Since man first wiped the grease from a roasting Neanderthal into his hair, pulling up plumes of dust and parasite colonies to form a primitive bouffant, we’ve been discovering ways to use our stubborn vestiges of fur to entice others to fuck. Soon our hairstyles signaled more than just our flushed genitals; our hairstyles serve as visual rubrics to be decoded at a glance by others to show our mood, our social strata, or our propensity to listen to electronic music.

While we’re covered “hair” as a topic before, it’s time to circle around for a more specific look at what hairstyles are au currant and the ritual that surrounds the industry that subsists on our inability (or lack of confidence) to cut our own.

What more should you expect? Finding a good barber; salons, and how best to use them; what hairstyles are current and which should be retired (and when to decide you’re going to go with what you’ve got, hell or high water); a primer on hair care products, including generic versus name brands; a “Dapper or Crapper” equivalent, but with hair, to be revealed soon; how to cut your own, and when you shouldn’t; sideburns; dreadlocks, mohawks, and other hair-dos with cultural baggage; everything you ever wanted to know about other races’ hair; and more!

This week’s theme is: Hairstyles.

If you have a tip or a story idea for Dethroner, please feel free to send a tip or drop us a line on AIM. In addition to theme-related links, we also welcome regular submissions to Ask Dethroner and Dapper or Crapper?. Upcoming themes are available for your perusal and suggestion on our Planning Commission Wiki.