Almost more than actually driving, I miss washing my car. When I lived in Kansas City and had no money, my friend Mike and I would often head to one of the local Big Bay car washes and spend a couple hours detailing our rides. I surely had the cleanest Honda Civic Si in the tri-state area.

For Mike, washing cars is therapy. Hell, he’d wash yours if it needed it. I asked him to explain his technique, honed as it has been through hundreds of washes. After the jump, his system for a “quick wash,” a sort of pick-me-up for a dirty ride, but something less than a full-blown clay-and-Q-tip makeover.

Mike explains:

Necessary Equipment

• Bucket – A bucket; that’s pretty much it. A 5-gallon painters bucket will work nicely, but you really don’t need that much. I have a 2.5-gallon pail I got at Lowes. It does its job perfectly.
• Soap – Meguiar’s in a pinch; Zaino is the best.
• Two wash mitts or sponge – The Meguiar’s mitt works really well. Just make sure they’ve been washed and dried to remove previous wash grime.
• Drying chamois – I prefer the “Absorber“-brand man-made stuff.
• More quarters than you’d expect to need.

I wash at an actual bay car wash ’cause, well, you just can’t get that sort of pressure and water temperature at home.

Stick in your quarters. If the car isn’t really dirty, then hit it with just the water spray. Low bullshit. If your car is filthy or you have bug splatter, etc., then you may want to use the pressure soap, though I have never really been fond of the soaps they use in these sorts of washes and try to stay away from them. If your car is a filthy, filthy girl, you probably don’t give a piss about her in the first place. Use some industrial goop to make your upcoming scrubbing job easier.

After you’ve either rinsed or sudsed the car off, use the remainder of your time to fill the bucket that you’ve set aside with a tablespoon or two of car wash soap. Use the spot-free rinse on this portion as the water should be filtered to remove minerals. And also so you don’t make an ass out of yourself by pressure-washing suds all over your shoes.

Normally, car wash bay places have signs that say, “No hand washing.” Ignore these. After nearly 15 years of doing this, I have never been approached once about the “No hand wash” rule—other than every once in a while getting the evil eye. If by some change the attendant actually gets up the nuts to say something to you, you can rattle off some crap about how often you wash your car or how much money you spend there, or let them know their competitor said it was OK to do this at their wash. The jockey getting paid minimum wage to pick up bottles of Armor All and make change for you could probably give a crap if you take an extra 5 minutes in his bay. (Just make sure you’re not holding up other paying folks.)

Swirl your soapy mixture around in the bucket a bit and start hand washing your car. Start at the top or roof and work your way down. Do not use the mitt or sponge on the wheels at this time, concentrating instead on the glass and the paint of the car. Depending on the level of filthiness, you may want to make a couple passes. Once you’ve completed this part, you can move to the wheels, either with a different mitt or sponge. Do not use the same one that you used for your paint. Your wheels and tires are by far the dirtiest part of your vehicle. Your sponge or mitt will collect the road grime, brake dust, and filth from your wheels and it will be there for the next time you wash your car, no matter how well you clean it. If you wiped your ass with a couple squares of toilet paper, would you wait a week and then use it to blow your nose in? ([No, I would blow my nose with it immediately. - Ed.]

If you don’t have an extra sponge, you can consider using that brush on the wall to shine up your wheels and tires. This being the only time you should ever use that brush, unless you’re attacked in the car wash bay. It is then permitted to use it as a weapon.

Once you’ve completed your hand wash, spray it down with the spot-free until all soap suds are removed. Don’t use the “hot wax” or “Triple conditioner” or any of that other upsold crap. Hand wax your car, you lazy bum! These spray-on treatments will never do as good of a job.

Towel dry with a chamois or an Absorber. If you didn’t do a good enough job washing your car, your chamois will pick up the excess filth, scratching your paint as you dry it. The better your wax job, the more quickly your car will dry. Get it as dry as you can in the bay, then pull forward into other area, driving around long enough to force the water out of the body panel seams but not so long that you pick up more filth. Finish drying completely to prevent spots.