Kids: The Ultimate Bad Investment

Eddie McNamara, Dethroner’s pal from the local force, returns to drop another pearl of wisdom and advice. This time it’s less about John Q. Law and more about John Q. Dad, and why a sensible man should never, ever take part in repopulating his planet.

It should be noted that Eddie and his wife don’t have children or even pets. – Alex

There are two reasons and two reasons only that a man becomes a father. Either he didn’t pull out quick enough or he is so egomaniacal that he wishes to create life and mold it in his image in order to leave behind a legacy after he’s wearing a toe tag. It’s either the costliest mistake a man will ever make or a lifetime sentence of selflessness for a selfish decision.

As one life begins, two (assuming it’s a responsible father not a “baby daddy”) cease to exist. If you thought buying a new car was a bad investment try having a kid. Their first nine months are spent as a parasite inside their mother, the next twenty-one years from your bank account. You aren’t a man any longer, you’re a dad, a provider, a role model, an example and in a few years time an embarrassment to an adolescent and ultimately a burden to an adult.

The cost of raising a child is absurd. Middle class America is a society of child worship where Tucker’s and Tiffany’s every wish must be granted by you, regardless of the financial strain. Even if you aren’t middle class you’ll be busting your ass twice as hard so your kid never finds out. You’ll be more than willing to pay through the nose so your child never feels left out and has fantastic self-esteem.

Imagine for a second that all the cash you spent on: diapers, nannies, pre-school, clothes they quickly grow out of, food, video games, the 5 bedroom house, karate, ballet, baseball, summer camp, designer crap the other kids have, $150 sneakers, private school, college and all the other things you couldn’t bring yourself to say “NO” to and either invested it or spent it on yourself and the woman that would have bore your child. The USDA estimates that it costs $169,140 to raise a child up until the age of 17, but that’s just average, figure 200K for your special little snowflake. You’d have enough to retire on even if you didn’t know any better and went with plain old savings account interest.

You could spend the weekend in St. Bart’s rather than the Magic Kingdom and eat sushi in Tokyo rather than Epcot Center. Without children you can enjoy your own life, not just living vicariously through the mediocre accomplishments of your progeny. Money can’t buy you love, but who’s to say your child won’t just put you in a home after all you shelled out.

Ask any man in his 50’s with grown children if he would do it all over again, and then ask him to tell you the truth. It’s always “whatever you do, don’t have kids.”