Normally I like to support the idea that women don’t poop. Sure, I know it’s a lie we tell ourselves, but it’s a good lie with a noble cause. Pooping is one of those nasty things that only men do because it’s in our DNA. Regardless, you can’t help but enjoy this table-leveling story published by the Poop Report. [poopreport.com]
Where every man is king.
uhhh yeah, all humans have to poop.
Oh yes they do! And leave large skid marks, the three woman that share our campus flat are no exception. Don’t smell to savory ether if you have the misfortune of needing to use the bathroom after one of them in particular has just taken a dump.
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Man:
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own,
regardless of any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to
get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by
your Girlfriend / Wife. Also wipe her pubic hair off the seat
with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may
have sat on the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6. Pull pants down and sit. Some Men may even prefer to squat
over the seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with
bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with
any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to
positively guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin
(about five or six applications per roll).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the
paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be
necessary to yell for your Girlfriend/Wife to find some more
rolls to pass through the door while promising not to open her
eyes or pass any comments. It is traditional to do this while
she is trying to watch the soaps.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air
freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your
Girlfriend/Wife and leave bathroom, closing the door firmly
behind you.
15 Easy Steps to Poo like a Woman:
1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag.
2. Tell everyone along the way, “Just going for a dump, okay?”
Always tell Boyfriend/Husband, especially when he has visitors.
3. lift skirt or dress Pull panty’s down around knees, then sit down.
4. Adjust Butt so it hangs comfortably without touching
the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result
of the first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a
real Woman.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to
your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any
irregularities to report to friends and Boyfriend/Husband, e.g.
colour, consistency, any visible traces of peanuts, etc. You
must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the
paper before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces
on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no
circumstances attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will
come away by itself. Or, when your boyfriend/Husband next uses
the loo.
13. Leave the seat down. Leave the reading material on the floor
(you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to
a Woman’s self-esteem that other people smell her produce.