How to Make a Man Bond with You After Sex
3 Comments Published by Joel March 3rd, 2008 in Relationships. Share ThisThis one’s for the ladies, courtesy of oxytocin expert Susan Kuchinskas:
Because vasopressin, a neurochemical of attention and defense, also seems to be more involved in male mating, men are likely to feel more bonded if they’re already invested in the relationship in some way, if they need to defend the woman from danger or there’s just a lot of other kinds of excitement involved.The perfect date to get a man to bond during sex: The car gets stuck in the mud on the way to your bungie jumping. He gets it out, both of you bungie, she’s a little scared afterward. Just a little…
Men, keep this in mind the next time she invites you out for a little out-of-town bungie jumping.
And for the gays, I could speculate on your perfect date using some easy stereotypical punchlines and oh how we’d all laugh, but I’m more curious to know what the neurochemical bonding action is when you guys do the dew. A 2004 paper about heterosexual bonding briefly mentioned the same curiosity, but I can’t find any proper research on it.
TIPS FROM A MATCHMAKER [Hug the Monkey]
Joel, I’m honored — I love dethroner.
I have some thoughts on homosexual bonding, and there are studies to back them up.
There’s an old joke in the gay community: What does a lesbian bring on the second date? A U-Haul. What does a gay guy bring? A friend.
There’s some neurochemical truth to this joke. When two women have sex, the oxytocin surge can induce cuddling that lasts for days. Two male lovers, under the heavier influence of vasopressin, to say nothing of testosterone, may quickly feel ready to move on physically and emotionally after love-making.
In addition to the match in brain chemistry in same-sex couples, there’s evidence that one partner — gay or straight — can absorb the other’s sex and bonding chemicals; in a same-sex couple, this could heap on an extra helping of estrogen or testosterone.
Certainly, gay men and lesbian women love and bond the same way as straight people do. Their hypothalami produce the same exciting rushes of dopamine, and the same spurts of oxytocin and vasopressin. Sex creates the same association in the brain’s reward system between a sex partner and feeling great, inscribing a social memory that causes one person to prefer another.
In gay love, however, limbic resonance — that condition in which two people’s physiological states become attuned — may be, well, more resonant, because the lovers’ systems are more alike than those of a heterosexual pair.
So bungee jumping could be a great start — maybe even a better one — to a guy/guy date.
That’s fascinating, Susan! Thanks for taking the time to explain.
Best way to get me to bond with you after sex is to make me something to eat, then get dressed and leave. I’ll love you forever. Ok, for 20 minutes or so, but still…