Announcement: I Hate My Upstairs Neighbor
43 Comments Published by Alex February 15th, 2007 in Announcements. Share This
I swear to god that the guy in unit C-4, whose apartment dimensions are exactly the same as mine, is a candy ass. He doesn’t have the balls to commit suicide, so he’s out to enrage me to the point where I kill him. He stomps around like his shoes weigh eighty pounds apiece, during all hours of the day and night. Stomp stomp stomp. It’s unreal.
I’ve spoken to him about this before. I went up and politely knocked on his door, explaining the problem. Guy’s built and looks like Dustin Hoffman; I outweigh him by an easy seventy pounds and stand about a foot taller, but I also have a rather easy step (no ‘light in the loafer’ jokes, you mooks), at least by comparison. I even took him into his back bedroom and explained that it was directly under this point that he should be especially considerate after 11:00 pm, as we sleep directly below him.
Things were fine after that for a while. Rather, things were acceptable. He still walked with a very heavy heel-toe clomp, but you could tell he didn’t want to face my ire again anytime soon, polite as I was trying to be, and he did settle down for a time.
Until I started working from home, I hadn’t known that he did too. And now, every day when I sit down to write this junk, he’s up there, scrambling around like he’s late and misplaced his fucking keys, only he doesn’t find them for hours on end.
In recent weeks, he’s seemingly completely forgotten about our little chat, and well after the wee hours he’s moving furniture above us, and even dislodging plaster fragments within our walls; we can hear them tumbling down from behind our heads.
Motherfucker has a death wish. I have many blunt instruments that would do the trick nicely, and don’t think I don’t eyeball them late at night while he’s practicing the fucking flamenco.
Of course I won’t do it, certainly not after posting this on the internet, I’ve seen all the Law and Orders, I know how this shit works. I’m just bitching because I’m bitching. Because I’m a bitch.
43 Responses to “Announcement: I Hate My Upstairs Neighbor”
- 1 Pingback on Feb 16th, 2007 at 4:01 am
- 2 Pingback on Mar 29th, 2007 at 10:05 am
I just want to know why you have a cheetah-print mop handle.
oh the joys of internet vilification …post a note on the door with the DT url ..maybe then he’ll get the hint!
If you decide not to kill him, you can always write a series of increasingly insane letters and slip them under his door. Example here.
Try bolting a subwoofer or one of those home theater furniture shakers to your ceiling, then attach a surface mic to the ceiling as well and amp it up. It might take some tuning to get it below the level of constant bass feedback (very unpleasant for all), but just underneath that threshold, it’ll be so loud in his apt when he walks around that he’ll start tiptoeing barefoot.
Alex, time to buy a house.
nice purse
Offer to swap apartments?
This is the perfect Basic Instinct alibi. Write about it and the police can’t possibly accuse you of committing the murder. Who would be so stupid to announce their intentions first? Get to whackin’ – the neighbor, that is. Of course, if you’re somehow convicted, it becomes premeditated and the penalty grows that much longer.
Thanks, Andrew.
Guy has a right to walk around his apartment — this is why the top floor is best.
As for candy ass: you’re the candy ass. You’re not going to kill him, punch him out, or for that matter do anything except write little blog posts about it.
what a sweetie grodie is
Having gone through the crappy/annoying/rude neighbors thing, too, you just wonder WHAT THE HECK they do to make that much noise. I mean, our day to day lives most everyone manages to just be normal, but you get these jerkoffs who can’t seem to master the basic skills of walking around. Is it really asking too much to just be aware of your surroundings? If you’re living in a shared building with paper thin walls and ceilings, have some respect for others and pay attention to what you’re doing.
It’d be awesome if you could rig up a webcam that actually showed what this guy is doing – is he really rearranging his living room every night at 3am? Does he wear wooden clogs around for fun?
Good luck!
My woman and I have been trying to brainstorm ideas on how to make the extremely yippy 4.5lb dog downstairs disappear without our neighbors (whom we’re decent acquaintances with) from realizing that he’s gone, probably dead, and we did it…
Any ideas?
When I lived in the dorms in college, this was easily solved with incredible speakers and wattage, but those neighbors were inherently temporary, and it’s harder to know how long you’re stuck with this guy. Have you considered insulating the ceiling? Might be able to cut in across a stud, blow in insulation, and then cover the hole with a fake vent cover.
You could also put acoustic tiles on the ceiling. Not sure how effective that would really be.
Or buy the guy a rug? With a thick-ass pad.
burn the place down?
Smackiewicz how do you feel about murdering an innocent animal?
cause i have some ideas.
or you could try to steal it.
depends on whether the murder could be traced back… i long to get some sort of suppresive device for my .22 pistol. For either the dog, the mice in the basement, or the cats under the porch that decide to dash out at the most startling of times. Probably for all three…
So any ideas for a clandestine assault would be seriously considered.
I can top it. My next-door neighbor in our paper-thin-walls apartment has been:
1) Playing the entirety of Elton John’s album, “Peachtree Road”…
2) At absolute maximum volume…
3) Twenty-four-fucking-seven…
4) For the last three weeks.
I think I’m gonna kill myself.
http://www.aguilaammo.com/supercolibri.htm
buy a box and test it
and even better try it with a baby nipple over the muzzle, see how it sounds.
you could buy a sling shot, disposal would be the problem,
by no means do i condone the killing
Smackiewicz, drop a poisoned dog treat through the mail slot. If you have a dog too, make sure it’s a different brand than you use for your dog, and then throw the rest of the treats out on your way to work or something.
It’s almost too easy…
Dogs are better than people, you douchebags. At least kill the humans and let the dogs go free.
(Seriously, though. Don’t joke about killing dogs, even yippy ones. It makes me sad, you sick fucks!)
Joel is absolutely right. Drop poisoned sushi through the mail slot for the owners. It’ll totally work ;)
joel did someone try to send you a poisoned xbox live message?
There’s a CD out on the Net you can buy that has a bunch of sounds: orgy sex, screaming, baby crying, ambulance. The CD was made with the intention of punishing bad neighbors. I saw it at the MCA in Chicago and had a great laugh. So many times, with this dumbass neighbor upstairs, I had questions as to what in the fuckin’ hell this guy did all night to make such a racket? It drove me insane and then I got even: somehow his newspaper kept “disappearing”, somehow his phone rang just when he was about to get into the shower. It was so immature, but it made up for the lack of sleep I got from Clomp Foot’s lack of sensitivity and dull brain.
Hey,
I love dogs too. However, there is a very perceptible difference between a “Dog”, and what supposedly passes as a dog these days. Any animal that is small enough for my completely kick-ass bassett/german shepard Buster to eat without chewing can and will only be considered (by those whose opinions are valued/matter) as failed Bene Gesserit rat test subjects and/or mere moving treats for real “Dogs”
Short and admittedly incomplete list of “Dogs”:
Bassett Hound
Boxer
Boston Terrier
BDoberman Pinscher
Black Labs (or any other color for that matter)
ETC…
Feel free to add to said list; however, be advised that to be considered a “Dog”, it is a long standing tradition among my friends and I that the name of said “Dog”s breed must start with a B (hence the BDoberman).
Thank you, and please enjoy the rest of show. (We’ll be here all week)
Smackiewicz
P.S. Actually, you can usually catch me here any day of the week (Mon-Fri), as I regularly check the site a couple times a day.
P.P.S. BTW If you know a good russian sushi chef, i wouldn’t mind meeting him for some tips, however i wouldn’t be eating any of his dishes.
joflow: I have a cheetah-print broom handle because I’m stylish, and cooler than people who do not have cheetah-print brooms. You would actually be amazed/appalled by the sheer volume of shit in our home that is either cheetah or leopard print. I blame my wife, since most of said shit came to the marriage with her, but I must confess, the broom purchase was my idea.
Smackiewicz: I, too, hate those small yapping so-called ‘dogs’. but I don’t condone killing them. Unless, of course, you take one to Indiana and kill it while fucking it before that bill is voted into law. Beat that clock and you’ve got my support. Hell, you have it already for invoking “failed Bene Gesserit rat test subjects”. That’s almost as good as calling people retarded salmon.
grodie: I’m not a candy ass, I’m a sissyboy. Get it straight!
Back when i lived in San Francisco, a couple of guys had a similiar problem. Similar only in the way that they had annoying neighbors – theirs where hi-fucking-laurious.
I give you “Shut Up Little Man”…
http://members.aol.com/leesausage/History/index.html
A Dune reference? Nice!
Of course!
How could any self respecting geek talk about breeding of any sort without referencing the holy series.
And if Joel decides to read these comments, thanks for the spanking over at gizmodo.
BTW I haven’t bought any products that they have posted there during the entire time I’ve been reading their site (about a year). Other than the USB Aquarium from Think Geek for my dad.
Daniel – it kind of sounds like your neighbor might be dead. you might want to get that checked out.
on harrassing the neighbors back, when aron lived in seattle, he started a war with his loud downstairs neighbor by cranking up his mackies and blasting 60 cycle hum at the guy whenever he got out of control.
When I lived in the dorms in NO, I got an extremely loud, shrill, musical theater student to sing “Don’t cry for me Argentina” in the bathroom that connected my room to my very loud neighbor’s.
My dad recently screamed at his neighbor who was constantly screaming at her children and yappy dog, saying she was a terrible mother, he was sick of listening to her bitch at her kids, and she wasn’t moving far enough away for him – when she was only moving three apartments down. that was very effective, she doesn’t speak to him at all anymore.
WOW, I feel your pain! My asshole neighbors love to have sex at about 2am each night. Hard as I try to ignore it, I have gotten out of bed to bang on the ceiling to let them know I don’t need to hear when she comes. Of course, the usual bowling, exercising, moving furniture and general deafness volume of ESPN at all times also are the norm. The are incredibly rude and inconsiderate and I have absolutely no problem calling the police to report “noise disturbances” any hour of the day or night.
Lucky for me, my boyfriend and I are building a house so no one can live above me again!
Good luck to ya!
One noise I never mind, perverse imp that I am, is the sound of neighbors fucking. If that’s what was eminating from upstairs, I don’t belive I’d mind as much. But the dude is a troll and he never gets any. Maybe that’s the cause of his stomp – he’s just not relaxed.
The downstairs neighbors, on the other hand, they get it on hard once in a while, and I love it. One of them also sings opera on the occasional sunday morning, which would totally suck if he sucked, but he doesn’t – he’s actually quite decent, so it’s kinda nice.
You are my new best friend. I have the same problem with the guy who lives above me… he’s obnoxious as hell and his girlfriend lives with him. They fight all the time and I was convinced that he beat her or something because she was screaming “GET AWAY FROM ME!” at 3 in the morning, but after listening to this for several months I’m pretty sure she’s just psychotic. They both walk like elephants though. Actually, I was just composing a “personal” classified to my university’s student magazine and googled upstairs neighbors when I stumbled across this. My personal goes a little like this:
To the upstairs neighbor not-so-affectionately-known as Stompy: I hate you and your stupid girlfriend with every fiber of my being. I’m sick and tired of hearing the fighting, the make up sex, the earth-shattering stomping of your feet on my ceiling, and your girlfriend’s lame fake crying. I know where you are in your apartment at any time. I suggest you walk lighter before I shoot you through the floor. PS You’re girlfriend is psycho. Do us both a favor and ship her back to Canada.
But yes. You’re my hero for writing this.
The real question is, why don’t apartment managers put nice hard-of-hearing seniors downstairs, and the under 50 crowd upstairs? Less hip injury, and no need to shop at Academy for a new box of gun shells every six months when the lease is up. If all else fails, maybe bagging some catbox treasures and throwing them in their truck bed would ease some of your tension. Take photos of action and post it in the laundry room? A fresh can of WD 40 on their doorstep with a box of condoms and a note of best wishes? All of these rolled up in a sound proof rug, of course.
I think the mike with feedback would fix the problem with my active upstairs neighbor without involving the HOA. Very innovative, touche! This should work for the yappy dog situation, too. The little dog would harmlessly be frightened. We tape recorded some cats in heat and replayed the tape. They stopped their meowing pretty darned fast, running off as fast as humanly possible. : )
please don’t hurt dogs and cats. They are the only ones who love you all the time, don’t cheat on your lousy ass no matter how bad your cooking is, and keep all your secrets. yes, they drink out of the toilet, but so does your no-good ex.
I know how you feel man. I have upstairs neighbors who stomp around all day long. I told them I sleep during the day and work at night. At first I thought they were retaliating because I stay up really late on days that I don’t work and probably make noises that they can hear. When I realized this I decided to stay as quiet as possible. I turn the volume down on my TV to where I can barely hear it. I also like to listen to music but I put earphones in when I do. The only noises I can think of that they can hear is maybe my toilet flushing or my AC or heater kicking on. There’s nothing I can do to make either one of those things operate quieter. Well it’s been a couple months since I started being quieter late at night and the stomping continues. I got angry one day when they were “thudding” right above my bed and I pounded on the ceiling and yelled “shut the fuck up!”. Well that didn’t solve anything it just made them stomp harder. After several weeks of me banging on the ceiling I walked out to my truck one day and found that one of my tires had been slashed. I immediately blamed them for it and when I knocked on their door to ask them about it they didn’t answer. I knew they could see me through the peep hole in their door and I knew they were home because their kitchen light was on and I could hear them stomping around up there. I’ve been plotting revenge but I need solid proof that it was them that slashed my tire. Ah…the joys of living in an apartment
I totally understand what you are going through. What you have to do is put the CD player on the top of your furniture and play its maximum volum whenever he walks around like that. Or you should buy a trumpet and start learning the instrument. Also when you leave your place, play the CD.
Good luck!
I hate my next door neighbors. They put the WT in white trash. They are public school teachers – my God – they are so lazy – if trash blows into their yard – they will wait unitl the wind blows to move that piece of trash ( maybe they feel its a family member) they dont recycle and they feel that they should not have to pay back their student loans because they are teaching the future of america – during a hurricane a few years back, MaGilla Gorilla ( male spouse trash) was too fat and lazy to tie down the swing set, and it blew through another neighbors fence – do you think that they offered to fix it or pay for it to be fixed… NOPE –
After power was restored to our community they saw on the news an area that was set up to give out free water, food, and ice for people that did not have electricity they went and took everything they could! The inside of their house is grossly dirty.
They scammed FEMA into paying for their generator. It is disgusting. The mouthy so called female (wife of MaGilla) is a size 22 and wears a size 16 – those fat rolls are bursting her clothes – she thinks she looks great of course. MaGilla weighs over 400 lbs and walks around without a shirt – and they are raising 2 kids!!! They should not be multiplying.
The government gave out debit cards one year to help families that could not buy food b/c they were not getting paid to be out of work due to a hurricane – they RAN down there and not only applied for the debit card (which they got) they lied about the amount of people living in the house to get the maximum amt. If there was a way I could run up to her and kick her in the shin as hard as i could and not get into trouble – i would do it!
Oh they have a dog – its got to be 15 yrs old – they are always leaving it outside in the florida sun – for hours. Its so sad.
Magilla’s wife is a drama queen – always the victim. I know that what goes around comes around – I just hope that I can see it when it does happen. Well thanks for listening!
I know those people that you are talking about in PBC. Everyone hates them. One new neighbor recently moved in – she talks to her – but only b/c she was having one of those pyramid scam things at her house and hoped to get her to write a check.
Last month her house was egged!!!!!! did they clean it up? no they pushed it to a neighbors house with their hose – they are going to hell.
The only time they clean is when their landlords are coming into town (parents) they could not afford our middle class community so the parents cosigned the mortgage.
Public School parents – think strongly about private schools!!
Just thought I’d leave a comment as I have come back to your article quite a few times recently. I am glad I’m not the only one with this problem- very similar to yours. By the date of the article, I hope you have moved on to something better?
I am considering paying the $1,500 to break my lease (6 months to go) by any means necessary and buy a house.
Anyway, thanks again for your hilarious picture that is worth a 1000 words and Good luck!
Richard
Oh man..I am going through the same, I hate my neighbors upstairs, they have a kid and he runs around all day, sometimes even rollerblade inside the house. the also play loud music and i am sick and sick of them..i love this place but now i am looking for a new place w/ no neighbors upstairs.
richard- forget that. don’t pay $1500- go through the proper channels of complaint and they’ll let you break your lease.
i hate my upstairs neighbors with a fiery passion. that’s all i have. they stomp, i hate them, i don’t know what to do. our building management sucks at answering their phone, so i’m not sure if they’ve even received the complaints we’ve been faxing.