Dethroner’s Bitchin’ Kitchen: Bacon Snack Bars

How was last night’s Beer School Homework? If for some awful reason you had a hard time working up a thirst, let this recipe for ‘Bacon Snack Bars’ juice up your glands and cast a long shadow over your heart.

This recipe is the sort of marketing-driven culinary travesty that attempts to cram as many packaged food options into a single slithering snack slug, yet we remain…curious. There is clearly merit in the idea of a Bacon Snack Bar, but we have a hard time suspecting that the successful variant will involve any TANG Orange Flavor Drink Mix as a binder or otherwise. (Although, TANG by itself is delicious, an astronaut-inspired Metamucil for children.)

Here are the recipe’s ingredients, sans instructions, which are more or less “Heat, Mix, and Press.”

1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup light corn syrup
1/2 cup peanut butter
1 pkg. (2.8 oz.) OSCAR MAYER Real Bacon Recipe Pieces
4 tsp. TANG Orange Flavor Drink Mix
3 cups POST HONEY BUNCHES OF OATS Cereal, any variety

Well that’s yer problem right there, up on line four. No matter how “Real” those Pieces are they’ll never match the flavor of a freshly-seared slice of bacon.

Let’s figure this out: How do we make the ultimate bacon snack bars? We’ll offer the first idea for critique: Can an intact slice of bacon, while visually appealing, withstand the needs of our bar or must we deign to cut it into pieces?

Bacon Snack Bars [Kraft Foods]