Sex Advice from a Dungeons and Dragons Player
28 Comments Published by Joel November 22nd, 2006 in Ask Dethroner, Games, Sex, Women. Share This
Someone from Nerve.com asked me if I played D&D and if I’d be willing to participate in their “Sex Advice from a…” column. (The theme, this time, being “…from a D&D Player.”) I just got an email from her editor saying “we need some responses that aren’t so related to the game Dungeons & Dragons.” They ask for comedy gold, yet I had already given them comedy platinum! (And they would obviously rather laugh at someone than laugh with them.) So fuck ‘em. Happy Thanksgiving!
• My lover and I enjoy role-play, but I’ve gotten tired of the same cliché scenarios like student/teacher and boss/secretary. Any recommendations for new roles that might help spice it up?
I don’t know what system you’re playing, but “student/teacher” and “boss/secretary” do not sound like choices that would inspire one to role-playing greatness. Consider a classic like “cleric of the watcher from the depths/virgin” or “half-orc paladin/gelatinous cube.” And remember, silken rope may be more expensive, but it’s nearly half the weight in encumbrance.
• I’ve been dating someone really great for a few months, but he’s never referred to me as his girlfriend. How do I take it to another Level?
While the obvious answer is “Accomplish a story task in the boyfriend track for XP equal or greater to your next level threshold,” I get the feeling you might be hinting that you want to descend into the fetid labyrinth that festers beneath his ancient wizard’s tower. In that case the stairs are in quadrant M23, behind the Throne of the Kobold Hetman.
• I’m into S&M and so is my lover, but we can’t afford to visit a dungeon. How can we create a dungeon ambiance at home without going broke?
It’s been years since I’ve seen anyone playing that proto-system “Swords & Magic!” Kudos to your fine taste; And huzzah. Do not discount the scene-setting potential of ambient background noise. May I recommend “Swords & Magic Scintillating Soundscapes: Volume IV: Bigby’s Blue Basement”? (Available on reel-to-reel and microcassette.)
• What’s more important: 18 Dexterity, or 18 Endurance (or 18 Charisma)?
Note: “Endurance” is, in D&D parlance, “Constitution.” I mean duh!
Depending on your chosen character class, any could important. A high charisma makes it dead simple to lure lusty tavern wenches up to your three-copper mat of straw. (Hint: Use clean straw for that special someone!) A high Constitution allows one to produce up to 1d3+1 draughts of seminal fluid per round, ensuring a high success percentage on any procreation rolls. I have heard — and ye be tellin’ no man n’er beast from whence this knowledge sprang — that a high Dex gives one the ability to give pleasure to others. I suspect it’s an urban arcanum legend.
• I think nerdy women are hot. Where and how do I meet them?
Where? 1. DragonCon 2. WyrmCon 3. WyvernCon 4. TiamatCon 5. The Texas Instruments Graphing Calculator Showroom.
How? I recommend telephoto lens, at least 300mm.
• My girlfriend is older and more experienced than me. What can I do to impress her in bed?
Ah ha! Clearly you are looking for Feats, introduced in the Third Edition ruleset, which offer a variety of abilities that can be used to impress or distract your opponent. Consider: “Acrobatic,” “Alertness,” “Animal Affinity,” “Armor Proficiency (Medium),” and “Athletic.” (And that’s just from the As!)
See also: “Blind-Fight,” “Cleave,” “Craft Rod,” “Deflect Arrows,” “Enlarge Spell,” “Extend Spell,” “Greater Two-Weapon Fighting,” “Iron Will,” “Mounted Combat,” “Rapid Reload,” or “Shot on the Run.” (Actually, pretty much all the Feats are gold.)
• What skills do D&D players have that can be applied to sex?
I can open a two-liter of Mountain Dew with the armored ridge of my taint. ’nuff said.
• Is it possible to have sex with someone if you don’t respect their character?
No. If you can’t pretend to respect the person they pretend to be, how can they expect you to pretend to respect the person they are? Ask them to re-roll.
• I am a 27-year old virgin. It’s not that I’m unattractive or totally uncool, I just never found anyone I really wanted. But now I’m ready. Where should I go to lose my virginity in a really memorable way?
Chuck, you asshole. It’s one thing to miss the game but you were on Burrito Supreme duty. Get thee over to my place tomorrow and we’ll do a solo adventure that should satisfy your curiosity. Bring your latex dice bag.
• I have a medieval costume fetish. How do I interest a partner in this?
Easy as regenerating a limb with troll’s blood! Are you a woman? Simply dress up in a bikini, link together a few pop can tabs into something resembling chain mail, and drape your “armor” over your crotch or breasts.
Are you a man? Oh, fucking forget about it. You can call it your “Wand of Wonder” all you like but she’s still going to laugh at your cape.
• My last lover cheated on me. How can I learn to trust again?
Experience is a harsh mistress. Or wait, no, Xytherias of Calmodorn is a harsh mistress. XP is just a bitch.
28 Responses to “Sex Advice from a Dungeons and Dragons Player”
- 1 Pingback on Feb 25th, 2007 at 11:17 pm
- 2 Pingback on Mar 3rd, 2007 at 3:47 pm
That’s hilarious. Wait, you aren’t really a D&D player, are you? Shit. Never mind.
Fucking hilarious!!!
Ahahaha that’s great, nice work!
Good one!!! I wait to see the other columns in the series
Forwarding to wife (and DM)…
Theme suggestion: Role-playing games! Or at least a week on D&D. Geek sports? Nah…
Before reading this post I merely liked Dethroner. I now officially LOVE it. 4-Ever + Ever
Ummm, kagrocery…how many non-D&D players would know that thing about the silk rope? Seriously, now.
wow, this article is awesome! But, as a non-D&D player, some of the things listed are a little confusing.
amazing : ) my favorite is
Is it possible to have sex with someone if you don’t respect their character?
I have to agree with Steve, that line following, “Is it possible to have sex with someone if you don’t respect their character?” is brilliant in both it’s truth and humor.
Pure comedy meteorite. Half-orc + gelatinous cube = hotttttt.
You failed to address the critical issues of how a lonely Orc can romance an Elf Princess. Or how many HP a female warrior needs to survive seducing a dragon.
Well, I haven’t played for decades, so maybe those are all addressed in the latest Pervert’s Manual.
Spectacular article. Your choice of words makes this that much closer to artistic genius. Keep up the excellent work.
What was really terrible is that my group LOST our half-orc fighter to a mimic—after a gelatinous cube. Trust me, the cube swallowed him and nearly killed him. I burst out laughing and sent links of this to all my party members.
I gotta take a second look at the feats list… to see if I meet the prerequisites…
Very very nice; the wit, she is solid.
My half-orc recently squared off against a gelatinous cube. *Rolls eyes.*
I especially liked the Frank Frazetta touch.
This sounds very funny. I can think of a forgotten question….
-I would like to approach my girlfriend and get sexual, but how do I bring it up? I’m worried she may be old fashioned. Is there a subtle way to find out?
To find out if she is old fashioned, ask what the THACO of her character is. If she gives a number, and gets excited about it, then she’s old-fashioned.
pure genius… I sent the link to a few so they could enjoy as well.
hi thes good wep sat
am soudi my langwg inglesh not good
by
Love it. Just the right amount of D&D geekery v. sexual innuendos.
BWAHAHAHA
~~Halfling Rogue
Class. Paladin.
No, seriously, that was brilliant. I shall be forwarding this on to my other “players”. Those without internet access will have to wait till next Sunday. lol
I think you rolled a nat 20. Fantastic as always.
As an ex-DM (for 8 years) and long-term AD&D player (until I started writing books), I have to say, you nailed it. Though you forgot the “what should I do if I’m a LG paladin who falls in love with a CE half-drow assassin” type problem. *grins* I mean, inter-alignment trysts can be hard to pull off.
beautiful!
i have to agree– the response to the “don’t respect their character” question was pure platinum.
and at the lowest points in your article, you didn’t dip below electrum…
oddly enough, i ran into this article while i was looking up some reference for an upcoming D&D book i’m working on. you kinda blew my productivity for a little while, but it was well worth it.
gonna send the link to my gaming buddies now…
thanks!
Lol
Best piece ive read in looong time.
Big time congrats!!