Dead Simple Recipes to Impress a Date
12 Comments Published by Joel October 4th, 2006 in Food. Share This
My buddy Alex is one of the slickest motherfuckers I know. I asked him how he uses food to lure women into the sack and discovered he has an entire dish dedicated to determining whether or not they’re even worth the trouble.
Dethroner: Do you have any simple recipes you’d use to impress a woman?
Alex: Oh my.
Alex: It depends on whether or not she’s vegetarian.
Alex: I should have made a policy a long time ago to only date meat eaters…
Dethroner: Yeah, I was going to say, what good woman doesn’t eat meat?
Dethroner: But then again, that might be a good one to have in the stable.
Dethroner: (The recipe, not the woman.)
Alex: Well, the way I look at it is, I’m the one who should be impressed, right?
Alex: If she’s not into me, that’s obvious from jump.
Alex: If she is, that’s when it’s time to discern if this woman not only can keep up, but will be fun along the way.
Alex: So you make a table full of make-it-yourself taco fillings.
Alex: It’s a lot of prep time, but the best things in life are like that.
Dethroner: You’re forgetting that most of us aren’t big, beautiful gypsy princes and have to lure women into our homes littered with underwear and belly button lint piles.
Alex: Ah, but we should all view ourselves that way! Confidence, like WIlly Wonka says, is key!
Alex: Besides, the belly-lint underwear farmers like tacos.
Alex: So you make an assload of taco fillings: chopped lettuce, chopped tomatoes, diced chilies, jalapeños, refried black beans, seasoned taco meat, shredded chicken verde, chipotle pork, pico de gaillo, etc, and then all you have to do is warm the tortillas.
Alex: If she makes one puny taco with no meat, see if you can get her panties off that night. Whether you can or cant, she’s not invited back for seconds.
Alex: ’cause chicks on diets are no fun at all.
Alex: And they’re lousy kissers.
Alex: Conversely, if she really loads up on some healthy overstuffed tacos, and I mean tacos, [plural], that’s a girl worth considering.
Alex: But don’t try to get her panties off that night. If she’s anything like you, those beans and the onions will leave her bloated and gassy.
Alex: She could really push the threshold and fart on the first date, and that’s either a deal breaker or a deal maker, depending on where your head’s at.
Dethroner: SO TO SPEAK OH HO HO
Alex: Best not to play those odds.
Fuckin a. What are you going to do besides bang a chick who doesn’t like to eat? I mean hell, everyone has to do SOMETHING besides bang at some point.
That said, I like the taco idea. There’s grace and acumen to apply in presentation and picking of ingredients which can impress the lady. At the same time, it’s just tacos, so it’s not like you’re trying to wow her with some big fancy todo and come off like some douchebag on a firstdate type scenario. You can probably deduce things of her character based on how she prepares said tacos. Whether she makes a giant mess of things or keeps things neat and tidy on her plate or just shreds the entire thing and makes a ghetto taco salad of the whole shot. And if she is a vegetarian, warm up some ground meatless stuff and it’s all good.
bitch never made me tacos.
For Veg-o’s:
get a grill pan or George Foreman. Grill anything. Portobellos – just with olive oil, salt and pepper.
Then put some asparagus under the broiler with olive oil, salt, pepper.
(you already know to use koser or sea salt)
side of brie, good crackers, good wine
For non-veg-o’s:
Grill marinated skirt steak (They have an excellent raw marinated ‘carne asada’ at Trader Joe’s)- slice thin. You could make fajitas, but why bother. Repeat the rest of above.
Add a salad then some Ben & Jerry’s.
Dead Simple.
Try a really good vegetarian stirfry! Pair a nice wine and a salad and your golden. No baby fur seals clubbed. Not enough calories to juice your favorite linebacker. Plenty of flavors to play off against each other. And you’ll have enough time to work on the presentation because it’s a 15 minute cook after you take the time to do perfect rice in absentia.
I passed the taco test, apparently! Didn’t know I was being tested until now, but it’s good to know my dining gusto was appreciated. And Alex cooks up some mean Morningstar Farms veggie crumble, I tell you what.
So what happens when the woman-to-be-wooed eats straight from the serving dishes with a spoon, uses the tortillas as edible napkins (including the one tucked into her shirt under her dribbling chin) and then asks where my portion is? Do I screw her?
Alas, what 4 years does between males and their approach to women.
the taco approach has a major flaw: if the girl is truly “into you”…she might be embarrased about eating a taco – it’s messy and all, and the desire to leave a good first imression might overwhelm the savory-looking spread.
It might cost a few more dollars, but here’s the approach to tell if a woman is worth further review:
Take her to (a) your place or (b) a restaurant where you can guarantee that (a) the food is very strange an not very appetizing but (b) they have an incredible wine list (by the glass please). Decide after looking at the menu (or at *your* failure to create a good dish if at home) that you will have a glass of wine (or two) and then move on to somewhere else for the main dish.
this accomplishes two things: first, it puts you in a vulnerable spot, and she is more likely to open up and relax (oh…doin’t over-apologize for goofing up). Two, you then have an opporunity to see if she is worthy of the next step based on her selectio nof wine. does she go fo a fruity blush wine, or something more classic like a good Zin, Pinot Noir, or Chablis? Blush = flush. There’s a 90% chance she’s not daring and adventuresome and likely has little character. Take her out to a pizza joint and then determine from there if she’s worthy of anything other than friendship.
However, if she can enjoy a good, rich red wine…oh my, the night has just begun. White wine is OK too, but not the fruity ones. Chablis or nothing as far as I’m concerned. Your next stop if any of these is a Sushi bar. There is no better evaluator of personality than Sushi.
Maybe she has never had it before, but if she is willing to go and dabble in some of the treats, you know she’s up for new challenges and wants to explore boundaries. Now here is a catch – if she never “did” sushi before, then her choice of a California Roll is OK. However, if she readily accepts Sushi, because she’s done it before, yet all she will eat is California Rolls and Tempura, then she is NOT wirth going back to the crib with. Night over.
But maybe she is “beyond CR (California Roll)” – cool. So here’s the guage:
- Yellow Tail, Tuna, Salmon sushi: Nice, and does she savor every bite? She is definitely worth a few more dates
- Octopus, Squid, Eel: you need to be closing the sale quick – uptempo the conversation to “So have you ever tried Rock Climbing, Windsurfing, or Rollerblading?”
- Sea Urchin, Fish Eggs, or negi-toro (tuna belly) – dude, you have a keeper, even if you don’t like the stuff yourself. She is way out there on the danger scale and you need to be working toward setting up the next date.
Oh, and also find out what she hasn’t tried before, and talk her into trying it. Regardless of her current “level” – if she is willing to go out on a limb and try something new, even if it might make her vomit – you know right away that you have to sign, seal, and deliver this one!
By the way, if decent amounts of Sake are consumed along the way, everything advances one level on the list.
…and if the place serves ive (dancing) shrimp and/or “Fugu” (blowfish) – if she goes for either of these, watch out – you’ve become the subject of HER evaluation and not the other way around! Sort of like how the fisherman becomes the meal for the shark ;)
..hey it worked for me anyway, with my wife as proof!
PS – the other major benefit to the Sushi experiment over the taco….NO GAS!
sushi works if you are testing someone, but sets a dangerous precedent for expensive meals. it also potentially intimidates someone who may know something about sushi but may set you up as a sushi know-it-all. if you do this, omakase is best (chef’s choice), or going to an izakaya (japanese small-plates pub) restaurant. lot less intimidating – and less expensive.
i say make dinner. its easy, it shows some class, skill and willingness to take a risk. besides, cooking is such a damn easy thing to do.
taco night is too college. besides, you never eat half the crap you put on the table.
roast a chicken. or here’s a dish guaranteed to impress and easy to make – and pescetarian friendly, because, lets face it, very few of these women are actual vegetarians. they are just the diet conscious kind that doesn’t eat red meat or often poultry. and it is all in one pan – no sides required. the only drawback is you can’t make it ahead of time.
braised tuna steaks
can of chickpeas
1 shallot (or half of sweet onion)
2 cloves garlic, minced.
coupla stalk celery
two tuna steaks (not filets) about 1 1/2 thick
water or stock
use a saucepan with a tight lid.
sautee the shallots (or sweet onions) and celery in about a tbsp of olive oil. drain the chickpeas.
when the onions are translucent, add the garlic. stir and cook for 2 minutes or so. DONT burn or brown the garlic. add the chickpeas and let cook for a few minutes more.
add the stock or water. the liquid should be below the level of the chickpeas.
bring to a boil and immediately reduce to a slow simmer.
put the tuna steak(s) on top of the chickpeas and cover.
DO NOT LIFT THE LID FOR 7-8 minutes. at 7-8 minutes, turn the steak. cook for another 5-7 minutes. the steak will still be red in the middle and grey on the outside.
use a slotted spoon to lift a bunch of the chickpea mixture (but not remaining liquid) out of the pan, TURN over so the chickpeas are on top.
there you go. guaranteed to impress. fennel is also a good substitute for the celery.
(i ripped this off from a dish i ate at lupa in NYC a few years ago)
oh, and wine: a nice white burgundy works with this. just get a french chablis or chardonnay at trader joes. FRENCH chardonnay. that means no oaky buttery flavor to ruin it like cheap californian chardonnays.
and bro, there are some nice rose wines out there – don’t knock all of ‘em. i had a stellar malbec rose the other night. just stay away from the cheap ones.
get used to the fact that you need to spend at least 15 bucks on a bottle of wine unless you absolutely know that something cheaper is good – like the chateau st. michele riesling or reggiano lambrusco at TJs (5.99 and 4.99, respectively), or las rocas granaca from spain (7.99) or chateau pellanhaut white from france (9.99) – all great wines. for a splurge, try the roessler bluejay pinot (widely available – i bought or saw it in two wine stores in NY a year ago and its all over CA) for 25 bucks.
now that i think about it, that lambrusco would probably do well with the tuna.
Of course, the real test of a woman is how thick she likes her gravy and how many biscuits she’ll need to sop it all up with. But of course this is a morning-after test, which is the only appropriate time to conduct such a thing. It also helps if you really like her, and you want to see if she’ll stand up to a good stretch of time.
[And by the way, fellas, if she stays over and you don't offer her *something* to nosh on, she's not the pig, you are.]
The correct answer is “thick and moist”, as in, you should be able to move it around with a fork and expect it to stay reasonably in place with just a bit of spreading; and two. One biscuit and she’s just being polite, which is still a nice gesture; three biscuits and either she really needs the fuel after last night, you make biscuits better than your grandmother (not possible), or she’s a glutton. Of course, that kind of chick will watch football with you, if that’s your bag. Spend some time in Wisconsin, you’ll see what I mean…
So. Learn to make totally ridiculously good biscuits from scratch. I do it with cheddar and garlic and a rude amount of butter. And learn to make heart-cloggingly rich grazy from bacon or sausage drippings. Add the flour fast, but don’t burn it! just let it absorb the fat…then add the milk (it’s the only time I use whole milk anymore), nice and slow, keep that lump of grease flour moving! It’ll absorb and absorb…and if it stops but you need more gravy, just sift in more flour….this is witchcraft at it’s most raw. Gravy is an art and a science, but the more love you put into it, the more she’ll put into her. And the more she puts into her…well, you see where this is going.
Fancy food, schmancy food. I like it too, but I have to assert that simple soul food is the light and the way with a woman, at least out of the gate. It says a lot about a man who has mastered the staples. When she’s proven herself your equal, not your superior or your lesser, that’s when you can push the envelop and make the master stroke of fish (beef, chicken, pork, all good, but the guys above are right – fish takes finesse), but I assert, that’s only when all the games are over and it’s time to lay your true intentions on the table.
That, or buying her some shoes, and have a bit of taste, lads; food may be the quickest way to a woman’s hear, but SHOES are *the* way to a woman’s soul. (yuk, yuk, yuk!)
I always liked to make something that didn’t take a lot of watching. There are tons of creative things that you can server over rice (I’m Asian)that aren’t difficult and don’t need a lot of minding. This, of course, leaves more time for you to get to know your date better which I hope is the point.
My friend told me about your blog…. it’s bookmarked now