Blogger-to-the-stars John Brownlee reminded us of his instructional guide, which, while just a little long in the tooth, is filled with timeless wisdom:

6. Using the thumbs of both your hands, press them into your date’s mouth and pry her jaw open. Then lock your lips in a vacuum seal against your date’s. Don’t insert your tongue – if your grip fails at this point, she may snap her teeth shut. Instead, inhale deeply. She will go limp as the breath is sucked out of her, making her a passive recipient to the full power of your kiss. Push your entire tongue into her mouth, licking every single surface therein. Finish the kiss off by pushing your tongue at least an inch past her uvula – this will provide you a natural break-away point as she begins to gag.

First Kiss Instructions [Pimp Junta]

See also: Why We Pipe [Dethroner]