Sphincterine Ass-tringent: Minty Fresh Ass
13 Comments Published by Alex January 3rd, 2007 in Grooming. Share This
Since you’re going to be hearing a lot from me in the days to come, let me reveal something to you good Dethroner readers right away: I may live to a hundred and twelve, but potty humor will always work on me. In that regard, if no other, I shall remain a juvenile delinquent, like my old man before me. Anything poo-related is fascinating and funny.
Armed with this understanding of me, a few years ago my wife came home with something which began as a gag gift but proved to be wondrously effective in spite of the joke: a bottle of Sphincterine Ass-tringent.
From the website to the label to the badly recorded jingle, the folks behind Sphincterine present this product with low-brow brilliance; there is no way to soberly market this stuff. Because Western culture has accepted toilet paper as the method by which we cleanse ourselves after a dump, we may now market such a product without a wink and a smile—even if the fluffy cartoon bears of the current Charmin commercials hint at the inherent funny of selling toilet paper to the masses.
Unfortunately, the humor is a double-edged sword. I suspect that their marketing strategy, though appropriate, may mislead consumers at large to think as my wife did—that Sphincterine is a gag purchase only, and not a wholly worthwhile product for use. It is. I’m amazed that I’ve lived so long without using something like this on a regular basis.
Directions are simple:
- Poop. (Can be any kind of poop. Decorum prohibits me firing off a list of the variety of poop available, but I’m sure each of our readers has experienced the gamut. No matter your poop du jour, you will need to observe the following step.)
- Wipe up, Johnny!
Ah…can that be it? No, by god! Because unlike trace-leaving dry paper alone, you’re also armed with the minty fresh, asshole-tingling Sphincterine! A few drops on your paper wad will do. The moisture alone helps clean the actual waste from your region, but wait, there’s more to it. There’s aloe, dead sea salt, witch hazel, and for that nifty smell and the lingering ‘tingle’, spearmint oil. Why, you’ll leave the throne fresher than when you sat down in the first place. Nothing like walking back to the office with an air of confidence…and confidence is key.
Wow, now there is a whole list of words I just never even considered seeing around here.
That being said… I agree. My little lady has gotten me started on a similar kick. She has a long history of liking and using baby wipes. It started after the birth of one or both of her girls, but I’ll save you the details.
Basically she saw how good they worked for the kids and thought “You know, that would work for me too.”
I tend to use a “two pronged” method myself.
First with the dry everyday stuff, then a final “rinse” with the wipies.
Since some of us guys can be a bit more “inclined to hairyness” it ain’t a bad idea.
just sayin…
Baby wipes are the way to go. Even though Sphincterine seems interesting, there is just no way I can leave a bottle of that stuff in my bathroom and not hear it from every single guest I have…
Now on to more potty humor. I bought some Nope! It’s Soap! (www.nopeitssoap.com) as gag Christmas gift but for some reason I was the only one that couldn’t stop laughing…
I’ve been using Cottonelle wipes. They come in especially handy during trips when you’re not sure what the t.p. will be like (1 ply, ugg). Saw this and got psyched. I’ve already contacted the company about carrying the product at the store. Thanks Dethroner!
damp toilet paper costs a whole lot less, and gets the same job done.
Hi All, I am the creator of Sphincterine. Thanks all for your kind words and open minds- sphincterine is a fantastic product that goes beyond damp toilet paper, which by the way will not leave your ass tingling and minty fresh. Its about feeling good, confident and naturally clean. Its like altoids for your ass!
If leaving the bottle around bothers you…then try some of the individual towelettes.
Keep It Mint
Bruce,
Directum of Sales
I think it was Adam Corolla, a very hairy guy, who said his ass wiping was like “getting peanut butter out of shag carpetting”. Niiiiice….
He opted for a commode. I personally go for the Cottonelle wipes (as opposed to baby wipes) as the Cottonelle wipes are flushable — they’ll degrade faster so won’t risk clogging up drainage and sewage like baby wipes will. I like the idea of a commode but I haven’t (as an ignorant north american) the foggiest idea how to use one properly.
I find wet toilet paper disintegrates immediately and is absolutely useless. I’m not the hairiest guy in the world, but if wet toilet paper works for you then you’re either eleven years old or you must be shaving your chocolate starfish.
So, for the Sphincterine, doesn’t the wet TP just vanish? Are the wipes the only option?
This really reminds me of an episode of the Phil Hendrie show — be ashamed if you do not know him — where his “producer” kept interrupting him to remind him to drop a plug for their new sponsor that allowed them to bring the show without “commerical interruption.” The plugs kept getting more and more intrusive and ridiculous and finished with him being required to play this jingle after every statement of fact that he made:
http://www.mikeverta.com/Posts/Mint_Green_Jingle.mp3
Sphincterine should find a way to license that jingle that Phil created.
I just hope this stuff doesn’t cause ass-cancer.
I’m a fan of cottonelle wipes as well. I went to the drug store a couple of weeks ago to stock up, and they only had the children’s wipes. I thought. “what could the difference possibly be aside from the puppy on the box?” I’ll tell you what the difference is. Bubble gum scent.
I’d almost be willing to trade that minty fresh feeling for bubble gum ass – but would it tingle? I suspect not.
It might not tingle, but you would blow bubbles when you fart.
What makes you think I don’t already, mister?
this “altoids for your ass” is your serious people who wish to eat out each other’s a-holes, while maintaining breath fresh enough to kiss one another after the act.
If you want to simply wipe your ass with the confidence that you won’t have dingle-berries, then use a baby wipe.
If you want your partner to lick/eat your rear out like it’s baskin robbin’s…then by a box of these!