My friend Jason and I were talking on IM this morning. Or rather, he was talking about BJ and the Bear and I was actually trying to work. But then he linked me to the intro on YouTube, which lead to another, and now this post. Actually, Mike Post.

See, Mike Post wrote a ton of the classic television theme songs. (Still does, I would imagine.) The Rockford Files? Mike Post wrote that. Magnum, P.I.? Post. A-Team? That’s him. Hill Street Blues? Motherfucking Mike Post.

The guy is bonafide musician, and back in the ’70s and ’80s they’d actually run the credits for a full minute before the show, giving someone plenty of time to play a theme, even go off into a little quiet coda for a moment, then pull out all the stops for a blaring, synthy finish. Today more often or not you don’t even get a proper theme song. Like Heroes or Lost. You know what their theme song is? Burrrrrreeeerrrrruuuunnnnnnnnnnnnssssssssssh. Dong.

(That’s not to say all modern shows have crap theme songs. The Wire’s is okay, if only because of the way they do a new one each season. Weeds changes up the artist performing the song each week! As grating and almost embarrassingly dated as it ended up feeling, The Sopranos theme was pretty good in its day.)

But that there is a theme song. Buh buh bam bam! Right from the beginning Mike Post grabs Magnum’s cock and just shoves it right in your ear. And then he does a great little mellow strings section to let you know that T.C. is going to watch.

Simon and Simon’s theme let you know that these brothers were going to solve that murder case, but they weren’t going to take themselves too seriously about it. I mean, you don’t get out of Viet Nam and think, Hey, I don’t want to hear any more saxiphone. No, you turn that saxiphone all the way up and you ravage a blonde on an exploding yacht. Life’s too short, bro!

This isn’t a Mike Post joint, but was written by Barry De Vorzon, who was no chump. He wrote Nadia’s theme, a.k.a. “The YOUNG and the RESTLESS” theme song. Look, my grandma watched it. I was more of a… actually, I’ll get to that in a minute.

(True fans will notice how I placed the Simon and Simon clip directly after the Magnum, P.I. clip just like CBS did. That’s because I’m not only a genius writer, but a graduate of the Sanford Brown Adult College for Learning Where TV Shows Go.)

What a lot of people don’t realize about the Falcon’s Crest theme is that emulates perfectly the gravitas and majesty that happens when any white person has an orgasm.

The Falcon’s Crest theme song was written by Bill Conti, another giant of the theme music gig. He also wrote the Cagney & Lacey theme. Well, the second, more famous one after what’s her name came on board. Sharon Gless. The blonde.

Oh screw it, it’s not like I ever update this site anyway, so let’s embed that one, too. The Cagney & Lacey theme is great.

Ah, the ’80s. When even Tyne Daly could be sort of hot.

Okay, so I can’t disagree that the Dallas theme is hugely iconic. And in fairness, it did do a good job of making the most dreary town in Texas look modern and epic. But it’s always just seemed a little rushed to me, like they wanted to get the feeling of one of those sprawling Hollywood western themes in there but couldn’t quite pull it off in a minute.

But—and I may be wrong on this—what Jerrold Immel’s theme did do was usher in the “big” themes of the ’80s. Dallas came out in ‘78, and I can’t recall any contemporary themes that were as brassy. Then again, I was zero, so relying on my memory alone is probably crap.

Oh god, what am I doing? There is so much actual work I should be doing instead of this.

Okay, so The Fall Guy theme is horrible. It’s nearly as bad as the B.J. and the Bear theme. The chorus isn’t bad, but Lee Majors can’t save the song from the embarrassing lyrics. I do sort of like the chorus, though.

It’s still better than Wilco.

Okay, there are literally hundreds of ’80s nostalgia sites out there, so I’ve got to go do something productive. But one more, just because it is a great example of something you definitely don’t see any more: an awesome outro theme.

It’s not on YouTube, but the ending credits of WKRP were always pretty rocking and they’re online. I always wanted that to be expanded into a full song.