Over the past week on Dethroner, I think my paucity of parenting aptitude has become clear even to readers least knowledgeable in the fatherly arts.

The evidence (in chronological order):

• I would not allow my wife to tie a string to my testicles during childbirth.
• No male breastfeeding.
• My greatest parenting fear: Taco Bell-like rats.
• Still using diapers rather than the more empathetic and ecological “elimination communication.”

Despite my proven incompetence (even in making the choice to breed, apparently), I still have high hopes for molding my kid’s young mind, starting right now, at just three weeks old. As has been widely reported, young children are able to communicate in a number of ways. Their incessant crying can even be interpreted (through the Dunstan Baby Language) by normal humans. “Eh,” for instance, means “I need to burp.” While “Eairh” means “I have gas.” Learning this complex language (there are 3 additional words, so prepare for intense study), opens the lines of communication, and allows real learning to begin.

Since Dunstan covers only a very few of a kid’s need-states, at our house we’ve already moved quickly to child sign language. I’m currently working diligently to teach the little guy that the devil sign (or “hook ‘em horns”) is the household signal for “Please change the television to the ‘panorama’ setting rather than the 4:3 setting.” Additional signals include the “Thumbs-up with Flexing Thumb” (as if one were flicking the top off a beer bottle), the universal symbol for “I would like a beverage brought to me,” and the Wild Flailing of Arms and Legs, Along with a Reddening of the Face, which at our house at least, is the symbol for “Holy shit, there’s something terribly, inexplicably wrong.”

If the signs work out OK, I’ll eventually be homeschooling junior, with a curriculum based on him simply following me around, taking notes on my commentary on day-to-day activities, along with a healthy day-part dedicated to his reading the internet over my shoulder. It’s got to be as good as the public school system.

To that end, I’ve done some serious boning up on the stuff I’ll need to raise and educate this child, from now until age 18. Hence:

The 10 Essentials for the Semi-Irresponsible Father

• The Walkolong – The finest in child leashes.

• The Oxford English Dictionary – The homeschooled child’s first and only textbook, grades K-12.

• The Billy Bob Bucktooth Binkie – Shaping the dude’s self-image in such a way to preclude having to pay for future dental work.

• The Kipii – A device which allows you to make anything into a bib, including, for instance, rags or old shirts.

• The PPTP – Highly recommended.

• Jim Beam – It’s like amoxicillin for adults.

• Noise canceling headphones - Wear at all times.

• Trixie Tracker – Software that crunches the numbers on all the kid’s activities, from feeding to changing. Allows pops the illusion of being engaged.

• Security backpack Equipping your child with a panic button that triggers flashing lights and whooping sirens: smarter and cheaper than karate lessons.

• Kid-tracking GPS-enabled phone – For when they outgrow the leash.