As my first post indicated, I’m no sports fan. However, I am an immense fan of cinema, from grade B horror schlock to Jerry Bruckheimer extravaganzas (well, so long as they feature Johnny Depp; the rest is crapola). Once in a while, even a football-centric movie has its merits, and I’ll view it willingly—or I’ll be stuck on public transportation and have no say in the matter. Either way, there is something naturally satisfying to the whole triumph or tragedy formula inherent to the typical sports movie.

On the following page, a list of football flicks I’ve seen, and just for grins I’ll sketch out some thumbnail reviews of them. Honor code: IMDB was not consulted, this is all out of my silly ol’ head.

Brian’s Song – The pappy of all sports flicks, this was made for television but doesn’t really feel like it. Transcending race, class, and personal rivalries, Billy Dee Williams and James Caan wind up becoming best buddies until one of them dies of cancer. A tearjerker to be sure, this one is so potent even my old man cried at the end.

Jerry Maguire – The blockbuster sorts film that your girlfriend dragged you to see was responsible for overhyped lines such as, “help me help you”, “you had me at ‘hello’”, and the slap-the-next-person-who-says-it, “Show me the money!” It put Renee Zellweger on the map, is the last respectable film that Tom Cruise starred in, and launched Cuba Gooding Jr’s career. Tell me that you didn’t hold your breath when Cuba’s character went into his two minute long coma, and I’ll call you a liar.

The Longest Yard – Perhaps one day I’ll be lucky enough that Joel will want to do a weeklong theme on prison. I love prison so much I almost want to go. Saw every episode of OZ and was begging for more. Anyway, this is as much a prison film as it is a football film, and Burt Reynolds was wonderful in it. There’s a redemption message in there potent enough to rival the Shawshank film, two great shots to the heavy’s balls, and an exploding light bulb. Side note: Avoid the Adam Sandler-helmed remake at all costs. Even Burt couldn’t polish that turd.

Any Given Sunday – It’s got Al Pacino, and that was good enough for me. I don’t remember much more about it other than that he makes lousy jambalaya and Jamie Foxx was kind of a dick.

North Dallas 40 – We’re digging deep for this one – gotta go all the way back to the early, early days of HBO. Nick Nolte and Mac Davis (who should have been featured in the White Man Afro post from two weeks ago) star in this film about the Dallas Cowboys of the 70’s, before the team was all a bunch of thugs.

All The Right Moves – Tom Cruise again, the dad from Poltergeist, a steel mill, some love interest, and teen angst.

Paper Lion – Hawkeye Pierce from M.A.S.H. fills the shoes of a fictionalized George Plimpton. Manages to worm his way onto a football team even though he’s an intellectual crybaby just out to get a story.

The Waterboy – Will someone please shoot Adam Sandler already?

Semi-Tough – Burt Reynolds, Jill Clayburgh, and Kris Kristofferson in a football comedy. I remember liking it a lot in spite of being told to leave the room when the boobs were onscreen, but I peeked anyway. This film was significant for me in that it introduced me to the notion that, one day, I too would have to take a gloved finger up my ass. Fortunately that day has yet to dawn.

Wildcats – Goldie Hawn coaches inner city high school football to a winning season. Improbable situation at best.

Gus – Boy from Kersplatistan has mule; mule spotted kicking a melon for a country mile by talent agent abroad; boy and mule brought to United States to play college ball. I loved this one as a kid, and extra kudos for starring Don Knotts, who is the man.

The Best of Times – I love this movie, seen it at least a dozen times. Successful weasel Robin Williams stars opposite unsuccessful golden boy Kurt Russell, both of whom are having marriage difficulties, both of whom have trouble letting go of that one last high school game involving a flubbed reception and the shame that still haunts each of them to this day. Fun feel good movie, and bonus points for “le pee”.

Heaven Can Wait - I know, it’s really not so much a football movie, but it’s got Dyan Cannon, and in the ’70s she was pretty hot.