Ask Dethroner: Eyebrow Maintenance

Dave wrote:

Hey dude,

How about some words of wisdom on eye-brow maintenance?
Some ideas:
- How to pluck, how often, technique, where etc (beyond simply killing the unibrow
- Non-plucking techniques (e.g. trimming) pros and cons
- styles, where to get it done, how to do it yourself, how far to go, less is more, too little and you look like grandpa etc etc.

With the Awards season being in full swing, the face of Martin Scorsese (pictured) has been in mine on a regular basis. That little dude has the eyebrows of a man three times his size and they always, always freak me out. I consider the attention to detail in his 1993 opus, “The Age Of Innocence” and I wish that he’d pay just a fraction of that attention to some very basic grooming techniques. Actually, he’s a pretty decently groomed guy in other respects, but those hairy caterpillars on his face just give me the shudders. Sure, they do give him a very distinguished look, but come on.

A brief look back through his career’s production stills will reveal that he was not always so endowed; he was a bit of a long hair back during Mean Streets’ days, but his eyebrows weren’t that nuts at all. Just goes to show…as we age, bad things happen.

My practical advice follows the jump.

First off, it’s worth appreciating that as men, we are not meant to look exceptionally refined. Men who overgroom look weird or fey (consider the source—I’m a little bit weird and fey), but I do know my limits. There is a very comfortable place between looking like Peter Jackson and looking like Michael Jackson that requires very little effort on the man’s part.

One of the simplest, most efficient, and expeditious ways to deal with the overhanging eyebrow situation is with a beard trimmer. To an extent it doesn’t matter how thick your eyebrows are, how densely they grow, or the pattern; the issue is with length. At some point there will be some wild hairs that simply don’t care to just lie there at a uniform length with the rest of the team. They’ll grow to unheard of lengths and stick straight up if you let them. Your beard trimmer is the perfect tool for keeping the little bastards at bay. Simply set the trimming height at the second or third setting and run it flat against the grain a few times. No more than twice a month should do the trick for most of us. Be careful not to zip off your eyelashes, though.

If you want to take it up a notch and bring out your eyes (many women actually like it when a man’s eyes are not hidden by inch high eyebrows), there is always the option of waxing them into shape. It costs less than ten bucks and it only hurts for a second. Modern men are doing it all the time in the big city, it’s no big deal so get over feeling sissy about it. You can stipulate that you just want it a little cleaned-up, they’ll know not to make you look like Marlene Dietrich.

As for the unibrow spot? For me, I will actually use my face razor to zip it clean. It’s a snap. If you like having extra tools around, though, there are some available from the neighborhood beauty supply store, just look for the things that look like this. They sell them in packs, or individually for around a buck.