Diet Coke Plus Vitamins Does Not Equal A Healthier Soda, And I Don’t Care

Seriously, I couldn’t give a damn if they put steroids in my Diet Coke; just don’t put any sugar in it and we won’t have problems.

I used to drink a lot of Coke, my whole family are Coke fiends. It all started with my mom. She’s got a few rules, but chief among them is that NOBODY takes the last Coke. You don’t do it. That one’s for Mom. Set the house on fire, but do not drink the last Coke. She can have gone three weeks without one, no problem. But there is the comfort that she can wake up in the middle of the night with the confidence that, should she want one, it’s there, waiting for her.

Scott Rosenfield came over one sophomore year afternoon and he went downstairs to grab a drink. He came back into my room, we’re chatting, and then I see what he’s drinking. “Oh my god,” I exclaimed, “You’re drinking the Coke!” Noting my unmistakable panic, he said, eyes widened, “What do you mean the Coke? What do you mean THE Coke?!!” I explained the family rule, noting that, even if your throat is on fire and there’s nothing else available but toilet water…you don’t drink the last Coke.

The gravity of the situation was intense, and the mood, buoyed by levity, was still dire. Made all the more so, in fact, by the crunch of my mom’s tires in the driveway.

Many fast four letter words later, we were on our feet and running down the stairs, planning a fast trip to town in the hope that she wouldn’t notice our dearth of Coke in the meantime. So we met her downstairs, Mom was in the kitchen, and Scott made small talk while I hunted down my shoes. I’m in the living room when I hear it.

Like the fantasical scream of the banshee! As terrifying as the howl of the Furies of old! So was the wail coming from the kitchen. My mother had discovered that her Coke, the last coke in the house, was gone, and she was bellowing in mock rage, “WHOOOOO DRAAANK THE LAAASSSSST COOOOOOKE?!?!!”. Shoes in hand, I dash into the kitchen, grab my stammering friend and say over my hunched shoulder, “we’llberightbackwithmoreCokeveryverysoondon’tworry!”

Sortie accomplished, we arrived home to see my mom waiting in the doorway, an ice cold Coke in her hand and a smug grin plastered on her face. The bitch had hidden one somewhere! And she was laughing at us.

So what’s this got to do with the Diet Coke Plus product that they’re introducing this Spring? Nothing, really. I just like telling that story.

Years ago I acclimated to Diet Coke and I haven’t been able to switch back, nor would I want to; regular Coke’s now way too sweet to me, and the volume at which I consume cola is obscene; I’d be fat as hell by now if I still drank full sugared sodas. Of course, Aspartame’s no damned good for you either, and I can’t find Tab with any real convenience. (I’ll totally substitute Saccharine for Aspartame any day of the week, and Tab remains the best diet soda ever.)

So. Diet Coke with Splenda is kinda ecch. Coke Zero is great. Diet Coke is better, and Tab is the uncontested best, and comes in the coolest can. Now comes Diet Coke Plus, with all kinds of vitamins. I’m curious to see if there will be any noticeable difference. Don’t tell me that it’s ‘healthy’, though, there’s still plenty of crap in it that no amount of vitamin C, D, or Q will fix. And don’t bullshit me that it’s a “sparkling beverage” either. It’s a soft drink. It’s a soda. It’s a Coke. And don’t take the last one out of my fridge or someone’s gonna get it.

So read the New York Times article about this poop already.