this one, guys—weight is my personal bugbear, too. But being overweight shouldn’t preclude your ability to feel nice about the way you look.

And a warning for commenters: Spare us the “Lose weight, fathorse” comments. I actually think being overweight is a problem that should be tackled, but there’s no reason to not make the best of a situation in the meantime.

Image couresy of The Sartorialist, which I can’t believe we haven’t discussed yet. And yes, that man is fat for Manhattan.