Elimination Communication: How Dads Can Ditch Diapering

My grandfather has had ten kids in his life, and he’s changed exactly one diaper. Since defecation experts estimate the average number of diapers per child to hit around 6,000 before they get the hang of the toilet, that puts the approximate tally at Grandpa: 1, Grandma: 59,999.

For most dads today, that ratio’s not practical. Changing dude is one of the few tasks fathers can immediately master and physically deliver (unless you’re a Milk Man). And though not all changes are simple procedures – the dreaded “blow-out” (whereupon the diaper is insufficient to contain the insane quantities of spewing waste), for instance, is more like a Civil War Battlefield Surgery than it is a manageable daily transaction – diapering has become a part of most dads’ de facto duties.

But for guys who give two turds about what happens to all those soiled ass-wrappers, modern diapering is a moral morass. Disposables are a landfill nightmare and cloth diapers have environmental and practical problems of their own (including use of cleaning chemicals and all the water it takes to wash them).

There do exist, of course, hardcore eco-friendly options for the Earth conscious. You can buy gDiapers, which biodegrade, and can simply be flushed down the toilet (have the Roto-Rooter number at the ready, if you’re going to try this–I’m just saying). Or, of course, you can take the carbon balancing route. Just like SUV drivers pay for the pollution of their Hummers through TerraPass, dads can get a free enviro pass on all the diapers they change by chipping in to the UK’s Carbon Clear.

But the best option environmentally, and my personal (theoretical) favorite is Elimination Communication. A definition: “Elimination communication (EC) is a form of nurturing in which a caregiver uses timing, signals, cues, and intuition to help an infant address his or her elimination needs, partially or completely avoiding the use of diapers.”

That’s right. You watch the kid, begin to understand what face he makes and how he flails his arms when he has to go, then you grab him and run for the toilet when he goes cross-eyed. Eventually, you are able to sense when an eruption is imminent. I would further theorize that since it’s entirely possible to teach babies sign language, a dad with some ingenuity could simply create a hand signal for “Dad, I have to take a dump.”

Elimination communication is not only ecologically friendly, it’s economical, as well (so bite it, bean counters). Of, course I’ve never tried the method myself. Really, it’s not so easy being a rigorously environmentally friendly dad. And I’m guessing it’s not very clean either.