I didn’t think anything could knock my confidence until I ended my marriage and started dating again in the new pornocrazy culture. It really does not help things at all to think your boyfriend can get off with you, but also a billion ‘virtual hotties’. It makes you feel redundant, really, even if he claims (and i do believe him) that sex with a partner you love is better. I’m sure I understand what he means. Sure, it’s better in that lovey-dovey kinda way. But let’s face it men are not like women. Romance novels and flowers don’t get them going, so it’s great that I can satsify the sentimental side of him that he can’t get through porno, but so what? Also great that I can help him out with the existential angsty loneliness we all face, but again so what? It feels like I am another outlet to fulfill a specific need and porn is an outlet to fill another need. I’m not getting the full amazing lust and passion part on his end that I could get if he didn’t have so many porn outlets to dampen his drive, nor am I getting the love part, because I simply don’t find it possible to feel loved by a man who can also feel the (virtual) love with her and her and her and her. I want the package, and I think Naomi makes the point that a lot of women are feeling these days and that is that the days for having that full package are gone.

I have gradually lost sexual interest in my boyfriend due to his past porn use and even though he claims he isn’t into it anymore I have my doubts. I don’t find it necessary to go through his stuff; he basically seems to have quit ‘for our relationship’ and I guess cause he felt it was an embarassing habit. I would rather have known he quit cause he got bored or something or because it didn’t nothing for him. He feels our relationship is more important, well obviously you’d have to be completely clueless to choose the porn over a functioning relationship I suppose, however, it really doesn’t make me feel much better about it. The idea that he at one time was perfectly able to substitute porn for pursuing real relationships as much, regardless of the cause is enough to really dampen my libido towards him and those men who can.

Whether or not porn effects YOUR thoughts or interactions with women, I can assure you that porn does affect your relationships with them…with your wives, girlfriends, and how your daughters will someday view themselves, though they’ll never tell you. Just being a friend to guys who look at it, I lose respect. Why? I don’t know. All I can say is, it creeps me out. And I am in the majority of women who think so. Because your significant others will never admit it to you, allow me: We hate you for looking at porn. We pretend we don’t, and we’ll even humor you by having sex that resembles it and telling you watching porn turns us on. But we hate it. We hate the way it makes us feel about ourselves. It makes us feel unappreciated, betrayed and dispensible. It makes us hate our bodies and degrades out sense of sexual value.

But a bunch of men slapping each other on the back for collectively supporting the idea that Naomi’s views on porn are irrelevant, false, or overdramatic sounds about right. Where are the women’s opinions? Ah, who gives a shit. Who needs women and their damn opinions anyway when you’ve got all that sweet, sweet porn. Have a good time jerking off for the rest of your lives, alone.

I have personally experienced being rejected in favor of porn-fueled masturbation. No, it’s not because I am unattractive, or even because I didn’t meet his beauty ideal, it’s because my boyfriend was confused and intimidated by a real woman who didn’t act like a porn star. It was easier for him to be aroused by looking at me naked than by interacting with me. He got over it, but it took time.

Ms. Wolf is not the only one who has written on this subject. The New York magazine also published a very good article by David Amsden (I don’t think that’s a woman) titled “Not Tonight, Honey. I’m Logging On.” It is a similar viewpoint, but a different perspective.
I’m all for masturbation, and even porn can be healthy, but it’s worth discussing the risks. Even if Ms. Wolf’s article isn’t perfect, it’s worth discussing, and even if you personally aren’t affected by porn, it doesn’t mean that no one is. To use a metaphor, just because not everyone is an alcoholic doesn’t mean that alcoholism is imaginary.

I also resent her premise that all men are unable to exercise judgment over what is real and what is just an idealized projection. If the same argument were applied to women (she’s a feminist so we’re talking about gender equality here right?), then any kind of romance novel that portrays “the perfect man” is destroying men’s chances with women? Ridiculous.

Your well written and well thought out posting is awesome. Keep up the good work!

HAWT.

I love how the only woman she can find with sexual confidence is an orthodox jew in Jerusalem wrapped head to toe. Sounds like a nifty sampling she did.

wrong!

what about what boys and men have been doing on their own for millenia? they manage to dissasociate that. Or as Woody Allen said, “Don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone i love”

can i be the first to say it?

someone clearly isn’t getting enough!

I have a mental picture of a jittery Naomi surreptitiously evaluating twat hair in a steamy locker room.