As a member of the world’s most elite web design clan (our homepage is currently offline for re-fattening), I am eminently qualified to give—as we say in the web d-sign game—mad kudoz to “Sharper FX,” a company whose legacy seems to be the building of extraordinary web destinations for Christian groups with a bent for military overtures. Rather than attempting to explain these Tom Clancy-ish web experiences, turn your speakers way up and get ready to be assaulted by the blipping vectors of God’s Love.
How Sharper FX describes their work: “Classy; Powerful; Innovative; Cutting Edge; Quality; Affordable.”
New Birth Missionary Baptist Church’s web site has a fantastic purple intro, full of trembling hands outstretched to heaven and martial thumping drums, only to quickly segue into a incongruously touching choral hymn proclaiming “It’s a new day! It’s a new beginning!” It’s as if to say, “Pick up those swords, Christian soldiers, and beat them into smoove electric pianos.”
The International Congress of Churches & Ministers takes a more ominous throb with vaguely Roman overtones, like a God-fueled commercial for the U.S. Marine Corps. And what could a web visitor infer about the ICCM’s mission from the flame-spurting columns, glistening badges, and poly-ethnic slideshow of smartly-dressed believers? If you said “That the ICCM helps a church give unto Caesar?” then you’d be correct as fuck, as a disembodied voice explains that the ICCM really, really wants to help your church to figure out its taxes.
I’m not even a Christian nor a warmonger but after seeing the Evangel Cathedral’s website I am ready to tear our someone’s larynx while belting out songs from my own passion play, “If Jesus Were Eddie Van Halen My Heart Would Be Valerie Bertanelli.” And you have to respect Evangel Cathedral’s pioneering work in race relations: by simply listening to “Rock On,” the theme song that plays in the background while zany laugher-in-chief Bishop Don Meares introduces you to their “web presence,” a person can realize that in this progressive modern age, even black people can ruin rock and roll. Seriously, I want to do mushrooms with these guys.
But Sharper FX has done some work of which they’re so proud they keep it on their own web server. And frankly, they should be more than proud, as they have been anointed to create the finest bit of Flash animation ever to grace the liquid-crystal screen: the introduction and story of K&K Mime, the world’s most pioneering gospel mime duo. K&K Mime’s grim visages and outstretched gloves tell a tale too powerful for words, a story of two mimes who have spent a life on the street fighting Satan’s influence and the slings and arrows of a misunderstanding public. Get ready “to be catapulted to a new dimension in worship!”
14 Responses to “Onward, Christian Web Designers”
- 1 Pingback on Apr 17th, 2007 at 1:03 pm
K&K Mime may be the greatest website evah…the kudos belong to you for finding it.
On the K&K site, all I can think of is the typical Monster truck commercial announcer… “SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!!!! BE PREPARED TO WITNESS AWE INSPIRING ACTS OF METAL CRUSHING BRUTALITY!!! Kids under 2 get in free!”
As the old saw goes: The KING OF BEERS presents THE KING OF KINGS!
Wow, people still make Flash sites? :) how quaint… and this is coming from someone who did Flash professionally for 5 years :)
J.
… and BTW, these are the types of sites that gave Flash such a bad name years ago and steered everyone away from it :)
Thank God - K&K Mime are on YouTube.
Wow, I couldn’t help but hope Tom Cruise was going to be riding a motorcycle in that first baptist intro, that was pretty great
Bad ass. Wow. I think my favorite part is how the mime hands kept making boxes. Even in cyberspace, it was like the box was really there!!!
Totally speechless. Do these sites actually connect with their intended audiences?
Yeah, so having to put up with people from NewBirth was an interesting feat. That place is a cult and don’t let anyone fool you. And they’re totally farcical in alot of areas, and it’s more of a social networking area than a church. Like.. you gotta pony up your tax return to become a member so they can audit how much you’re ‘giving to god’.. Awesome stuff.
Hmph. Formulaic. Cookie cutter.
Welcome to 1998.
Holy cow those sites are spectacular! The strangest thing is that they all have the requisite “Skip Intro” button…as if!
“Totally speechless. Do these sites actually connect with their intended audiences?”
I think the real question here is who in the hell (ahem) is the intended audience? They’re MIMES! No one even likes mimes! And xtain mimes?! Creeeeeepy!