A Brief Guide to Public Restroom Etiquette
Published by Ryan March 13th, 2007 in Grooming. Share This
Public restrooms intimidate some men, turning them into vacuous sissies who, when confronted with an uncomfortable situation, make a beeline for the sinks and pretend they merely needed to wash their hands. Clue: you’re not fooling anybody. Other men are a little too comfortable, apparently confusing the public lavatory for a high school locker room, complete with back slaps, high-fives, and sometimes even comments about their manhood. In the interest of calling out these freaks and improving everyone’s experience, we offer this brief etiquette guide.
- The courtesy urinal. Don’t be shy at the urinal, but don’t be too aggressive. If possible, leave a courtesy urinal between yourself and the nearest fellow pisser. If this isn’t possible, either because there are less than three urinals or it’s too crowded, you have a choice: step up or stall out. Do not, however, use this as an excuse to simply blow your nose, or wash your hands and leave. Man up!
- Step right up. If you elect (or are forced) to go all Braveheart and whiz next to your fellow man, don’t make eye contact, don’t say anything to them, and certainly don’t do anything that will give them the impression that you’re trying to catch a glimpse of their John Thomas, especially if you are. Bonus points: if you’re lucky you’ll “step right up” next to the vacuous sissy described above and totally ice him, interrupting his flow and causing him to prematurely flush and leave the restroom in shame. This is one of the greatest moments of triumph a man can experience.
- Stalling out. If you elect to shuffle your way into a stall to do your business, you should not perform a pre-piss nose blow, as this comes off as a feeble attempt at justifying to those nearby why you chose the stall. On the other hand, if you’re forced to use a stall due to urinal scarcity, this does not apply.
- Trough trouble. All the previous rules assume standard one-man urinals. When it comes to the notorious piss trough (pictured) everything changes. Nothing is more shameful than a man’s inability to perform at the piss trough, yet it is a common malady, perhaps because it violates every ingrained rule of restroom etiquette: men standing so close they’re often touching, and, especially at packed sports events, talking to each other while they’re doing their business. This is perhaps the only time it is appropriate to act as though you’re in a high school locker room, so run with it. I’ve actually heard one (drunk) guy at the trough comment about another guy’s piece. Go crazy, there are no rules!
- Don’t fear farts. While engaged in urination, don’t be ashamed to squeeze one out in mixed company. If someone else is the guilty farter, it’s generally best to just ignore it and be silent, but if it makes a particularly entertaining sound or a nauseatingly foul odor, it is not always inappropriate to say something along the lines of, “damn dude!” Bonus points: receiving such a comment should be regarded as high praise.
- Here comes the fudge. Some guys are not at all intimidated by the need to Number One in public, but they seize up like an unoiled motor when it’s time to take a dump—I used to be one. To you men, I say, “no more!” Being able to shit freely in public restrooms is extremely liberating. Fear not the faceless man in the stall next to you; fear not that there be pissers at the urinals. They aren’t going to judge you just because nature called at this particular moment. Puff your chest and walk boldly to the stall, announcing to the world (by your actions) that you are going to do your business. However, once you’re actually engaged in the act, there are some guidelines. You can make all the noise you like with your ass, but do keep any porcine grunting to a minimum. Under no circumstances may you emit anything resembling groans of pleasure.
- Wash your hands! I don’t care if you just did a little tinkle, or dropped a load like you’ve never dropped before, wash your hands. Yes, with soap, you sick fuck! It can’t be said enough! Do it!
19 Responses to “A Brief Guide to Public Restroom Etiquette”
- 1 Trackback on Mar 13th, 2007 at 3:56 pm
- 2 Pingback on Mar 16th, 2007 at 7:35 am
There are so many comments to make here. I’m actually kind of mad at you for posting this one so far ahead of our long-mythologized Poop Week.
I offer this: I take umbrage with the Here Comes the Fudge section - not that I’m against public shitting, far from it! Like you, I once was afraid of dropping a scud in public, but age and wisdom has taught me that if one can go, one should. Shitting is next to godliness. However, I think it’s funny as all hell to hear some guy wrestling with a particularly dense load. The louder the better.
I clearly recall this one time when some latin fellow in his fifties, I’d guess, was having a rather noiseome battle in the stall down the aisle at some movie theater. There were a bunch of dudes in there at the moment and he was swearing loudly in Spanish, punctuating it with things like “Come on, you fuck! You fucking shit, go! Go!” More than a few of us actually stayed around for a minute after our own business was done in a kind of disbelief/amusement.
Dude, I’m telling you, it was a magnificent, unifying event when, preceded by a very audible plop/splash, the guy gasped in dazzling relief. “Ahhhh! Ohhhhh!” he cried. The best part was the small crowd of us breaking out into spontaneous cheering and applause. Some dude next to me cried, “Give ‘um hell, Cochise!” I fucking lost it. It was a beautiful moment, made me proud to be a man.
An amendment to these rules:
When you’re at the urinal, only expose what you need to to get the job done. The last thing anyone needs to see is your hairy ass-crack when they’re about to drain the lizard.
I’m going to print out these rules and post them in the mens room in my office.
This sort of list has been done to death. An interesting one would be your thoughts on coed bathrooms.
Alex said, “Dude, I’m telling you, it was a magnificent, unifying event when, preceded by a very audible plop/splash, the guy gasped in dazzling relief. ‘Ahhhh! Ohhhhh!’ he cried.”
Hmm, yeah, I’m willing to make an exception for extremely entertaining noise. My main problem is with the creepy / disturbing noises of pleasure that some men tend to make, when it sounds like they’re spanking off rather than dropping the kids off. I don’t necessarily have a problem with public masturbation, but it’s the last thing I want to visualize while I’m trying to make a poop so keep it quiet.
That was hilarious. the whole thing was laugh out loud funny.
we had coed bathrooms in my preschool. definitely too early! boys literally climbing under/over the stalls to watch you pee.
years later as a bouncer at a gay bar, I was usually relegated to bathroom duty to make sure people weren’t doing it or snorting things. if these kinds of rules above are necessary for having other guys in the room, i’m sure you can imagine how well received it was when a woman walked in while dudes were at the urinals.
Coed bathrooms? Sign me up.
I haven’t been able to break the habit of pulling my pants all the way down at the urinal. I’ve been at it since I was a kid and no one has corrected me..
P.S. Button Fly jeans are the suck cuz you gotta take your whole junk out or waste time doing 5 buttons.
I’m 100% on board with the no-talking rule. It’s almost unspoken, I’ve been with friends and we head to the bathroom at the same time, chatting along the way, but when we step up to the urinals, conversation is paused until we meet back up at the sinks. Don’t talk to me when my dong is in my hand, dudes.
As far as the funny/gross shit noises that are not disturbingly like masturbation, I’m ok with it as long as it isn’t at work. I don’t need to think about the sales guy in the office down the hall nearly herniating himself while agonizing over a particularly brutal turd the next time I see him in the break room. Hold it until you get home, or go somewhere on your lunch break.
How about cell phone use while in a stall? I just came back from the office bathroom (it is massive since it is also used by the on site call center) and there was a guy yapping away on his phone with a symphony of flushes, faucets and hot air hand dryers going off.
I’m not even so concerned with the people in the bathroom, what about the person on the other end of the call?
Best bathroom toy: blackberry.
While peeing - keep one hand on your blackberry, the other on your dong.
When I’m pooping in the office and hear someone next to me, I almost always hear the sounds of clicking blackberry keys.
I agree with Chris. I always hesitate for a moment before flushing when someone is on their cellphone in the bathroom, a slight pang of guilt over what the guy on the other end is gonna think when he hears that unmistakable sound. The guilt passes rather quickly - correct usage of a commode supersedes whatever the other guy is doing.
I’m not one to be shy in the restroom - when nature calls, I pick up - but I have to say that urinating is become a wee bit uncomfortable nowadays. It seems that I encounter an increasing number of urinals that are supersmall or built so deeply in the wall that Mr. Happy is granted no protection from prying eyes. I recall one incident at the Brooklyn Beer Brewery where one guy took like a five minute stare, which is an eternity when your manmeat is exposed. Granted, he looked wasted, but still.
I’m typing this on my macbook while seated in a public restroom. Hi-yaaa!
I’d like to add an amendment to “here comes the fudge.” If you’ve just dropped a particularly foul smelling deuce do NOT feel ashamed or embarrassed in any way. Other men can smell the fear (as well as the turd) and will give you a hard time about it. Rather you should open up the stall, raise your hands triumphantly and say something like “I AM THE GOD OF HELL-FIRE”, “do NOT go in there!!” or “You’d better have a military grade gasmask” to the next poor schmoe standing in line. You will be recieved as a conquering hero by the other guys.
Thank fucking god that I am a woman. No way would I be comfortable doing my business for all to see. Kudos to you, men, for having the balls to stand up and drop trou in public.
I don’t so much agree with the “No talking whilst at the urinal” rule. The rule I’ve read and lived by is one of equality - No talking to anyone not at the same point in the process as you”. If you’re both at the stall, jimmy in hand, you are both in an equally vulnerable place…it’s common ground, and therefore ok to conversate. But once you leave that stall and the other person is still there, you shut your mouth while washing your hands, until your Camode Comrade joins you at the sink. A hearty and vulgar conversation between two fellow dumpers is always welcome in my book. It encourages not only comraderie (sp?) but sometimes even friendly competition.