Losing Weight and Getting Cut the Henry Way
9 Comments Published by Joel October 18th, 2006 in Fitness. Share ThisMy buddy Henry wrote:
Are you pudgy and doughy? Lose the poundage, Chubsy. I want you in the gym. I want you to write short stories about all the times you’ve been rejected and left hanging by some Molly McWallflower in your past, and I want you angry about it. Get in there and stomp on their faces with every step on the treadmill (I recommend the elliptical machine though). I want you in there twice a day, 3 days on, 1 day off. A want a morning or lunchtime 20-30 minutes run on the elliptical, then an afternoon (straight from work) with some low-weight, high rep lifting and another 20 minutes on the fucking ellip machine, Son. 3-4 months, if you stop drinking beer (for the meanwhile, you’ll need your tolerance back by college time) and stop eating complete shit and drinking soda, and you’ll drop 30 pounds, easy (you’ll get 10 or so back in muscle mass, so don’t freak on the weight differential). You’ll lose even more if you’re a fat fuck.
As the saying goes: breakfast like a king, lunch like a knight, dinner like a pauper. No foodsies after 6 or 7 PM. Eat immediately after your PM workout, while your tummy is still all jumbly from the gym. Whack down protein shakes for snacks (fuck mixing them with milk, use Gatorade inthe perfectly-sized 20-oz bottles) and/or right before meals, to fill your stomach. Tape Fear Factor and watch it whenever you get hungry. Oh, you’ll get hungry alright, a fucking nasty deep gnaw that you have to fight off, because that is exactly when you’re gonna start dropping pounds like Junior Mints at the late show. Order some pills with Ephedra in them from Taiwan. Fuck those warnings, no substance on Earth is as effective at burning fat and – most importantly – readjusting your body weight equilibrium so that you aren’t as likely to gain it back. Allow for time to build a proper tolerance, so you don’t drop dead of an asploded heart like all them dumb fatties that got that wonderful shit banned. With that and all health supplements, don’t even go near the fucking dosages/portions listed on the bottle. Those were written up for 240-lb lunkhead powerlifters who have to ask their 8-year-old nieces to read it to them. I’d go halvsies tops, on anything.
You won’t hardly be able to tell, because we’re all body dysmorphic basketcases, but a toned physique with most of the sloppy fat trimmed will make an enormous difference. It’s that subtle change where your waistline tapers in from your back and shoulders. It’s enough for a start. Don’t puss out on the shoulder and back exercises, either. Working out those areas contributes more to your overall physique than fucking wheezing out on a curl bar or even bench press. Don’t tell anyone you’re hitting the gym, unless you want a partner (not a bad idea, usually keeps you honest, try to go with someone you don’t know know too well and you’ll feel obligated to show up for his/her sake, and vice-versa). When the people around you start to notice you’re getting in shape, then you truly are. Once you’re dialed in, move to New Mexico and enroll in Pussy 101. I suggest English and Psychology courses. Not Art, despite the enticing male:female ratio. Those chicks are bananas, and the guys are queer.
“A want a morning or lunchtime 20-30 minutes run on the elliptical, then an afternoon (straight from work) with some low-weight, high rep lifting and another 20 minutes on the fucking ellip machine, Son”
maybe i’m missing something… but should the goal be high weight – low rep to build lean muscle and get your metabolism going?
keep in mind… i really don’t know what the hell i’m talking about, but this was the simple understanding that i had
Low weight, high rep, high intensity builds fast-twitch muscle (long muscle) trending toward more of that greyhound physique. Powerlifting is reserved for gubernatorial candidates, offensive linemen, and pro wrestlers.
Great post — and man, you can just feel his disdain. Heh.
( Shudders at thought of drinking Gatorade mixed with protein drink mix. )
I’m curious, though, about the ephedra stuff… wonder if anyone here has any dissenting/concurring views?
As for the queers in art class… well, we’re at the gym, too.
: )
HAHHAHAHA Gubenotorial Candidates!
Wow!
I could write a comment pointing out all the wrong, unhealthy and self-destructive things here, but geeze, there are only so many hours in a day….
I hope this was a joke.
you have very little chance of keeping the weight off if you lose 10 lbs a month.
and ephedra? come on. eat less. work out more. the ellipitical is a good idea, but you should build cardio endurance and then move into interval training, otherwise the benefits will taper off.
and you should also focus on legs, back and abs to build muscle mass first. build the core, then move on to the high rep stuff.
i think everybody needs to realize that losing weight and getting in shape is a lifestyle change that takes time – popping pills and destroying your body in the short run doesn’t help – you’ll just rebound.
What Shimpiphany said X 2.
Also, you can’t just do one cardio machine everyday, you have to mix it up. For one thing you would get very bored. Also, overtime your body will figure out ways to “cheat” and adjust to the same machine everyday and you wont get as much of a benefit.
I lost lots of weight quick with ephedra and was so sad to see it go. How does one go about getting it from Taiwan? I don’t have to go there do I?
Several issues:
Ephedra? You’ve got to be kidding me. They didn’t ban it for shits and giggles. Also, its “exploded” not “asploded”. Also, what do you mean “readjust your equilibrium”? There is not a single study that has shown ANYTHING can readjust your set-point weight. Get your facts straight, and don’t post garbage like this – a lot of people can be hurt through your ignorance.
- Joaquim Larson, MD, FACS