I spent a number of years working for a small indie label that was surprisingly well-funded. This morning, a friend asked me if I had any pearls of wisdom to pass on from that experience for a friend of hers that she really believes in, who has sacrificed a lot, both personally and professionally, to pursue his rock and roll dreams. I had meant to write this kind of thing down anyway, and this was the perfect impetus to sit down and hammer out the following.

Well here’s the thing. I don’t have a lot of contacts anymore in the biz, it’s such a sick and stupid industry because it’s all about the money and not about the art or the love, not at all. The corporations chew artists up and leave them with nothing. It’s fucked. The Majors are a leviathan that must be sunk, and god willing, free file sharing thing will do them in when the dust clears.

The only way I can see to do it in today’s market is to get with an indie label that knows their business and is doing it for the ‘right’ reasons - that means for love, not cash. People who want to help make something happen for its own sake, not just to sell some fucking product. Even hard core free music downloaders like me still pony up to support indie bands that we love, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

That said…my ten point guide to making a go at becoming a rock star follows after the jump.

1. Put together a smart press kit.

Seriously, it needs to be tight, with the expenses in the right places..but what does that mean? Well, good printing of the right glossy for one thing; people like pretty pictures and the sticker on the folder should be unique and iconic. Scrimp on the folder, it doesn’t need to be shiny hard plastic. Put your funds where it counts.

The disc needs to be in a JEWEL CASE, not a sleeve. Never a sleeve. They take the discs out of your mail and stack ‘em on their desks. They need to be able to quickly identify your submission by the name on the spine. Every radio man will attest to this.

The CDs themselves need to be of quality and that also means that the image on the disc can’t be a sticker, it’s gotta be printed on the disc itself or you’ll look seriously low rent and amateur hour. Then, of course, there is the quality of the music…this is where the real production value is paramount, even if you’re going with that authentic shitty garage sound.

The deets: you’ll need a concise band bio page, a tour page, a few worthwhile press clips, and if you have a new release out you need a page detailing that as well. (A brief summary of the people involved and what else they’ve worked on, the album concept, and one or two sentences about each track.)

Bear in mind that nobody is going to read ever line and search every detail of this PK with a fine-tooth comb; the people you’ll be sending these things too receive hundreds of submissions every week. With this info, you get in, get it on, and get out quick. Make sure the contact info is very clear - names, phone numbers, email, website*, management, label, and publishing info.

* = your actual band website, IN ADDITION TO your MySpace page. That said, it’s amazing how much respect is given to the MySpace thing, it really is the industry standard these days. Videos, music, pictures, bio, it’s all there, quickly accessed. Industry folks love ‘em, they all have MySpace bookmarked right up top. Still, it’s good to have a smart website (screw that flash-heavy shit, go for simple frames and the like, it’s about fast loading stuff; always be thinking about the dial-up demograph).

Then comes the crucial part - once you have all the PKs assembled and ready, they need to be shipped to the right people on the right schedule…and that gets expensive fast. USPS runs around 4.60 per average weighted press kit at the priority class; on any given promotion you’ll want to send about 1000 pieces of PK around. You can buy a decent used car for that kind of money, so make sure it’s done right!

2. Buy The Indie Bible

The ultimate tome of knowledge lists tons of industry contacts, magazine publishers, radio peeps, conventions, contests, etc. If you have a copy, great; if not, get one. Stay up to date, this thing is constantly obsolete, almost by the time it goes to print. Comes out every year. Your copy should be dirty and dog-eared with notes in the margins and marked all to hell by the time next year’s comes to print.

3. Put together an excellent EPK, and open an account on Sonicbids.

It’s also becoming damned near the industry standard for quick and easy submission to any number of festivals, concerts, conventions, and the like. Through Sonicbids you can send out your EPK to people’s email, in addition to whatever else you’re doing to self-promote. Submitting to comp discs is bullshit, forget it. Submitting to awards is not, but be careful and research any award you’re interested in; any dick in Detroit can create a bogus contest and make a heap of money off of earnest, unsuspecting songwriters. Make sure the contest is legit, respected, and going to promote you when you place. Make sure the bragging rights will sound good.

4. Play as many festivals as you can, and universities if at all possible.

You’ll have the opportunity to perform for other band’s fans in a captive environment, and the money is way better than club dates, plus they promote like hell. The college circuit is a big cash cow. Be willing to play them for free if they’ll cover travel and lodging; you can always make some extra cash at the event selling discs and merch.

5. Get talked about. Get talked about more.

There is no such thing as bad press. I mean, who the hell is Pete Doughtry anyway - has anyone ever even listened to The Libertines? No, but *everyone* knows that he has had serious drug problems, gets in fights constantly, and fucks that skinny bitch when she’s not pissed at him. His PR machine is invincible, you gotta give him cred for that. If he ever cleaned up and got his band white smoking hot, his tour would sell out the Garden.

SO: Get involved in a scandal. Fuck someone famous and leak it through respectable sources. Get involved in local activism - not a bad idea anyway; if they ever do a fund raiser you will have the op to play for it, and that’s just more exposure. Make nice-nice with local DJs, club owners, podcasters, music writers, high profile bloggers, anyone with money, decibels, or pull. Endear yourself to hot chicks with social finesse and savior-faire. Go out and be seen all the time. Always be smiling, or at least pouting attractively (see Nick Rhodes). Rub shoulders with fans, rub elbows with important people. (Treat everyone like important people!) Build your rolodex up, never lose anyone’s number, and do your god damnedest to remember everyone’s names. Call the press every time you’re playing out, make sure the local papers and magazines are alerted at least three weeks in advance, and be willing to meet with someone for interviews, or at least call them to field some questions.

And NEVER EVER TALK SHIT ABOUT ANYONE. EVER. You’ll meet the same people on the way up as you do on the way down, and it’s paramount to be on good terms with them every step of the way.

6. Ya gotta have a gimmick.

Ask yourself these questions: would you buy a $15 dollar ticket to see your band? Would you load those songs into your iPod? If you were a 17 year old, would you tell your friends that this band is the hot new shit and they need to check ‘em out?

No matter how original and dynamic your look and sound might seem from the inside, what is it that is so special about you that four hundred other bands don’t already bring to the stage or the stereo? Are you that good at what you do that, even if it’s just straight up rock and roll, your talents are undeniable? Or is your sound a whole new twist on the same old song? Do you have unparalleled chops, or a unique approach to your style? Do you dress like a rock star 24/7, even when you go to bed? Are you, simply put, sex on wheels, attracting lusty fans of either gender? Maybe your sound is okay, but on stage it’s the stuff of myth and legend, and the notoriety that your live act engenders will fill the venue every time?

Shock rock, cock rock, glam rock, dope rock, shit rock, whatever; any band that has “it” has something that stands them apart from the crowd. If it isn’t original, at least it’s intense, amusing, artful, exciting, sexy as all hell, intelligent, or just magnificently well-presented. (But it’d be nice if it is original.) Identify that about yourself and exploit the living hell out of it. The more personal you make something, the more universal it becomes, and if it doesn’t scare you at least a little bit, it isn’t worth doing.

7. Expect nothing, but appreciate what you do every step of the way.

The road to disappointment and bitterness is paved with unrealistic expectations. Real rock stars, in my book anyway, are doing it just to do it, not for anything that comes from it. Be a musician and performer first and foremost, and be happy if and when anyone resonates to your sound.

There’s so much music out there it’s not even funny. The competition is fierce and there’s always a dozen other local bands just like you who are willing to play for less money, bring more fans to the gig, are less of a pain in the ass to deal with, act more grateful for the meager scraps of attention they receive. It’s a mercenary job, and it’s a lotta heartache.

The only thing you can safely expect from this art is the passion that you infuse into your work. That’s it. And that’s gotta be enough to sustain you while you paint houses, wait tables, pour drinks, write code, or whatever it is you do to eat until you are rolling along well enough to quit your job.

Foster respect within the community for being a great dude with a positive attitude; be willing to give respect to even your no-talent peers; work your guts out and never be a prima donna; stay skinny, stay hungry, and generate a strong street team base who will paper the neighborhood for you two weeks in advance of your local gig in return for some attention, a sense of involvement in your thing, and a couple of plus one comps.

Diversify - star in indie films, paint, write, tag, whatever…just create constantly. The cult of personality is a never-satisfied whore, and she’ll take anything you give her. Plus you meet more people that way, and it’s all about networking, like anything else. Speaking of, make sure you attend the work of other artists as well; like any other community, the music scene survives upon mutual support.

Always remember to have fun with every piddling part of the process, because you’ll spend a lot more time laying the groundwork than you’ll ever spend actually being on stage and doing it like your wankingest dreams. It’s really all about appreciating what you have in hand, and who you are because of that. It’s the journey, not the goal that matters. If you have a single fan you’re already ‘there’. Can you dig that? You’re already a rock star, y’know? Be it.

8. Stay the fuck away from meth, cocaine and opiates, and keep the booze in check.

Nothing says ‘loser’ like a pathetic would-be rock star that gets an addiction well before he makes it big. After that point, it’s still a bad idea, but at least you can turn a trip to rehab into a press engagement, though damn is that boring at this point. Yes, of course it’s all about sex, drugs, and rock and roll, but don’t become a casualty of any of them.

You know what Jagger does every night after a show? He runs stairs for an hour. Try that with lines up your nose and see if you make it to your sixties.

9. Get really good in a related field, like playing your instrument.

Ever notice how many new artists are being produced, engineered, hyped, managed, etc. with former/current musicians? It’s because the industry sucks balls and it’s hard as hell to make it as an act; they need the leg-up from someone outside of their core group who has talent for sale. You gotta have skills to tap into revenue streams in other areas. If for no other reason than that it’ll give you something marketable to slide into when you quit the stage for good. There’s a ton of money in studio work, if you have the skills to do it. Producers make fat cash that you can then channel into your own art or the next act’s. Become the man to call when band X needs to rework an arrangement on a new track. Become a name hired gun to produce the hot new act’s album. Plus the better you are at anything like this, the more you’ll bring to your own work, yes?

10. The Biggie.

Success in the music industry requires, almost above anything else, MONEY. Money money money, you gotta spend a lotta money. From fliers, to recording and mastering, to rehearsal space, to equipment, to the clothes you wear, to the social climbing event bullshit that you *must* attend regularly, to the ad space you need to take out when you release a new disc, to the radio promoters that you have to pay to get played, to the travel expenses when going on tour…it’s hard, fucking expensive work. Money money money. It takes money to make money, and you have to have money for money to not be the primary issue, because then you become part of the god forsaken industry!