Dapper or Crapper: Ian’s Wedding Suit & Tie

Ian N. writes:

I’m an avid reader and need some help. The spot: Nuevo Vallarta, Mexico. The occasion: my wedding. The idea: to have a relaxed yet neat wedding suit with tie. The problem: the tan linen suits are too pressed, too neat. I found a distressed cotton suit from J Crew but I ordered the wrong size and now they are sold out.

I just went the way of Hugo Boss Tan linen suit, white shirt, and for the beachy style, a Seersucker tie. I am not sure if this will all work but attached is the over all look. (Without my face posted on the intertrons of course.) [Wuss! - Ed.] I am wearing sandals with this so that is also a concern. How beachy is too beachy and how weddingish is too wedding? The idea is to be an appropriate groom yet still be relaxed on a beach.

Joel: First of all, I totally dig that tie. (I’m generally a’flutter for seersucker.) It’s classy without being uptight. It can’t help it; that is the seersucker way.

I even like the suit, but I’m not sure if it’s light enough for the beach. Surf and sand pretty much dictate light-colored linen, despite your fears. You’re already going to be having your wedding on the beach—don’t worry about trying to class it up now! (Not that there’s anything wrong with a wedding on a beach, mind you, but it does imply a certain willful ignorance of convention.)

I always seem to be easier on Dapper or Crapper victims than the commenters, but I think you’d do just fine in this. The color is darker than optimal, but whatever. I’m conflicted on the lack of belt. In some ways it’s the “beachy” look you’re going for, but it might screw up the way your pants hang, especially when you get them covered with water and your own voided bowels after you realize what you’ve done.

Alex: Okay. Okay. Hold it a second. It’s a thoroughly decent suit, perfect for attending a wedding, but to get married in it seems to me to be a waste of a perfectly reasonable opportunity to jazz things up a bit, or even a lot. This suit makes me fall asleep with my nose in the soup bowl. And, sorry Joel, but I sincerely hate that tie. We’re otherwise on the same page with seersucker, but please, save it for the suit!

Look, I’m all about bucking wedding traditions…I got married in hard core drag. For the most part, though, weddings are a tedious chore for nearly everyone involved. Everyone hates weddings, and it’s usually all about trying to make the bride happy anyway. You’ve taken things one gigantic step forward already by going to an exotic, intoxicatingly beautiful locale (I looked up some pictures – nice choice!), so no doubt your attendees will already actually enjoy themselves. But now you torpedo the moment with a darkish tan suit which, though perfectly acceptable for attending sunday services, has nothing whatsoever exceptional about it. You might as well go sell used cars in Mobile, Alabama in that thing.

Now there’s the matter of pairing the suit with sandals. My man, I just don’t know what to say. If you’re capable of making that kind of choice, there may be no hope for you. You might as well ditch the tie and replace the white shirt with a snappy Hawaiian pattern. In fact, that actually might work better, and then you don’t even need a belt (though I’m pretty sure you were going to add one anyway).

I say, claim this day as your own. Be bold. Wear a white or off-white unconstructed linen suit—you’re the only one of the party who can not only get away with it but even make that shit sing. I’m taking a page from the sandals idea here; if you’re going that kind of casual, don’t fuck around. Wear a nice loose shirt underneath, at least the three top buttons undone. You’re on the beach in the tropics, for hell’s sake. This is the one time you can actually pull off some of the shit from the International Male catalog…but by god, if you go that route, please see us first. That sucker’s a minefield of bad ideas for the most part and we really don’t want to see you getting married looking like a doucheflake.