Hot Tips From The Man: How To Get Away With It
11 Comments Published by Alex February 15th, 2007 in Survival, Tonic. Share This
A good friend of mine spent a few years working as a cop in the NYC metro area. While being one of the truly decent guys to have done time on the force, he’s also a total mensch in day to day life. He recently offered up the following practical tips to the common citizen on how to interact positively with the boys in blue whenever you must deal with them.
And now, Eddie McNamara, former cop and present-day writer, tells us how it is:
• 90% of all enforcement (arrests, tickets, etc) is done by 10% of the force. Those are the tools you see on the TV shows with the Marine cut and the grandiose sense of self importance who are out to save the world. That gives you a 9/10 chance that if you have an encounter with the police it will be with someone who just wants to get through their day with the least amount of hassle. Act like a human being and you might leave with a smile instead of in cuffs.
Lots more after the jump.
• Car Stops: If it’s raining, snowing or freezing, you have a lot more leeway than on most any other day. Nobody in their right mind wants to get out of their car to write a ticket for some minor moving violation (unless it’s late into their tour on the last day of the month and they haven’t handed any tickets in.) If you get pulled over, take a deep breath and say to yourself “I am not going to act like a dick,” and abide by that for a few minutes. Refrain from sucking on your teeth, saying something like “you only pulled me over because I’m ______,” “Don’t you have anything better to do?”, “I pay your salary,” or “I know the law.” Instead talk to the cop like s/he is a human being; if you missed a sign or some bullshit like that just say “I’m really sorry about that,” or “I didn’t realize…” Keep your tone friendly and conversational. If you are likable or have big tits you’ll probably get off with a warning.
• Cops deal with the finest fuckups our society has to offer. After a while the mentality of “everyone is an asshole” begins to take form; constantly meeting people on their worst day tends to do that to you. Grown adults revert to childlike behavior regularly and want you to make all their problems go away, that blows.
• Make friends with a cop or be related to one—get a PBA card, [Patrolman's Benevolent Association - AC] unless you or the cop involved is the biggest dick that ever lived, cops will not write up other cop’s family members (if you are just a friend, you have been promoted to cousin.) If you do get a ticket for something minor like a moving violation or an open container (this doesn’t work for things like rape and murder), after you presented the PBA card, union delegates will get involved and the dick who wrote the ticket will be treated like the fat smelly kid in school by his peers. Be discreet when throwing around your cop friend’s name, don’t come off like an asshole that thinks you are getting over.
• Always have ID on you. You can be arrested for any minor infraction that would normally be resolved with a ticket if you don’t have ID.
• One small bag of weed on your person will get you a C summons and a court date where you will pay a $100 fine.
• Don’t bring stupid shit to the airport. You have a chance of getting away with drugs, but if you are caught you will be given no breaks. Weapons and the airport don’t mix, it’s amazing how stupid people are and can’t get this through their heads.
[MySpace blogs are usually bottom feeder bullshit, but Eddie's is the exception to the rule. Any man with a stout heart for hard truth and an appreciation for obscenely funny life observations is heartily encouraged to subscribe to The Art Of The Mindless, where Eddie posts with pleasing regularity. - AC]
Dear Eddie,
Well I must be extremely unlucky cuz in 90% of my dealings with cops, I’ve encountered that 10% dickhead contingent. And these were all while minding my own business. In fact, the one and only time they were pleasant to me was the one time I actually got arrested! (Of course, they were all NYPD, I’m SURE the PAs aren’t like that!)
In Wisconsin, it doesn’t matter how polite you are to the cops, if you’re going 2 miles over the limit, you’re getting a $100 ticket. My only luck there was the out of state license, which excused me from the 4 points I would have gotten.
I have lovingly kept your PBA cards though, but I haven’t yet tried my luck with them on the cops down here in Australia! Maybe my luck down here will be better. Anyway, don’t wanna get deported!
PBA cards have saved my family THOUSANDS in speeding tickets. My parents don’t understand speed limits. A few Qs: The 10% of dickish cops (and I think you’re being lenient here)–what do you do when you meet them? Are they all psychopaths? And do you think they were bullies or the bullied when they were in school? Also, women cops: Are any of them straight?
Thanks for the advice — this will all come in handy when I go on my multi-state crime spree!
“Cops deal with the finest fuckups our society has to offer.”
Ha!
It’s kind of hard to pinpoint the psychology of the dick cop but I’d venture to guess that he is still somehow trapped in high school. He may have been a jock glory hound or the guy that the jocks stuffed in lockers and now is going to show the world, but generally one of those two things; not the punk rock ‘I have bills to pay’ type. With that type if you are doing the slightest thing wrong or appear that way, they will be all over your shit and fuck you to the fullest extent of the law.
I think most women cops are straight but there is a pretty sizable percentage that are gay and out about it and it’s accepted. I know this goes against the perception that all cops are racist homophobes but it isn’t that way with the vast majority.
Eddie’s got good suggestions for minor interactions with cops. To be prepared for more serious issues, the ACLU has some good suggestions and even offers a handy printable “Bustcard” – http://www.aclu.org/racialjustice/racialprofiling/15865res20040714.html
Most of my encounters with cops have been fairly uneventful, thankfully, and the last two times I was stopped they were actually doing nothing more than offering help. However, it’ll be a cold day in hell before I ever trust a cop.
The ACLU card is a good thing for someone to have especially if they are all stressed out and not thinking straight after being arrested, which has got to blow. Shut up and ask for a lawyer is solid advice.
The key to not getting arrested is not to commit a crime. If you can’t do that try not to act like an asshole and draw attention to yourself. That type of common sense isn’t always that common.
I must say that the comment about wisconsin isn’t 100% right. Unless dealing with state patrol (if you’re pulled over by state, you are for sure getting a ticket) most dealing with the police vary from county to county. you have a 90% chance of not getting a ticket in Oconto county, but in shawano you have a 80% chance of GETTING a ticket. The only county that every really acts on a whim with tickets is Brown County, and thats because it has green bay in it.
don’t ever get pulled over with a radar detector. The cops will have no mercy for you. I’ve been the nicest guy ever to the police officer and they proceeded to make uncalled for comments like, “looks like that radar detector didn’t save you this time” or just flat out yell at me. The second I ditched the radar detector (it had become obsolete), I’m nice to the cop and they are just as nice back.
The earlier comment on Wisconsin State police is dead on. Grin and eat it up, you’re getting a ticket. This is particularly true if you’re near the border to Illinois, as I think the IL and WI troopers have some kind of pissing contest going on.
Madison PD has always been cool though. They just assume everyone is a drunk student, and usually are right.
LAPD, my current home, slightly less cool. :/
I had my WI driver’s license suspended once, largely due to me failing to stop all the way at a stop sign. Barney Fife threw the full book as well as the bibliography and the acknowledgements at me. Of course, this was in Kenosha (the WI/IL bordertown).
Well, I’ll hadn it to the Wisconsin police moving violations department; they made a careful, neutered driver of me in the end.