The Captain and the Criminals: Haircuts for the Balding
8 Comments Published by Joel January 16th, 2007 in Grooming, Hair. Share This
If Star Trek: The Next Generation had any lasting cultural impact, it was in reminding us that a bald man could still be a sex object. Seriously. I recall sometime around the second or third season when it became clear that Jonathan “Riker” Frakes wasn’t going to be able to contain his expanding gut; after sheepishly mentioning you were watching the show, the most common refrain was women noting how hot Picard was “even though he’s bald.” Somewhere in the ’70s and ’80s the lessons learned from Yul Brenner were lost, only to be rediscovered by a middle-aged starship captain (who was voted “Sexiest Man on Television” by TV Guide in ‘92.)
Here’s the lesson, baldies: Cut it short. Patrick Stewart doesn’t actually go completely bald, leaving a haze of white on the side—that’s a good place to start. Your only other option is to go completely clean shaven.
That’s it. Those are your options.
But when is it time to go cue ball? A helpful chart featuring criminals after the jump.
Earl Woodruff here is close to success, but suffers from an all-too-common ailment of letting that island of hair on the top grow out long enough to be seen. Frankly, even if you decide to keep the sides long—and make no mistake, Earl’s sides are too long—at least take the time to shave Isla De La Rogaine down. All it does is draw attention to the top of your head.
James Crook commits two mistakes: growing out Hair Island and pulling the strands over the back, and growing his hair out at all. I can’t tell you how many guys I see with either receding hairlines or completely bald pates who are still trying to let their freak flag fly. Stop that immediately. If you’re bald, it’s time to go short—no exceptions.
See what I’m talking about here? Jeffrey Lane Jacobs thought he was playing it safe by wearing a hat all the time, but gets double-busted when he has to take his mug shot. (He is partially forgiven for wearing a hat in the Arizona sunshine, but immediately condemned for those ratty locks and poofy hedges on the side.)
Oh, Alejandro Gonzalez Lopez, you were so close. More sadly, it appears your hairline isn’t receding at all. Perhaps you were trying to hide out in a monastery?
Robert Chamberlain, you may have slathered an entire Motel 6 room in Vaseline to lubricate your cocaine-fueled orgy, but you did it properly shorn hair. The beard could use a little clean-up, but you know what? I’m not even worried about it—you obviously had a busy evening.
Images courtesy, in case you hadn’t yet clicked, Mugshots.com.
8 Responses to “The Captain and the Criminals: Haircuts for the Balding”
- 1 Pingback on Mar 4th, 2007 at 3:27 am
I’m not sure if my baldness will come in the form of the chinch bug circle out back or the slow and steady retreat from the front, but I have made a promise to myself that when the time comes, I’m going Picard. You don’t need hair plugs, boys, but you’ve got to do something to prove that you aren’t clueless. Admittedly, the “hair halo” runs a close second.
The hair halo is priceless. But how about some more positive posts about those of us with shaven pates?
I’m feeling discriminated against by this week’s theme. :(
Picard’s baldness was part of his appeal to me. It gave him a more stern, serious aura than prettyboy Kirk’s misadventures through the cosmos. When I lose my curls, I’m going the Jean-Luc route – no plugs or rugs on my dome.
There have always been hot bald men. Hell, there are streets full of bald men here who could still have full heads of hair if they wanted it; they shave by choice! Maybe bald is the new black.
On that note, bald black men seem to have known all about real sex appeal for a long, long time. Isaac Hayes didn’t invent it, he just put it in the greater public eye. What I think the last decade or so has taught or reminded the rest of us is that character and confidence is what makes a man – or a woman – so appealing. If you need hair, god-given or man-made, to find those qualities, you’re looking in the wrong place.
I’m honestly shocked that the comb-over hasn’t died a horrible death yet. I’ve seen guys in their mid-thirties with the Lobot-esque semi-encirclement of hair with the wisps of 2-ft strands overtop. Dude, WTF? When I was 24 I shaved my head for the hell of it to see how things would look if I went bald. I had NO problems gettnig ladies or compliments.
The bottom line gents, is holding on to your fading hair shows insecurity. Saying ’screw it’ and going smooth says you know you’re all man and having hair or not doesn’t change that.
What do you all think about shaving bald, or very close to bald, while still having a full head of hair. Can you ever *not* look like a vato gangsta trying to pull this off? I’m trying to think if this would be a viable hairstyle, but every time I try to imagine it I just see my 18 year old brother, who is trying to do the “I’m white but I really want to look mexican” gangsta look.
What do you do if you’re balding on top but have a LOT of body hair – the kind that grows up the back of your neck straight into your head-hair – no interruption?