Kids: The Ultimate Bad Investment
35 Comments Published by Alex February 28th, 2007 in Family. Share This
Eddie McNamara, Dethroner’s pal from the local force, returns to drop another pearl of wisdom and advice. This time it’s less about John Q. Law and more about John Q. Dad, and why a sensible man should never, ever take part in repopulating his planet.
It should be noted that Eddie and his wife don’t have children or even pets. – Alex
There are two reasons and two reasons only that a man becomes a father. Either he didn’t pull out quick enough or he is so egomaniacal that he wishes to create life and mold it in his image in order to leave behind a legacy after he’s wearing a toe tag. It’s either the costliest mistake a man will ever make or a lifetime sentence of selflessness for a selfish decision.
As one life begins, two (assuming it’s a responsible father not a “baby daddy”) cease to exist. If you thought buying a new car was a bad investment try having a kid. Their first nine months are spent as a parasite inside their mother, the next twenty-one years from your bank account. You aren’t a man any longer, you’re a dad, a provider, a role model, an example and in a few years time an embarrassment to an adolescent and ultimately a burden to an adult.
The cost of raising a child is absurd. Middle class America is a society of child worship where Tucker’s and Tiffany’s every wish must be granted by you, regardless of the financial strain. Even if you aren’t middle class you’ll be busting your ass twice as hard so your kid never finds out. You’ll be more than willing to pay through the nose so your child never feels left out and has fantastic self-esteem.
Imagine for a second that all the cash you spent on: diapers, nannies, pre-school, clothes they quickly grow out of, food, video games, the 5 bedroom house, karate, ballet, baseball, summer camp, designer crap the other kids have, $150 sneakers, private school, college and all the other things you couldn’t bring yourself to say “NO” to and either invested it or spent it on yourself and the woman that would have bore your child. The USDA estimates that it costs $169,140 to raise a child up until the age of 17, but that’s just average, figure 200K for your special little snowflake. You’d have enough to retire on even if you didn’t know any better and went with plain old savings account interest.
You could spend the weekend in St. Bart’s rather than the Magic Kingdom and eat sushi in Tokyo rather than Epcot Center. Without children you can enjoy your own life, not just living vicariously through the mediocre accomplishments of your progeny. Money can’t buy you love, but who’s to say your child won’t just put you in a home after all you shelled out.
Ask any man in his 50’s with grown children if he would do it all over again, and then ask him to tell you the truth. It’s always “whatever you do, don’t have kids.”
35 Responses to “Kids: The Ultimate Bad Investment”
- 1 Pingback on Mar 1st, 2007 at 9:03 am
- 2 Pingback on Mar 1st, 2007 at 3:42 pm
It’s true to say that having a kid may cost me 200K, and may interfere with my ability to cash in on a cyber-saver trip to Kuala Lampur. Just like having a wife interferes with my ability to snort coke off a hookers back, or having a job interferes with my ability to get trashed EVERY night.
Becoming a parent is a trade off, just like all the other decisions that we make in our lives. Are there bad parts? You bet. Do the good parts outweigh the bad? I think so.
I appreciate that Dethroner brought in a coffee expert to tell me how to grind beans. Some guy who has never had kids popping off about how dumb it is to have ‘em is NOT what I expect from this blog.
I AM a father. I LIKE being a father. Being a father has definately made things in my life more difficult, but it has also made alot things more fun. Going grocery shopping with someone who has no idea what is and is not edible (but is totally willing to learn) more than makes up for the cost of diapers and the inconvienience of sticking that person in a car seat. Yes, my wife and I had to plan to get a baby-sitter in order to try out the new japanese/french place near our house. No, that doesn’t make the experience of fatherhood a waste.
Having my little girl fight falling asleep by naming the parts of my face, or watching her transparent joy when she figure out how to take the Safety Plugs out of an outlet are experiences that I wouldn’t sell for any amount of money.
I’m glad that the author has made the decision not to reproduce. That doesn’t give him the right to take an uninformed shit on those who have.
Way before I was a Dad, I knew I’d be missing out on a big part of life without kids. There are some people who shouldn’t be parents though.
This must be a joke, right? No one could be that cynical.
But when that guy retires with his millions, my seed will live on for eternity, passed down from generation to generation. I will mold my son in my own image…buwahahahahahaha!
Parenthood is brutal, no doubt about it. However, I take issue with the “whatever you do, don’t have kids” supposedly-universal-50ish-father-response. I call bullshiat.
Better question is to ask a man in his seventies, on his deathbed, if he regretted having/not-having children. That’s the more meaningful response.
There certainly are bad days I try to rationalize my decision to be a parent using all kinds of goofy logic and assumptions. I’m not self-deluded enough to toss it into a blog like it’s gospel, though.
We’re just putting all the opinions out there, guys, even if you (or we) don’t necessarily agree with them. Dethroner isn’t about espousing any particular view, except that every man should think for himself.
Yo, reading comprehension is at an all-time low. Having a kid is a terrible investment–anyone with a remedial understanding of math can agree with that. Whether it pays off in eskimo kisses and poopy diapers is another. I’ll take the cold, hard cash.
Seems to me the ultimate egomaniac is the original author of this post. Someone who is so worried about money and the ability to spend it on whatever he wishes certainly has his priorities centered around himself. Hey, and that’s great if thats your lifestyle. It’s probably best if you don’t have kids. And since you have no kids, your comments about what it means to be a father are just ignorant. I also like your rash generalization about ‘asking any man in there 50’s with children…’. Nice.
But I digress, I certainly can’t argue with your ‘research’ about the costs of raising children. I’ve seen them myself several times AND, yes, it is a staggering amount. Now, I have only been a father for just under two years, so I am still a newbie at this whole fatherhood thing. BUT, I can tell you with the utmost resolve that there is no way in hell that I would trade those 21 months for trips to St. Barts, sushi eating binges in Tokyo, or whatever else it is that I could’ve done had I not been a father.
Oh you new dad’s are soooooo darn cute, like bunnies dressed up as angels cute. You did such a special thing (special in the way that 3 billion others can also do it.) Get back to me when the novelty wears off and the crush of “why me” sets it. Want to leave a legacy after you’re gone? Write a book.
Haha, I love this post. Partially because it’s more or less how I think, and partially because some people are shocked, SHOCKED, that anyone could think this way.
The thought of being around children makes me violently ill. I chose to adopt a dog instead. Sure, I pay for his food and care. Atleast I won’t need to worry about him trashing my motorcycle when he wants to impress his friends and i won’t need to wait til he turns 18 to toss him out on his ass.
On that note, why am I forced to pay public school taxes when I neither have nor want children. You want kids? FINE! Then you pay for them!!!! I shouldn’t have to put your little shits through school. You’re desire to reproduce shouldn’t be a burden on those that don’t!
well, i am not a dad. however i am a mom and have been for the past 7 and 3/4 years. granted i look back and say wow if i didnt have a kid, i could be out hanging out with my firends till 3 occaisionally. but then reality sets in. as for expenditures, i have probably spent well above the average spending limit for a child of 7. if i could go back and do things differently, would i? NEVER. i love my child and im glad i have him. Now, as a teacher, i can respect anyone who chooses to not have children. If you want to know why, just sit inside a nyc public school for one day and you will see many reasons why other people should have made the decision to not have kids. so many are unwanted and abused it is sad. so, for those of you who decide not to have kids whether it be financial or otherwise thank you. as for me, im glad to do without, his smile is worth more than all the riches in the world to me.
Married ten years. No kids yet, plan to keep it that way. This article largely sums up why; it’s good to know that there are other people who think like we do in the world, since the overwhelming majority of people go the breeding route and then act like we’re wackjobs for not joining them.
I’m glad some people like being parents. I’m sure if I went that route, I’d convince myself I liked it, too. For now, I feel like continuing to be a non-parent is making the responsible financial and moral choice.
Sadly, my only compulsion to reproduce is based on the fact that there are so many idiots, thugs, crackheads, and religious zealots making babies that I feel I should throw my seed into the mix to try and help stop them…
Wow Eddie! Bitter much?
Your priorities are obviously based around, “what’s in it for me.” That is a question that does not always have an easy answer when dealing with any relationship – including that of a father and child.
If that is the lens you view the world through how do you justify your marriage? Did you whip up a spreadsheet before you asked her out on a date or was it just obvious that the cost of a couple of drinks was cheaper than a hooker?
I know that example is crude but it gets to the cold economics of how you are dismissing our decision to become fathers. Nobody here is denying the dollar costs you mentioned but every relationship we have costs us something.
Is this something that has escaped you or are you just taking out your economic argument out on fatherhood because it scares you? The rewards we are looking for as fathers, like in all relationships, are often esoteric and a bit of a gamble but the stakes are higher because we shouldn’t have the opportunity to give up on those relationships. Is that what you’re really afraid of… that you wouldn’t be able to cut it? If your wife were to get sick and end up in a hospital where she was becoming an economic drain would you dump her and go find someone younger with a trust fund?
I’d hope you agree that there are somethings worth doing that go beyond the simple economics of what it can do for me today.
You suggest you did some “research” by talking to a 50-year old who said, “Never have kids.” Let me guess… that was your Dad, right?
I’ve got two kids and I sometimes feel the way the author feels. It’s tough work, and if you’re not ready for it or if you’ve been pushed into it a bit early (like I was), then you can really miss your old life for sure. I used to say when I was young “I have time, but no money” then there was a brief period where “I had time and money” now with children and a wife “I have no money and no time”, that’s tough..
Fatherhood is not for everyone, and it may not be for me at all. But I think every father goes through periods of self-doubt and pines for his old life with less responsibility.
I think that this clip of Idiocracy about two family trees about sums it up.
http://www.avclub.com/content/node/57531?utm_source=avclub_rss_daily
I am confused as to why there is such a marked vehemence towards children by those who do not want them. The decision to have a child is not a referendum on your moral compass one way or the other.
At this point in the glorious acendency of our civilization, the decision to have a Child is much like the decision to purchase some ridiculously expensive luxury item. Obviously a Child is not a Sports Car or a Mansion, nor can one compare a Child to either, but the decisions to commit oneself to either the Child or the material possession are made by people with values and emotions. Those values may be different, but their disparity doesn’t make either person more stupid or selfish or ignorant than the other.
I personally plan to have several children because I know it will make me and my wife happy. I also know several friends who have no intention of doing any such thing. This doesn’t make us opponents in some kind of non-existent priorities debate, it simply illustrates the point that we strive towards different goals in our lives.
How about a little understanding on both sides of the aisle?
I realize that it has become hip or trendy to publically profess ones intense hatred of all children, and all who have them. I have to wonder what horrors these small people must have subjected you to (I’m looking at you Mike), what unnamed tortures you’ve had to endure to become physically ill in their very presence. Possibly it is what you had to endure when you were one of them??
Why should anyone without kids have to pay for public schooling? Why should I have to pay for your depends wearing forbearers to get a government check in the mail every month, or for the blind and deaf to have enough to eat at my expense for that matter. Your sense of how a modern society works is clearly impressive, and I applaud you for having the egotism to flaunt your ignorance for all to appreciate.
I am a father, and I take my job very seriously. Bringing the next generation into this world, especially with so many seeming to share the sentiments of Mike is challenging. It does make me somewhat sad that when people like Mike are lying in hospice care, at the end of lives focused completely on their own selfish wants, it will be the very same children, who they so clearly loathe today, that will be wiping their arses then.
I’m so far from bitter I’m sickeningly sweet. I love and fully enjoy my life, if you were me you would totally agree. I’m not that bad though, I sponsor a kid in the Philippines via Save the Children. Tristan (my son) has newscaster hair and likes to read. We were thoughtful in picking a child and chose wisely. A child soldier or 15 and preggers would be too depressing.
I’m curious why the Dethroner-powers-that-be picked someone who has no kids to post an article on why you shouldn’t have kids. I understand wanting to show other opinions, but this is just an uninformed one.
Would you have someone who never worked on a car write an article about how dumb an idea it is to work on your own car?
Or someone who has never played a game system tell you the only idiots would buy an Xbox 360?
Maybe if the piece was more “here’s why I don’t want to have kids” instead of “here’s why nobody should have kids” I’d understand. The opening sentence alone is complete nonesense.
And Eddie, of course the math doesn’t add up. If you’re just looking for a math equation, you should totally not have kids. They’re people, not algebra (nor soylent green). I’m sorry if your friends have had bad experiences parenting. I, for one, wouldn’t go back to bring parentless for anything in the world.
You may call that “soooooo darn cute” or mock me and my intentions, but the truth is you don’t know a thing about parenting. Sending $15/month to the Philippines is amirable, but not parenting.
And yes, we did do something special. 6 billion people may be able to have kids, but no one had my two girls but me and my wife. They are absolutely unique. Just like you.
Honestly, I agree with Eddie.
My friends know me to be a giving loving guy, but I simply do not want to devote so much time, money, and effort to a manling.
And what’s the deal with people with seed who act as though a) you’re a freak for not wanting any of your own or are b) always saying “Oh, you’ll change your mind, you’ll see!” Seriously, that’s annoying as FUCK.
Lucky for you your parents didn’t feel that way. That said, the world would be a much better place if people who didn’t want kids didn’t have kids. I could give a rat’s ass if anyone else decides to have kids or not, but I’m glad I did.
People without children will never know how deep love for another human being can be, and most will never truly be adults, as you can tell by the hipper-than-thou, sardonic hostility on display towards those who have the audacity to not hate parenthood.
Condescending ass.
So Doug, by your logic you should never be able to criticize any decision made by the president because you never held the highest office in the land, right? Doug logic dictates that the ‘powers that be’ in any form of media would only allow presidential criticism by Fmr. Pres. Clinton and Bush because they are the only one’s who can relate. Good Point Doug.
I’m sold on parenthood. I’m going to adopt an endangered Hollywood baby–Both Prince Michael Jacksons, DanieLynne Nicole Smith, Sean Preston Spears-Federline and Jaden James Spears-Federline, and Sri Cruise are ALL MINE.
I’m in the no kids camp, and yes, some of the reasons behind that decision are purely selfish, but there are plenty that aren’t. They range from not wanting to pass on the depression that runs in my family to being concerned about what rampant consumerism is doing to the planet. Sounds silly to some, sure, but no more silly than “It would make me and my wife happy” (nothing personal, Rye) sounds to me.
I used to ask people who have kids why they wanted them, and after a lot of answers that didn’t seem much like answers at all, I got that there might not be a reason. Sometimes biology reigns supreme. So while I disagree with my friends’ decisions to have them, I’ve come to respect that some people are called to spawn. And to be honest, I’m glad to see that the people I know who do have kids have thought long and hard about having them and are taking the task seriously.
Bridgitte, perhaps I’m misconstruing your statement, or perhaps I didn’t clearly explain myself, but I’m pretty certain that my point centered around the idea that everyone’s goals are different. This should make the decision to have, or not to have, a child important to you and no one else, unless possibly you have nagging family members who feel that your procreation is a matter for committee debate, but lets not get into that.
The only silly thing, in my estimation, would be to make a decision that you didn’t believe would make you happy in the long run, as I know having children will do for me, and not having children will do for you. It’s all selfishness in the end, why else would we do the things that we do if not because we wanted to.
I’m on the same page, Rye. I quoted you only to illustrate the point that what sounds perfectly reasonable to one person sounds completely absurd to another, and I really didn’t intend for that to come off as a barb directed toward you. And thanks for saying that it’s all selfishness in the end. I think that opinions on both sides of the coin stem from that, and I don’t think that either decision is more selfish/selfless than the other. Like I said, I might not agree with people’s decicion to procreate, but I don’t think that makes me any better than them as a human being. We all have to be true to ourselves, and yes, it would be silly for us not to persue what makes us happy.
Eddie, your gross misrepresentation of my post makes me think you’re not really interested in what I had to say. Or you didn’t read my post clearly. Or you’re just defensive. I don’t know.
I said “I’m curious why the Dethroner-powers-that-be picked someone who has no kids to post an article on why you shouldn’t have kids.”
By my logic (using your President example), I do think Dethroner-powers-that-be would not be serving their readers well if they asked someone who has not been President to post an article saying that nobody should want to be President.
Your statement would be correct if I had said no one should criticize a parent if they’ve never been one. Except I didn’t say that. There are lots of good reasons NOT to have kids. I think more people should NOT have kids, declining reproduction rates aside.
The crux of my issue with your post is your position. Your article didn’t say, “Hey, here’s some reasons why I’m not having kids. Maybe you feel the same way.”
Instead, you said, to summarize, “Only egomaniacs and idiots have kids” (see your opening sentence). And that everyone that does, regrets it (see your closing sentence). Both of which are so obviously senseless for no other reason than the all-or-nothing wording of them.
I think I’m representing your post pretty fairly. I would appreciate it if you would do me the same courtesy. You offer up a strawman “analogy” and then destroy, not ever dealing with what I actually said.
But really my post was more directed at Joel & Co. than you. You don’t want to have kids, fine. Please don’t. No judgment there.
Anyway, I see this post has fallen off the front page (so many freakin’ posts on Dethroner now!), so I imagine this is quite dead. Cheers.
Doug, Why don’t you just come out and say “My name is Doug and I hate freedom” and we’ll be square.
my name is diane and i love being a mommy. i guess i hate freedom. :P
I guess I understand why parents get upset about people espousing their no-kids-ever philosophies, but I think it is refreshing to hear honest comments from the dark side. The breed-now line is preached at us incessantly. You are only on vacation from defending your choice to remain childless if you are single, biologically damaged, or desperately poor. Even then, I still had people insisting, “Oh, you will never be ready. Just have a baby. You’ll love it.” From the moment you get partnered on, perfect strangers will think nothing of asking you when you are having babies, and there is no way to be both truthful (never) and polite without spending an hour explaining yourself to said stranger. If conversations like these help make it more socially acceptable to be in long term relationships without kids, or just make breeders less comfortable bothering me about my non-breeding choice, then hurrah.
man, i love this guy!