The Captain and the Criminals: Haircuts for the Balding

If Star Trek: The Next Generation had any lasting cultural impact, it was in reminding us that a bald man could still be a sex object. Seriously. I recall sometime around the second or third season when it became clear that Jonathan “Riker” Frakes wasn’t going to be able to contain his expanding gut; after sheepishly mentioning you were watching the show, the most common refrain was women noting how hot Picard was “even though he’s bald.” Somewhere in the ’70s and ’80s the lessons learned from Yul Brenner were lost, only to be rediscovered by a middle-aged starship captain (who was voted “Sexiest Man on Television” by TV Guide in ‘92.)

Here’s the lesson, baldies: Cut it short. Patrick Stewart doesn’t actually go completely bald, leaving a haze of white on the side—that’s a good place to start. Your only other option is to go completely clean shaven.

That’s it. Those are your options.

But when is it time to go cue ball? A helpful chart featuring criminals after the jump.

Earl Woodruff here is close to success, but suffers from an all-too-common ailment of letting that island of hair on the top grow out long enough to be seen. Frankly, even if you decide to keep the sides long—and make no mistake, Earl’s sides are too long—at least take the time to shave Isla De La Rogaine down. All it does is draw attention to the top of your head.
 
 

James Crook commits two mistakes: growing out Hair Island and pulling the strands over the back, and growing his hair out at all. I can’t tell you how many guys I see with either receding hairlines or completely bald pates who are still trying to let their freak flag fly. Stop that immediately. If you’re bald, it’s time to go short—no exceptions.
 
 
 
 

See what I’m talking about here? Jeffrey Lane Jacobs thought he was playing it safe by wearing a hat all the time, but gets double-busted when he has to take his mug shot. (He is partially forgiven for wearing a hat in the Arizona sunshine, but immediately condemned for those ratty locks and poofy hedges on the side.)
 
 
 

Oh, Alejandro Gonzalez Lopez, you were so close. More sadly, it appears your hairline isn’t receding at all. Perhaps you were trying to hide out in a monastery?
 
 
 
 
 
 

Robert Chamberlain, you may have slathered an entire Motel 6 room in Vaseline to lubricate your cocaine-fueled orgy, but you did it properly shorn hair. The beard could use a little clean-up, but you know what? I’m not even worried about it—you obviously had a busy evening.

Images courtesy, in case you hadn’t yet clicked, Mugshots.com.