1. If you’re planning to attend a Super Bowl party this weekend and you’ve been encouraged to bring along your spouse or lover, and he or she couldn’t care less about the game, don’t feel that you have to pressure them to attend. There are hundreds of other channels they will be perfectly happy to watch from home.

2. If you’re planning to host a Super Bowl party, and your housemates/S.O./family isn’t interested in the game, that’s at least one more seat in front of the boob tube for someone who does.

3. Do not delegate snack and kitchen duties to non-interested parties—hereafter N.I.P.s—as a punishment for their lack of enthusiasm. They may poison you, or shake up your beer.

4. If the N.I.P. does wind up in front of the game, try not to let their lack of enthusiasm spoil your fun. Talk to them occasionally about non game-related issues, like shopping or how nice their hair smells. Watch them glower twice as hard.

5. Your N.I.P. does not need to be brought up to speed on any aspect of the game: the mechanics of each play; what the ref calls mean; why it’s a mistake to punt on the fourth down when there are only ten yards to the touchdown line; or why the really big guys wear the squooshy things around their necks.

6. Talking shit about the players patting each other on the ass is not to be considered a threat to their manliness or heterosexuality. Everyone wonders and speculates about this phenomenon. It’s okay—it’s funny.

7. No matter how many commercials focus on light beer, it’s all piss. Even if you’re watching your caloric intake, and you drink it by choice, it’s piss. Bud and Miller light in particular is piss. Nevertheless, if he/she drinks light beer, make sure to have Amstel available for the N.I.P. with a sensitive palate, who will view you as a considerate person.

8. Make sure they are in the room for the halftime show, because Prince’s performance will easily be the best fifteen minutes of the whole day.

9. After the game finally ends, turn the damned set off and kick everyone out. The post game wrap up is a serious waste of time, and even more boring to the N.I.P. than the game itself. If the party must continue, turn on music instead, and engage others to help pick up empties. Talk about something other than football if at all possible.

10. A surprisingly large number of women actually dig football. If you’re at a sports bar that is filled with them, do not make the mistake of letting yourself believe that any of them are better than who you have at home, simply because they know stats about your favorite halfback and your N.I.P. doesn’t even know what a halfback is.