HOWTO: Clean a Rock Lobster

While the Maine lobster is the most traditional romantic meal, rock lobster are a pretty good replacement. These giant crayfish don’t have the giant claws of Maine lobster, but their tail makes for pretty good eatin’, especially if you dive down and catch them yourself.

But how to prepare them dockside for cooking? It’s a surprisingly easy process, especially if you disregard any misguided—if natural—worry about any pain you might be causing these giant bugs of the sea. (Don’t worry: It’s very unlikely lobster experience pain. And even if they do, well, they’re delicious.)

Warning: After the jump you’ll be privy to a series of pictures that involve a crustacean being ripped apart. If you’re squeamish or work at a lobster rights coalition, please avoid.

Step 1: Catch a mess of rock lobster…

Step 2: Don gloves. These little bastards are also known as “spiny lobster” for a reason.

Step 3:: Select a victim.

Step 4: Give a last opportunity to speak the promise of wishes with the tongue of man.

Step 5: Hold firmly with two hands in anticipation of last throes. Tilt to display the flesh that is your aim.

Step 6: Twist. Rend. Marvel at bisected body, both halves flailing to escape.

Step 7: Inspect carapace cavity for sea centipedes.

Step 8: Fashion a tool from a length of antenna, about four inches long.

Step 9: Spread anal flaps. Insert tool approximately one inch, barbs down, and twist.

Step 10: Remove tool and entrapped “vein.”

Step 11: Reflect that “vein” looks a lot like an intestine full of shit. Question eating cheap frozen shrimp in the future.

Step 12: Assemble carcasses for yearbook photo. Class of ‘06. 2cool 2b 4gotten.

Step 13: Gaze at meals future.

Step 14: Hose gore.