Since early man first chucked a rudiment stomach into a gourd, we’ve used sports to both temper our desire for—and train in preparation of—battle. As our civilizations evolved, so too did our gamy balls: stomach gave way to gravel-filled bladder; bladder gave way to polished skull; skull gave way to inflated, rubber-lined leather.

When and why we chucked those balls changed as well, as the living metaphors for battle became more and more abstracted, refined by years of play into exhortations of man’s athletic grace and Philadelphian spirit. At long last, one could not equivocate modern athletic endeavor with war.

Which is why we had to invent football.

This week on Dethroner we’ll be discussing America’s true national pastime. A large portion of the country is gearing up for a game that needs no illegitimate boosterism of “World’s whatever,” content in its sufficient superness. We’ll help plan for next Sunday’s big game, with all the practical, nearly mechanized cooking techniques you’ll need to fill the gullets of a dozen hungry armchair quarterbacks. We’ll help you figure out how to understand what the fuck you’re actually watching and how to talk like you’ve been watching the teams all year. We’ll share stories of Bowls Super past and shed a single, beefy tear as we remember the televised moments that helped define us as a culture and exactly what product it was advertising.

This week’s theme is: football (with an emphases on the Super Bowl).

If you have a tip or a story idea for Dethroner, please feel free to send a tip or drop us a line on AIM, or just add it in directly to this week’s schedule on the wiki. In addition to theme-related links, we also welcome regular submissions to Ask Dethroner and Dapper or Crapper?. Upcoming themes are available for your perusal and suggestion on our Planning Commission Wiki.