Should I Wear Vests?

Vests are frightening. I'm always suspicious of any new bit of clothing that appears at stores fully-formed, as if they've always been a part of our wardrobes and I just didn’t notice. Brashly presented by a cabal of confidence insurgents just when I’m getting a hang of my own style again, vests are all over the place: On TV actors, on mannequins, and even, occasionally, on real people on the street. What’s a man to do?

Do you own a bongo drum? You do not need our help; You already have and enjoy several vests. Far be it from me to discourage their wear.

Are you everybody else? Ack!

The problem with vests are two-fold: They are a superfluous bit of clothing, wholly unnecessary when a man is wearing a shirt; In this modern age, wearing anything superfluous can imply an preoccupation with appearance, leading other men to judge you fey or weird or a threat to the integrity of their buried, aching thirst for cock. Also, vests—unlike most secondary layers—are a really bad choice for men with guts, because vests look best when tight.

So what to do? If you’re wanting to pick up one of those puffy, sportsmen-inspired vests, I think you’re as safe as you ever were. As for these tight, gypsy-prince-with-pocket-watch numbers, I’d say hang back and let’s see if it gets any long-term traction. Even if it does, if you’re not skinny or an old man on whom every busting seam is charming, you’re probably going to want to choose wisely.

The exception is sweater vests, or cardigans. I don’t know why, exactly, but a slightly portly man can pull off a cardigan perhaps even better than a thin man. Perhaps the curve of his belly distorts the plaid into a light-bending illusion.

Our take: Avoid, for now.

Pictured, from left to right: Banana Republic’s Heritage suiting vest, Men’s Black Leather Vest by USA Leather, Juicy Couture Reversibile Fur-Lined Hoody. We are not suggesting you buy any of these. Especially the last one.