Anyone who was watching the promos for the (First Annual!) Food Network Awards knew they were a train waiting to wreck. It wasn’t clear from the promos who or what was actually going to be awarded, only that the “Food Network Stars” would be there in spades, including my beloved but increasingly unhealthy-looking Paula Deen. (I know she’s not a young lady and she’s sweet as can be, but all that butter is catching up with her.) But who cares about the stars? Were they going to just give awards to each other? Alton Brown for best bowling shirt? Giada DeLaurentis for most disproportionate grimace? Rachael Ray for most product endorsements?

Anthony Bourdain watched the Awards. (Hopefully high as hell.) He reports:

The production itself–above and beyond the witless, ill-considered, just-plain stupid “concept” of an Awards show where most of the “awards” went to inanimate objects (accepting the award for Best Comfort Food is…Macaroni and Cheese!!), appliances or cities (Portland’s mayor wisely did not bother to show),–the production values–were lower than whale shit. The food styling during the “Best New Appliance” looked like some kind of 1960’s themed monkey effluence, dying, soggy, butt-ugly. Perfectly appropriate to the Info-mercial From Hell theme of the presentation as a whole–but still shamefully crude for any “Food” network. The selection and photography of “beauty plates” from winning “Delicious Destination,. Portland, Oregon (in fact a terrific food destination) looked like somebody took a dump at McFunsters. Portland for fuck’s sake! They couldn’t find some good looking plates in fucking Portland!?

Sounds like we missed…nothing!

Bourdain also takes the opportunity to weigh in on the new show he’s dubbed “DINNER: SLIGHTLY DIFFICULT.” (”It’s ‘Knight Rider Meets Leonard’s Of Great Neck.’ Can four professional cooks make onion dip for 40– in time?!!!”

THE FABULOUS FOOD NETWORK AWARDS [Ruhlman]