I’m Still Not Back, but Naomi Wolf Forced My Porn-Clawed Hand
24 Comments Published by Joel August 1st, 2007 in Sex. Share This“The Porn Myth,” an new ancient-by-internet-standards piece by Naomi Wolf in New York magazine, attempts to blame men’s consumption of pornography for “[turning] them off the real thing.” The article is a train wreck. I’m supposed to be sitting here lazily considering my actions for the upcoming months, but I am compelled to highlight her most ridiculous presumptions.
I’ll skip over the part where she checks Andrea Dworkin, the feminist thinker who posited that pornography would turn men into rapacious sex monsters.
For most of human history, erotic images have been reflections of, or celebrations of, or substitutes for, real naked women. For the first time in human history, the images’ power and allure have supplanted that of real naked women. Today, real naked women are just bad porn.
Wolf has obviously chosen not to acknowledge the amateur pornography revolution the internet facilitated, which, while full of girls who may not exactly be true amateurs, is still populated by girls that look approachable, blessedly imperfect, and happy.
Here is what young women tell me on college campuses when the subject comes up: They can’t compete, and they know it.
Oh, those poor college girls, unable to get fucked. If only they could unlock the mystery of the elusive college-aged male libido!
Being naked is not enough; you have to be buff, be tan with no tan lines, have the surgically hoisted breasts and the Brazilian bikini wax—just like porn stars. (In my gym, the 40-year-old women have adult pubic hair; the twentysomethings have all been trimmed and styled.)
Ah, the myth of the big muff. Let me give you a hint, Wolf: being naked is probably plenty, if you want a little action. Being naked, fit, and well-groomed is probably a little better.
But my pro-tip is this: Despite years of campaigning, I have not been allowed to cruise women’s locker rooms for snatch, picking my lovers out of a sopping line-up. Stop staring nervously at young cooter and go outside. That’s where the men are.
If your appetite is stimulated and fed by poor-quality material, it takes more junk to fill you up. People are not closer because of porn but further apart; people are not more turned on in their daily lives but less so.
Let’s bust this old chestnut that lots of porn makes you unable to appreciate a “real” woman. Even the most porn-soaked man, assured by his personal tastes in pornography that his ideal woman is an inflated silicone golem, turns to butter when confronted with attention from a soft, breathing woman. If a man refuses to sleep with a willing woman because she doesn’t look like his ideal, he’s at worst using that mythical ideal as a shield to protect his insecurities, at best making a choice of legitimate preference.
Pornography doesn’t deaden a man to real women. It deadens a man to more pornography. Masturbating to pornography in lieu of sex with a willing partner is a symptom of other personal travails, not the cause.
Mostly, when I ask about loneliness, a deep, sad silence descends on audiences of young men and young women alike. They know they are lonely together, even when conjoined, and that this imagery is a big part of that loneliness. What they don’t know is how to get out, how to find each other again erotically, face-to-face.
Oh, for fuck’s sake! Why is it that some feminist thinkers want to make casual, emotionally-null sex verboten, as if every orgasm must be preceded by hours of intimate, soul-wrenching passion? Of course sex with an emotional connection is great—better than!—a drive-by airlocking of genitals, but we’re not talking either/or experiences, here. Some of my most emotionally uplifting sexual experiences occurred in the midst of a particularly slutty time in my life. Having a one-night stand with someone doesn’t preclude my ability to have a deeper intersection with someone else later.
I will never forget a visit I made to Ilana, an old friend who had become an Orthodox Jew in Jerusalem. When I saw her again, she had abandoned her jeans and T-shirts for long skirts and a head scarf. I could not get over it. Ilana has waist-length, wild and curly golden-blonde hair. “Can’t I even see your hair?” I asked, trying to find my old friend in there. “No,” she demurred quietly. “Only my husband,” she said with a calm sexual confidence, “ever gets to see my hair.”
You’re right, Wolf: What we need is a return to fundamentalist attitudes to women’s sexuality. I mean, fine, whatever works for two consenting adults, but you want to address your claimed paucity of sexual experience for women by suggesting they become more demure?
Look, if you want to make a point that our visual society has created an environment that makes women (and men!) insecure about their bodies, then I’d be more apt to agree with you. (While also pointing out that we’re a nation of fat, unhealthy fuckers, so maybe some of our body image insecurities have a foothold in legitimate concern.) But I am comfortable testifying for the majority of men out there; we’re ready to rock you. If the crux is that Americans aren’t getting enough action, then I agree, but let’s not blame the wide world of pornography—comprised of a gaping cornucopia of body types and preferences of which I suspect you’re not really that familiar—for women not getting enough cock to suit them.
It’s strange that I have to explain this to a supposed feminist, but here’s what almost all men find attractive: a confident woman who enjoys sex—cervix with a smile. If the issue is that women aren’t getting laid enough, then I think we can find a mutually agreeable solution.
The Porn Myth [NYMag.com]
Update: My friend Matt linked me to this AP story about a survey of college-aged kids about their reasons for sex.
College-aged men and women agree on their top reasons for having sex – they were attracted to the person, they wanted to experience physical pleasure and “it feels good” … Expressing love and showing affection were in the top 10 for both men and women, but they did take a back seat to the clear No. 1: “I was attracted to the person.” … “None of the gender differences are all that great,” Meston said. “Men were more likely to be opportunistic towards having sex, so if sex were there and available they would jump on it, somewhat more so than women. Women were more likely to have sex because they felt they needed to please their partner.”
When someone becomes as defensive as the author of the blog post, it makes me think that there may be something to the argument that they’ve set themselves against…
You’re right, Salvadore: Disagreeing with someone must mean I actually agree with them.
“cervix with a smile” I couldn’t agree more. Someone should make a tee shirt out of that line. Great post Joel. Sexuality is so twisted and contorted in this Society it is hard to wade through all the faults and problems and deal with issues.
If that broad speaks for all feminists, I’m turning in my card. She’s an idiot.
Hear, hear!! Applauding and whistling and all that. Fantastic.
Great post, hard to beleave how out of touch some people can be, wolf has gone off the deep end.
This is exactly why Dethroner is fantastic, and Joel must continue writing this blog. Thanks!
I read this article this morning. Glad to know that I’m not the only one who takes exception to this chick’s insanity.
“Stop staring nervously at young cooter and go outside. That’s where the men are.”
I have a mental picture of a jittery Naomi surreptitiously evaluating twat hair in a steamy locker room.
While there are certainly societal negatives to the proliferation and easy-access to porn that the internet has created, they certainly ain’t any of the things this dipshit is talking about. I haven’t seen ANY girls ’round my way having trouble getting action. Things may have changed some, but ladies looking for dick aren’t having any trouble finding dudes to give it to them.
Wolf says “An orgasm is one of the biggest reinforcers imaginable. If you associate orgasm with your wife, a kiss, a scent, a body, that is what, over time, will turn you on.”
wrong!
what about what boys and men have been doing on their own for millenia? they manage to dissasociate that. Or as Woody Allen said, “Don’t knock masturbation; it’s sex with someone i love”
can i be the first to say it?
someone clearly isn’t getting enough!
“I have a mental picture of a jittery Naomi surreptitiously evaluating twat hair in a steamy locker room.”
HAWT.
I love how the only woman she can find with sexual confidence is an orthodox jew in Jerusalem wrapped head to toe. Sounds like a nifty sampling she did.
Again, another excellent post. Joel, thanks for doing the actual analysis and deconstruction of her article for me — you saved me some (semi) heavy lifting.
Your well written and well thought out posting is awesome. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for the post Joel. I wonder if Wolf would argue that all movies and theater is bad because they tend to portray unrealistic situations. From her article, it certainly seems like the analogy would hold: movies and plays turn us off to real life because real life isn’t as dramatic or as “interesting” as life portrayed.
I also resent her premise that all men are unable to exercise judgment over what is real and what is just an idealized projection. If the same argument were applied to women (she’s a feminist so we’re talking about gender equality here right?), then any kind of romance novel that portrays “the perfect man” is destroying men’s chances with women? Ridiculous.
Joel: you should be publishing books, not those sheep in Wolf’s clothing. Seriously, thanks for the splash of common sense on media-supported bullshit.
“If a man refuses to sleep with a willing woman because she doesn’t look like his ideal, he’s at worst using that mythical ideal as a shield to protect his insecurities, at best making a choice of legitimate preference.”……..either that or he’s been married for 20 years and is bored silly. In this and other common situations, a porn and masturbation preference is a very real possibility. It’s a man’s inborn need for sexual variety that really has the antiporn fem’s knickers in a knot.
While I agree that porn will not turn all men off women, I believe that Naomi Wolf makes some good points.
I have personally experienced being rejected in favor of porn-fueled masturbation. No, it’s not because I am unattractive, or even because I didn’t meet his beauty ideal, it’s because my boyfriend was confused and intimidated by a real woman who didn’t act like a porn star. It was easier for him to be aroused by looking at me naked than by interacting with me. He got over it, but it took time.
Ms. Wolf is not the only one who has written on this subject. The New York magazine also published a very good article by David Amsden (I don’t think that’s a woman) titled “Not Tonight, Honey. I’m Logging On.” It is a similar viewpoint, but a different perspective.
I’m all for masturbation, and even porn can be healthy, but it’s worth discussing the risks. Even if Ms. Wolf’s article isn’t perfect, it’s worth discussing, and even if you personally aren’t affected by porn, it doesn’t mean that no one is. To use a metaphor, just because not everyone is an alcoholic doesn’t mean that alcoholism is imaginary.
It’s not surprising to me that all of these postings opposing Naomi’s ideas about the negative effects of porn on relationships are all from men. I think you’re missing some really deep issues in this article completely. Did you catch on to the subtle undertones that this article was written by a woman? …An article with views that are overwhelmingly representative of most women’s views on porn? That’s something to pay attention to if you’d ever like to have a successful relationship, assuming you’re a man who looks at porn.
Whether or not porn effects YOUR thoughts or interactions with women, I can assure you that porn does affect your relationships with them…with your wives, girlfriends, and how your daughters will someday view themselves, though they’ll never tell you. Just being a friend to guys who look at it, I lose respect. Why? I don’t know. All I can say is, it creeps me out. And I am in the majority of women who think so. Because your significant others will never admit it to you, allow me: We hate you for looking at porn. We pretend we don’t, and we’ll even humor you by having sex that resembles it and telling you watching porn turns us on. But we hate it. We hate the way it makes us feel about ourselves. It makes us feel unappreciated, betrayed and dispensible. It makes us hate our bodies and degrades out sense of sexual value.
But a bunch of men slapping each other on the back for collectively supporting the idea that Naomi’s views on porn are irrelevant, false, or overdramatic sounds about right. Where are the women’s opinions? Ah, who gives a shit. Who needs women and their damn opinions anyway when you’ve got all that sweet, sweet porn. Have a good time jerking off for the rest of your lives, alone.
PS–I really hope you guys are actually interested in learning about the ways porn REALLY does hurt people, but I suspect not. Prove me wrong and check out oneangrygirl.net. There is even a section by MEN who are actually educated about this topic…men who don’t just use bullshit annecdotal stories to support their ideas that porn isn’t dangerous…men who don’t sit around laughing with other uneducated men about “college girls are whores” and yadda yadda. (So smart and origianl, by the way). However, if you want to stay grossly uneducated about this topic, and sound like a complete moron–not to mention turn women everywhere off from you–then by all means, keep up with it! Your ramblings are very amusing for me anyway.
wow sarah! you really ARE an angry woman! just b/c you and naomi wolf hate porn does not in any way represent all women’s view of porn. by golly, I AM a woman, I like porn and have watched it WITH several boyfriends. I didn’t end up hating my body and my boyfriends didn’t stop having sex with me b/c I don’t look or act like a porn star. you are certainly entitled to have an opposing opinion, I just don’t think that calling the people creating and posting on this blog morons is necessary. Thank you Joel for this and every article that you write!
I have to agree with Sarah here. We usually just let it go unless it’s interfering, but the loss of respect lingers and has dramatic after-effects. Not to mention it just somehow makes the sex that much less good – on both sides. It makes the man that much less of a good lover for having learned most of his sexual interaction skills by watching porno and it makes women that much less confident.
I didn’t think anything could knock my confidence until I ended my marriage and started dating again in the new pornocrazy culture. It really does not help things at all to think your boyfriend can get off with you, but also a billion ‘virtual hotties’. It makes you feel redundant, really, even if he claims (and i do believe him) that sex with a partner you love is better. I’m sure I understand what he means. Sure, it’s better in that lovey-dovey kinda way. But let’s face it men are not like women. Romance novels and flowers don’t get them going, so it’s great that I can satsify the sentimental side of him that he can’t get through porno, but so what? Also great that I can help him out with the existential angsty loneliness we all face, but again so what? It feels like I am another outlet to fulfill a specific need and porn is an outlet to fill another need. I’m not getting the full amazing lust and passion part on his end that I could get if he didn’t have so many porn outlets to dampen his drive, nor am I getting the love part, because I simply don’t find it possible to feel loved by a man who can also feel the (virtual) love with her and her and her and her. I want the package, and I think Naomi makes the point that a lot of women are feeling these days and that is that the days for having that full package are gone.
I have gradually lost sexual interest in my boyfriend due to his past porn use and even though he claims he isn’t into it anymore I have my doubts. I don’t find it necessary to go through his stuff; he basically seems to have quit ‘for our relationship’ and I guess cause he felt it was an embarassing habit. I would rather have known he quit cause he got bored or something or because it didn’t nothing for him. He feels our relationship is more important, well obviously you’d have to be completely clueless to choose the porn over a functioning relationship I suppose, however, it really doesn’t make me feel much better about it. The idea that he at one time was perfectly able to substitute porn for pursuing real relationships as much, regardless of the cause is enough to really dampen my libido towards him and those men who can.
You want to know what really turns men off of real women? This obnoxious and ridiculous tendency that some women have to be jealous of our porn stashes! Women are not in competition with their boyfriends’ porn for the simple reason that men can’t hide the salami in an internet video clip — it’s a totally different experience. The problem here is that far too many women still don’t understand male sexuality. Men need sexual variety in some way, either through fantasy or through reality. Porn helps us quench this desire without having to commit adultery. We can satisfy our lusts with porn and then live out happy, emotionally close and fulfilling relationships with our mates.
I’m sorry if this offends some of you, but having sex with the same woman for years and years on end causes most men to become very, very bored. It’s not your fault, it’s just how we are.
One possible solution to this would be to have open relationships (you like this better than porn??). Another would be to have frequent adulterous affairs behind your backs (appealing?). You have to understand that we have very strong sex drives that are primarily visually based. A pair of tits and an oiled bubble butt will get us off just fine, we don’t need any emotional intimacy like so many of you do. When we jack off to the curvy porn queen, we’re not connecting with her emotionally, therefore she’s absolutely no threat to you, believe it or not. Some women need to grow up and face biological reality and stop blaming men for being men. We’re not like you, we never will be. If you can’t handle that, go lesbo. Don’t forget to post the pictures, though, and be sure to email me the url.
Asking most men today if there’s something wrong with porn is like asking a closet alcoholic if they have a drinking problem. You know what the answer is likely to be.
Me, i’ve used porn in moderation (but too much), as my partner is often not around (she works away), and i am a libidinous bugger (though not bugger-er). I still think at forty-something she is the sexiest thing on earth, and when she’s around, porn is not of interest at all.
Occasionally i can get off to porn without feeling any remorse. Mostly, i feel somewhat diminished, pathetic, ashamed. Embarrassed. Not devastatignly nor overwhelmingly so, but the feelings are there, almost instinctual. My instincts, then, suggest to me that porn is not good for me. I also know that i am not unique in any outstanding way as a human being, and that it is therefore probably bad for you, too. I should exorcise it completely from my life, and perhaps I will.
Wow, the anti-porn women here are really angry. By the same type of logic men should be angry at books/movies like Twilight, which presents an image of men that no real guy is gonna live up to. And no doubt women are reading this book in lieu if actual real life relationships.
I would suggest that it’s unrealistic to expect a healthy testosterone fueled male to not be interested in looking hot chics. Even outside of porn men are going to admire supeficial things like a well built figure. It was ever thus. Don’t blame the digital images.