Subject: Sideburns

Hey guys,

I’ve always wanted a set of killer sideburns and I’ve been growing out the facial in anticipation of crafting them into the ‘burns I so long desired. What’s the best way to go about this? Have a professional handle the job (what are the expected costs?) or is there a way to create the killer burns at home?

Thanks!

Jay Wilson
–
Supernegro
www.supernegro.com
The blog that’s unapologetically super. And Negro.

You’re asking the right guys, Jay. Both Joel and I have had truly magnificent chops at various points in our careers as style mavens. Longtime readers of Dethroner have seen proof of Joel’s splendid facial hair prowess several times. I’ll provide an example of mine after the jump, as well as a few tips for sculpting wicked sideburns the likes of which Sean Connery would be proud.

The first thing to note is that you are going about beginning them the very best way—sheer laziness. There is no finer way to get a manly set of burns started than by completely abandoning your razor for a solid week or more. Thanks to the example set by our culture’s five o’clock shadow masters, this is a perfectly acceptable fashion statement, even today.

When your bristles grow long enough to the point where you can no longer sand wood with your face, you know it’ll only be a few more days before you can get started. The trick is to start small; even if you want the long pointed sort that buccaneers and new wave rock stars and William Marshall could sport, it’s best to take baby steps.

Of course you can have someone else do this for you, and they’ll do a fine job at that. Why, outside of the theater of war, there’s almost no greater intimacy one heterosexual man can engage in with another than to receive a good old fashioned barbershop shave from him. The pros know what they’re doing. Nevertheless, there’s absolutely no reason you shouldn’t be able to do this yourself.

Begin by identifying the slope of your cheekbones, as they will guide you toward perfect symmetry. Take the tip of your index fingers and press them just underneath, where the cheekbones recede into becoming the upper jaw; this should be right about where your earlobes end. Resist the urge to let your lobes be your guide! Nobody’s ears are even, not even in Hollywood, and may a formidable entry into the Hall Of Fabulous Chops have been thwarted by such a blunder.

With your fingers having found their place, now smile; you’ll feel the muscles in your cheeks strain against the pressure you’re applying. Reduce the pressure and turn your face slightly to each side. The points upon which your fingers are indicating will be your starting point. Pick a side, hold your NEW razor at that point and…hold it—now just what shape are you looking to achieve? My strong suggestion is a slight slope towards the corner of your mouth. From where you’re starting you ought to be able to point directly at the corners of your mouth by aligning the angle of the razor against the cheek to the same angle as your lower jaw line.

Once you’ve found the angle, now carefully but firmly press, and draw the blade down the cheek, but just a little. All you’re looking to do is mark your line.

Mirroring the exact point is easy, finding the same angle is slightly less so, and making sure that they are even is the real trick. For this purpose there is no better tool than a second mirror while you place the blade where it needs to be. Once you’re in position, lose the second mirror and mark your line. Double check at this point and confirm that both lines are even and as symmetrical as possible.

If you’ve pulled it off to this stage, you’re 90% of the way there. The rest is just chipping away that which is not sideburn. Now it’s just regular maintenance, patience, and vigilance. Never rush it with grooming the chops!
And by god, know when they’re getting too bushy. Once again, the cordless beard trimmer is a well-kempt man’s best buddy.

I encourage you to take chances with long ones, spikey ones, fatass muttonchops and anything in-between. There are far too many blokes out there who look cookie cutter common; find a the sharp, distinct look and make it your own.

Here’s a recent shot of some chops I was rocking, the overall look swiped without apology from Sean Connery in Zardoz: