Yeah, I said it, I meant it: as usual, if it ain’t khaki and it ain’t black, the fashion lines for spring are a spurting geyser of colors so gay you might as well skip all the way to work. And the homos are right: men look really good in bold colors (yes, even in New York City).

However, like Momma said, “moderation in all things”; putting too much bright color together just seems like a bad idea; look what they did with the windows at two different American Apparel shops, above. Ouch, my eye just recoiled in its socket. Otherwise, I love the guilt-free idea of American made basics, sold at fair prices, by people being paid a reasonable wage.

That ideology is probably not practiced at any of the other manufacturers after the jump, but their clothes are a bit jazzier.

Here we have a bright triptich culled from Lounge, H&M, and Urban Outfitters. A lot of similar styles going on here, the brighter colored shirts layered under the more muted-toned outerwear, for one thing. There are subtle but important differences, one of which is financial: If you guessed that the Corey Feldman-esque ensemble on the left is overpriced and sold by crabby salespeople, you’re correct! Lounge is getting kinda known for that.

Over on the right, the return of the comfy spring-weight cardigan is made slightly edgier by being paired with a t-shirt that supports smoking among Arabs. Like everything from Urban Outfitters, it is topped off with a dopey hipster necklace that’s been ordered in bulk but designed for that bohemian look, so popular among college kids with no fucking creativity of their own. Good for the young stoner with intellectual illusions and bad facial hair scraps.

Sandwiched in the middle is a bouncy outfit from H&M, the paragon in affordable, acceptably trendy gear. Thing about their clothes is, everyone knows where you got that sharp pair of pants or that nifty tee shirt, but nobody faults you for wearing something so mass-produced because we’re all hip to the affordable cool that they offer. Show me one New Yorker between the ages of 20 and 40 who says he doesn’t own at least one item from that joint and I’ll show you a liar.

Belts have always been functional for keeping your pants above your ass, in spite of the pervasive trend among the hiphop set who still wears ‘em below the buttcheeks. (God how the hell do they keep ‘em from falling down, and how do they run from the po-po like that?) However, as evidenced by the likes of Brooklyn Industries (above) and Starting Line (below), belts are once again a way to throw fashion into function. A couple of years ago it was about white belts, then monochromatic nylon belts in a rainbow of flavors; today it’s about patterns and funky tooling. The one second from the left on top kind of challenges me to come up with a single individual who could pull it off other than Elton John, and only him because his fashion credibility has always been utterly bankrupt. Gaudy is rarely a good thing, unless you’re a drag queen or an untouchable icon.

Speaking of Starting Line, this ugly hat was in their window and I freaking hate it. One butt-ugly pattern plus a different butt-ugly pattern does not equal one rad cool wicked pattern, and double that count when you put ‘em together on a bad hat. What it does equal is the numbnut who wears it will win a mocking laugh from me when I pass him on the street. This one cries out to be paired with some really atrocious cheapo bling that some clueless knob of a 14 year old might find at the mall. And, of course, a sportjacket and some shorts.

Down on West Broadway we find Detour, purveyor of shit so sharp it cuts glass. I mean, look at this window dressing; they’re fashion stormtroopers, for hell’s sake. If you met these guys in a dark alleyway, they’re going to hold you down and cut your hair. All at once, you’ve got the manpurses, the stupid hats, the paramilitary jacket, the capri-length pants in the middle, pleated pants to the right, raised collars all around. All they’re missing is the vest and scarf thing, but that was a different window. Moderation, boys. Well, it’s not like they were going to stick basics in there to soften the blow, and the only real color assault is the one t-shirt.

This might be my least favorite window of the trip. Distinctly reminiscent of Richard Gere’s character from American Gigolo, these muted salmon and cement gray outfits never went down well with me, but apparently someone feels otherwise. What’s with that color anyway? It won’t commit to pink or orange, and it’s faded like it’s been sitting in the sun for three years. Joel’s right: If you’re approaching pink, go for it and don’t puss out.

Look at the epaulets on that thing, and hey, on the right another perfect example of the sportjacket over shorts thing. I’m telling you, it’s a stupid idea, it ruins the point of both items. You’re going to see far too much of this thing this spring; if you see one dude trying to work it, that’s too damned much. It was a bad idea that one summer they tried this in 1984, and it’s just as bad now. The folks at Atrium smoked papaya-flavored crack when they bought this line, I swear to god. Maybe they just hate us and want a good laugh. I find that a lot more plausible than the idea that someone who went to school to study fashions actually liked this look.

I’m starting to think maybe my issue with that light salmon color and the suit jacket and shorts thing is my own little hang up. Maybe I’m the one in the wrong. Maybe my grey streak is a sign of a brain tumor or something. Because hark!—a block or so up the street, Dolce and freakin’ Gabbana are doing the same damned thing.

Somehow, the salmon jacket isn’t so bad with some beat-up jeans and a hoodie and a Beatles mop crop of hair. But nothing, nothing, nothing, will redeem that stupid suit jacket and shorts thing, not even $250 Chucks-inspired designer sneakers in rubber and alligator.

Back in Chelsea, there’s a shop called “It” on 8th Avenue. With a name like that I gave up trying to find a web presence for them after five minutes, became a needle in haystack situation. Suffice it to say, it’s a typical silly little boutique, with tremendously overpriced clothes that few in their right minds would wear. I don’t really mind the jacket on the left, it’s kind of interesting, and I’m sure you could easily fit some Astroglide and a few condoms in that shoulder pocket without too much bulk or trouble. But the plaid pattern under the cuff finishing out that striped shirt? Man, I don’t know what to say, I might actually be out of touch on this score, but I really don’t get it. Plaids and stripes are a classic no-no. Would you wear it?

Leave it to the Italians to hit and miss like nobody else. Dominico Vacca, who has garnered some mighty impressive praise within the design world, is a smaller business. They’ll probably never go the route of the major houses with lines for mass production, and it’s just as well, they’d lose that which makes them so resplendent: beautifully tailored stuff for the discerning clotheshorse who has serious cash to burn. First ten million I make, I’m having these guys make all my suits. Do take a moment to consider their website, it’s really gorgeous stuff, and you’ll never look like a dork with a pocket square stuck in their jackets’ breast pockets. However, should you make the mistake of throwing a sweater over said jackets, something might be amiss with you. What gives with that? What a turd in the punchbowl.

Well, doesn’t this fetching little number from Universal Gear just say it all?

It does follow several themes popular in menswear for the past few seasons, and I’m not surprised to see that none of them have been played out yet: embroidery on tee shirts, deliberately misplaced and overlapping patterns that have nothing whatsoever to do with each other (but strangely complement one another by their association), short sleeved cuffs riding well above the bicep, and low-slung crew necks that almost finish in a V-neck but stop just short of the mark.

Well, that’s the end of men’s fashion week at Dethroner. These posts have taken up far to much of my time, but I think the effort was worth it to some extent; in the case that you’re updating your spring- and summerwear this year, you could save some effort trying to figure it out and just read what I’ve culled together for posterity. Of course, bear in mind that I reserve the right to be completely full of shit at any time, upon any given subject, so be judicious.

There are too many options available, most of them tragic (even the all-black junk I hoisted up the mast yesterday). It’s easy to get overwhelmed by the variety of styles and looks if you take this shit at all seriously—and for my part, it behooves you to; how we present ourselves to the world is a language, and what you “say” speaks more about you than a lot of men seem to realize. Treat your fashion like your hair: Get it right the first time, and then forget about it.

In closing I offer these tidbits:

• Steer clear of new trends at high prices. Odds are very good that your style will be passé by the end of the season, and the stuff of ridicule and disdain come next year.

• Mix and match accordingly, and only take chances if your credibility can cash those checks.

• Your grandfather probably dressed infinitely better when he was your age than 98% of anyone currently breathing. Try to find some old pictures and emulate his style; if it worked for him, you’ve got genetics at work saying that it’ll work for you.

• Don’t wear socks with your sandals. I can’t say it enough. Bad taste is only good bad taste when you know better and are doing it on purpose. It’s totally impossible to make that combo work under any circumstances, save wandering around the woods by yourself, and even then I bet that if you were Dr. Doolittle, you’d hear the birds making fun of you.

• Whatever worked for your age group exactly twenty AND thirty years ago has a thin but distinct chance of working for you today. Them’s the laws of fashion, apparently. Consider how sharp Robert Downy Jr.’s character looks in Zodiac. Almost anyone can pull that stuff off these days.

• Replace all of your underwear seasonally.