Hot Tips From The Man: How To Get Away With It

A good friend of mine spent a few years working as a cop in the NYC metro area. While being one of the truly decent guys to have done time on the force, he’s also a total mensch in day to day life. He recently offered up the following practical tips to the common citizen on how to interact positively with the boys in blue whenever you must deal with them.

And now, Eddie McNamara, former cop and present-day writer, tells us how it is:

• 90% of all enforcement (arrests, tickets, etc) is done by 10% of the force. Those are the tools you see on the TV shows with the Marine cut and the grandiose sense of self importance who are out to save the world. That gives you a 9/10 chance that if you have an encounter with the police it will be with someone who just wants to get through their day with the least amount of hassle. Act like a human being and you might leave with a smile instead of in cuffs.

Lots more after the jump.

• Car Stops: If it’s raining, snowing or freezing, you have a lot more leeway than on most any other day. Nobody in their right mind wants to get out of their car to write a ticket for some minor moving violation (unless it’s late into their tour on the last day of the month and they haven’t handed any tickets in.) If you get pulled over, take a deep breath and say to yourself “I am not going to act like a dick,” and abide by that for a few minutes. Refrain from sucking on your teeth, saying something like “you only pulled me over because I’m ______,” “Don’t you have anything better to do?”, “I pay your salary,” or “I know the law.” Instead talk to the cop like s/he is a human being; if you missed a sign or some bullshit like that just say “I’m really sorry about that,” or “I didn’t realize…” Keep your tone friendly and conversational. If you are likable or have big tits you’ll probably get off with a warning.

• Cops deal with the finest fuckups our society has to offer. After a while the mentality of “everyone is an asshole” begins to take form; constantly meeting people on their worst day tends to do that to you. Grown adults revert to childlike behavior regularly and want you to make all their problems go away, that blows.

• Make friends with a cop or be related to one—get a PBA card, [Patrolman's Benevolent Association - AC] unless you or the cop involved is the biggest dick that ever lived, cops will not write up other cop’s family members (if you are just a friend, you have been promoted to cousin.) If you do get a ticket for something minor like a moving violation or an open container (this doesn’t work for things like rape and murder), after you presented the PBA card, union delegates will get involved and the dick who wrote the ticket will be treated like the fat smelly kid in school by his peers. Be discreet when throwing around your cop friend’s name, don’t come off like an asshole that thinks you are getting over.

• Always have ID on you. You can be arrested for any minor infraction that would normally be resolved with a ticket if you don’t have ID.

• One small bag of weed on your person will get you a C summons and a court date where you will pay a $100 fine.

• Don’t bring stupid shit to the airport. You have a chance of getting away with drugs, but if you are caught you will be given no breaks. Weapons and the airport don’t mix, it’s amazing how stupid people are and can’t get this through their heads.

[MySpace blogs are usually bottom feeder bullshit, but Eddie's is the exception to the rule. Any man with a stout heart for hard truth and an appreciation for obscenely funny life observations is heartily encouraged to subscribe to The Art Of The Mindless, where Eddie posts with pleasing regularity. - AC]